My Cultural Life - No Middle Ground

What's Up?

How long before the press get the knives out for Andy Burnham? You could argue that it's already started, what with the BBC ignoring his massive Makersfield majority to concentrate on racist and ignorant Reform voters. Could they not find any of the almost 25,000 people who voted for the ex-mayor of Manchester? Or did they simply choose to make you - the viewer - think that this was a bad victory?

The thing that makes left of centre Burnham different from, say, Jeremy Corbyn is Burnham belongs to Labour Friends of Israel - a little club of people who defend the despot country and will continue to 'work' with it even if the rest of the world has started to finally see what a largely psychopathic nation it is. So he might get a free pass for a while, until he starts doing things that affect shareholders dividends and corporate profits.

I also love the fact that you have Tories, Reform and other right wing parties demanding there be a General Election, when, if memory serves, the Tories in particular dismissed this idea when they appointed their weekly PMs a few years back. I say give Burnham the three years Labour has left to see if he can transform stuff and stand a chance of winning again.

Do I think he will improve things? Probably not, because our media would find a way to make even positive change look like it's terrible. I'll give you a hypothetical - he finds £17billion down the back of the Downing Street sofa and promises to have every pot hole in the country fixed and the work starts the following day; you can bet the Mail or the Express will complain that this money isn't being used for the people who need it most, without ever telling us who they think needs it most (unless it's defence, because we need more bombs to sell). You know it will happen because it happens all the time.

Incidentally, I still wouldn't vote Labour again - at the moment - but I think I'd feel happier about having a Northern PM who talks a good talk...

The Weather, Man

I mention further down in this week's blog about how the FDoD is not as blessed with films for us to watch as it has been in recent times. Looking for something new to look at, rather than try and decide which of the myriad of movies we seem to routinely avoid, I got hold of an old film and a brand new one. We opted for the older one - The Other Guys - and 15 minutes into it we both decided it was a load of shite, so we went for the new release instead. This was a film about a weather man, the one responsible for the D-Day forecast. It was superb.

Andrew Scott plays meteorologist James Stagg, the man charged with getting an accurate forecast for the proposed D-Day landings, which the Allies want to be on June 5th. Chris Messina plays his US counterpart who uses the past to decide his forecasts rather than science, much to the chagrin of the straight-laced and serious scientist Stagg. Brendan Fraser plays General Eisenhower, the man in charge of the Allies and the person who has to decide when D-Day happens. For a 100 minute movie that pretty much takes place in two rooms (it is based on a play), this was a tight and tense true story and is without a doubt the film of the week. You should seek it out, it's bloody spiffing, what, what. 8/10

Magic Moments

I'm obviously getting soft in my old age because I really enjoyed The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a 2013 Ben Stiller remake of the Danny Kaye classic. The wife had her reservations and was still not totally convinced, but I had been avoiding watching this for a long time and now I've seen it, I'm wondering why I didn't earlier. Stiller plays Walter, a mild-mannered man who works for Life magazine and spends a lot of time day dreaming about how his life could be much more exciting than it really is. Kristen Wiig is the love interest and Adam Scott plays the arsehole new boss, who gets on Walter's case because he can't find the final cover photo for the magazine - taken by Sean Penn's character. The interesting thing about this movie is that it starts off feeling like a post-modern remake of the original, but ends up simply being a good story of a man capable of doing more but hindered by his over-vivid imagination. This is an under-rated film. 8/10

Hungover

Time has not been kind to this movie. In fact, my memory of this was that it was a hilarious film and it was only a matter of time before we re-watched it and then indulged in the two sequels. However, The Hangover is something that has dated extremely badly; in fact, I'm amazed this has such a high IMDB rating (7.7) because it's fucking abysmal. I laughed twice, once early on and then once when it had almost finished, at a mildly amusing joke. This spawned two sequels (although I'm told 3 is really bad, so I should watch it just out of interest)? This might have well been a film about four strangers on a stag do for the amount of bonhomie there was on display and whoever said that Galifianakis was funny presumably had a bet on with someone... Four guys go on a Stag Do in Las Vegas and 24 hours later they're trying to remember what happened. Bradley Cooper - yes, that guy - should be ashamed of himself. 3/10

Field of WTF

I was about three quarters of the way through the concluding The Rose Field, the third book of Philip Pullman's Book of Dust trilogy and the concluding part of his sequel to His Dark Materials, when the wife asked me how it was going. "It's a cracking read, absolutely galloping along at a tremendous pace and with loads of nods back to forgotten and much-loved characters." I'm now thinking I shouldn't have opened my mouth, because what was all the things I described suddenly became an impenetrable limited number of words... I have no idea what it ultimately was about, why it existed and how Pullman managed to (or didn't, IMO) tie it all up inside 30 pages. There is a lot of allegory in this book, you can see that Pullman is having a sly dig at modern 'real' life through some of his sermonising, but I simply didn't understand the ending and felt it was a huge anti-climax. I was left feeling that, maybe, there was another trilogy afoot - but the author is 80 and it took him a decade to write this and ultimately I felt utterly let down by it all. If you've never read any of these books then there's little point in me recommending them and if you, like me, are a fan and you have read this, please explain to me what the fuck it was all about.

