My Cultural Life - Joy and Dog Poo In the Woods

What's Up?

You know you live in Britain when pop stars or celebrities who condemn what the Israeli Defence Force are doing get labelled 'terrorists' themselves. The problem the government, the press and their lackeys haven't cottoned on to is that most of the general public feel the same way as the pop stars and celebs. No one believes the bullshit coming from the people who are so clearly owned or have been bought by Jewish money. I'm sorry, that was anti-Semitic. I meant to say Zionist money. Oh yeah, it's anti-Semitic to say that as well. In fact you can't criticise Israel or the fucking Nazi cunts running their country without being accused of anti-Semitism, which we'd call racism if we were talking about anyone else. We've had to treat them differently since the Holocaust and we're not allowed to point out that what they now do to Palestinians is as bad as what Hitler did to Jews during WW2. The weird thing is there was this saying that accompanied the liberation of the concentration camps; that saying was NEVER AGAIN. Presumably, for a nation of people hellbent on repeating all of the mistakes their most recent oppressors made, they could do with a few lessons on how to ensure Never Again, never happens again...

If I die in mysterious circumstances in the coming weeks, don't whatever you do mention this blog...

In the Woods

Last year, I reviewed The Bear as an entire season breaking down each episode into its own paragraph, but because of how it fell, I've watched two episodes last week and the rest will undoubtedly be below these words... I kind of wish it would be released weekly over ten weeks because sometimes there's simply too much to talk about. This is the case with the third episode, which starts with Carmy totally accepting Syd's new scallop invention without criticism and nothing but superlatives; she's made up by it and seeing Ayo Edebiri smile is a thing of genuine beauty. Then this new, calmer and caring, Carmy spreads himself across his staff, being there to help, praise and mentor them without blowing a gasket. This ultimately leads to him going to Clare - his ex - and having a heart to heart with her. It might not have gone the way he wanted, but it did happen and I'd say there's reason to be hopeful that the missing component in his life might be coming back. And telling you this in no way should it spoil it for you because this is just the skin covering the meat of the show. Plus there was a lot of Donna (Jamie Leigh Curtis) and whenever Donna is in this show the chaos and drama is never too far away. This is so superb I'm running out of superlatives...

We ploughed through a big chunk on Sunday night, leaving us just four episodes to go. Episode four is all about Syd and her dilemma, it's pretty much a standalone episode for Edebiri and it ends with her seemingly making a decision about Carmy over Shapiro. Episode five was one of those unique to The Bear things, where the entire episode is like a staccato piece of music; short, sharp dips in and out of a day in the restaurant, with no one being the focus of the show - the perfect mid season point type episode, really. It's with episode six that you begin to see how the rest of the series is going to go. I'm not giving anything away. There is a scene with Neil Fak realising that one of the customers over the last few weeks has been coming in regular and leaving a different name all the time... 

The 7th episode, which is the customary long one is over an hour of gentle Berzatto family confrontations and humour. A completely polar opposite from the family episode from season two. It takes place at Richie's ex-wife's wedding to Josh Hartnett (in character) and it's another one of those snap shots of a dysfunctional family uniting. It was littered with the usual high profile guest stars, such as Sarah Paulson, Brie Larson, Bob Odenkirk and Jamie Leigh Curtis and we might have witnessed the rekindling of Carmy and Claire's romance.

Watching the two penultimate episodes of season four it dawned on me that I'm probably watching the final episodes of one of the best TV shows I HAVE EVER WATCHED, because I can't see there being an season five because so much has been wrapped up or is in the process of being wrapped up. All that remains for the last episode is whether The Bear, the restaurant, is going to remain open - the question being asked since season two. This has been what season four has been ostensibly about; everything else has just been 'other stuff' that needed dealing with. The 40th episode (and final?) of a story that started with Carmy returning to his brother's sandwich shop to pick up the pieces of Mikey's tragic death could end with Mikey, indirectly being key in the future of the restaurant. The season finale was essentially a three-hander which was jam-packed full of emotions, anger and all the reasons that have made this such a brilliant TV show. It might be the end of the line, and if it is it's a fitting ending, there might be a fifth season because you might argue there's one unresolved issue. If it is the end then thank it for being superb, for being the glimmering jewel in a sometimes soup bowl of shite. If you've never watched The Bear then it's your great loss.

Tear-Jerking Nail Biter

I get it. Most of the people who read this blog probably don't like football, but you'd have to be some cold and callous hater if you didn't find the finale of Welcome to Wrexham to be one of the most wonderful documentaries on TV. The conclusion of the fourth season should have been all about them gaining the prestigious back to back to back promotions - something no other club has achieved (the mighty Northampton Town came close in the 1960s) - but in this show's inimitable fashion it instead focused on a 12-year-old fan who is fighting for his life against leukaemia and what the club do to support the kid and his family. Honestly people, this might be a series about a football club but if Wrexham doesn't become your favourite team - or more likely second favourite team - then you have a heart of ice. A show where Ryan Reynolds should be the star but is constantly usurped by Rob McElhenney and his heart the size of a planet. This finale will have left very few people with dry eyes by the end.

Explanations?

Another 17 minute episode. This show is literally a weekly set up and main scene then it stops. Yet Murderbot this week started to explain what has been happening. I like this show, but I've found it challenging because of the run time alone. Anyhow, this week we find out that Sec Unit refers to himself internally as Murderbot. Gurathin continues to be so obstinately an arsehole that you have to wonder if he's the bad guy here trying to disguise this fact by acting like