Daytime Channel Hopping

There's a world cup on and while there is the promise of some nuggets of sweetcorn in all this sporting diarrhoea, I'm getting to the stage where the Flash Drive of Doom (FDoD) is beginning to look like the scrapings of the scrapings of the bottom of the barrel. 

That means this blog is low on content - although I am now toying with the idea of not reviewing every episode of every TV show I like after discovering that some of my readers skip these reviews, despite me trying very hard to avoid spoilers. So, expect some changes once the sports are out of the way. 

This left me with an idea; write a section about all those TV programmes I'd never review or never actually watch more than a few minutes of; so I went channel hopping...

BBC1 - welcome to the social conditioning experiment, where the nation's broadcaster normalises things we should be raging against. Take Morning Live, a show I used to call Scam Daily or even People Are idiots. This is a programme that literally teaches us how not to get ripped off while simultaneously giving us guidance on how to live - if you can see the cistern then you're sitting on the toilet the wrong way. I'm gobsmacked that we're even getting TV like this in 2026; something akin to a huge daily public information film. The thing is while I doubt this show is aimed at Britain's poorest people - it's far too middle class - it does appear to be showing people how to live life for less money, how to save, how to avoid huge fees and how to accept less as the new normal. It's a hideous TV programme and it has bloody Helen Skelton on it, a woman who gives me hives.

BBC2 - during the day this station is all about news and we all now know that the BBC News is either too left wing or too right wing depending on who's watching it. The reality is when you have a news station (occupying a TV station) that is made up almost entirely of members of the Conservative party and a brief that is to scrutinise anything left of centre and breeze over anything that's right of centre then you know you're in for a political kicking. The BBC has a huge archive of programmes, I fail to see why they can't just turn BBC2 into a classic TV station until 6pm at night.

ITV(1) - does anyone watch this? Even when I'm channel hopping I rarely stay on channel 3 for longer than it takes the information screen to disappear. Quiz shows are, I suppose, the only reason this side is ever on in my house. It's not snobbery, I just find 98% of ITV's output off putting.

Channel 4 - Frasier... it used to be Friends. I expect in the future it will be some other 'classic' US sitcom. When it's not repeating something it didn't make it's got travel and property shows. Channel 4, like pretty much all other mainstream channels, is about as middle class as croissants. In the afternoon it's all about living somewhere else, like they're subconsciously telling you that elsewhere is so much better than here - then they show Brits living calamitous lives in countries where they refuse to learn the lingo...

Channel 5 - fucking Jeremy Vine and all the spin-off shows. Let's have a continuous stream of phone-in shows to highlight the fact the UK has so many fucking opinionated right wing arseholes, all being cheered on by that ghastly fucking cyclist. Not only should Vine be castaway on some distant planet, the entire day time output of this sleaze-infested channel of shite should be covered in petrol and burned.

Other Channels - have you ever wondered how some of you can have over 100 TV channels to choose from and they all seem to show programmes from somewhere else? Ignore the shit TV and concentrate on the adverts - everything from cheap cremations to 'Ronco' styled deals for everything from high powered anus washers to 'no strings attached' insurance policies that come with a free pen. If ever we needed a reminder why society is all about money now it's the adverts on the lesser TV channels. Everything has been monetised - this is why there's a clamour for more volunteering, because they only look for volunteers for things cunts can't make money from...

And breathe.

Spoiler Warning

So, the revelation that Jeremy Clarkson has had cancer was slightly ruined by it being plastered all over the news channels before anyone watched Clarkson's Farm. So I make no apologies for dropping that bombshell, if you didn't know then congratulations for not watching, reading or listening to the news. Given that Mr Geniality has made a couple of series of Who Wants to be a Millionaire since concluding this season, it would be safe to assume there will be a sixth series of his farming adventures and given he's had heart surgery and cancer in recent months, perhaps we might see a different Clarkson; one a little more tolerant and less Conservative (with a giant C)...

As for Clarkson's Farm, well it concluded (eight episodes in three weeks feels like Amazon was dumping it out there) with a couple of parts that were... well, frankly, tragic and devastating and none of it was to do with Jezza's cancer diagnosis. This was harrowing TV that was difficult to watch, had the wife in tears and made you feel real sympathy for the people who work at the farm. I've said for a long time that this is a truer reflection of British farming reality than anything Countryfile could offer and this proved it. Brilliant TV, but Jesus... it was heartbreaking.

Finale of Death

Widow's Bay ended in a truly disturbing way. Yes, there's probably going to be a second series and we should all be grateful - but if there isn't it still works as a standalone mini-series. The twist we all knew was coming was exactly as I forecast (not here) four weeks ago and it was joyously horrific. This TV series absolutely hit the right notes with its mixture of horror and absurd comedy, although the humour got drowned out a lot in the end, but was still lurking in the shadows. I can't recommend this enough. 

Trailer Trash

The new Spider-Man trailer has dropped and I've got to be honest, there seems to be an awful lot going on in Spider-Man: Brand New Day. There's the Scorpion, the Hand, Frank Castle, Bruce Banner, some ethereal villain, Spidey mutating, not a peep of 'Jean Grey' (if Sadie Sink is even playing her?) and tons more. Could it be senses overload with this? It's set in the city; no obvious big bad and there's a grittiness to it that reminds me of some of the early Captain America films, yet nothing about it is making me excited. 

Under-rated Gem?

I think I've been conned. I saw several reviews of a 1987 sci-fi action flick that all claim it's a great but overlooked movie. The Hidden isn't great, but it is a film, at least after a fashion it is. Kyle MacLauchlan plays an 'FBI' agent on the trail of a number of related serial killers with a penchant for fast cars, guns and women. Michael Nouri (no, me neither) is the cop he's teamed up with to track the wanted people. This is a film that has a cameo from Claudia Christian - pre Babylon 5 days - showing off her (arguably expensive and impressive) rack and giving them a good rub - yes, it was that tacky. I don't think I've seen a worse movie in the last dozen years. This is an absolute stinker about an alien chasing another alien across the planet, who happens to do so my inhabiting the bodies of people. It has a script that fell out of a donkey's arse; acting that would look bad in an Am-Dram pantomime and direction that stunk out the place. This is not an under-rated gem, it's fucking awful. 1/10

She-Punisher

Where to start? Maybe with the fact that Jennifer Garner can't really act or why was this film called Peppermint? Despite being quite an awful Punisher rip off (literally), there was some quite clever build up, but the acting was so poor that anything marginally good about this movie was lost in the fog of shite that descended on it after about 10 minutes. This is essentially the story of a woman (not called Francine Castle) whose husband and daughter are killed by members of a Latino drug cartel, so she waits five years, trains herself to be a one-woman-army, and then comes back to LA to kill everybody remotely linked to her family's deaths and all the corrupt officials who allowed the killers to walk away. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't very good. it was essentially the story of the Punisher tweaked a little and with a female Punisher rather than a man. 3/10

Tying Up Loose Ends

Next week is the season finale of Welcome to Wrexham. I firmly believe that two things will happen between now and next June. The first will be that Ryan and Rob will sell their controlling shares of the football club, stay on as emeritus directors and will be able to walk away with their heads held high and the fans adoration. The second will be that if Wrexham do not win promotion to the Premier League, there will not be a not be a sixth season - anything they film between now and next May will be shelved if the plucky little Welsh city doesn't reach the footballing nirvana. The reason for me thinking this way is simple - it feels like they're tying up all the loose ends at the moment; putting spotlights on people who haven't had the attention and continuing with the valedictorian theme I spotted last week. If this is the case then it was good while it lasted...

Sweet

I can't think of a better way to finish the next eight weeks than with an episode of the sumptuous Sugar. Colin Farrell is back as the benign alien private detective, now stranded on Earth and continuing to be a private eye, while driving in his classic car and wearing the sharpest of suits. Oh how I've missed this utterly stunning modern noir series. This new series is three pronged, by the looks of things, as John tries to track down the dodgy brother of a Korean boxer; keeps tabs on the senator whose son was the serial killer from last series and exploring whether he's the only alien left on the planet. There's little wrong with this series that I can see, it's also on Apple TV+ so it's another reason for you to watch it. Superb.

What's Up Next?

The final series of The Bear, the third series of House of the Dragon, more Sugar and more shite movies. Woo hoo!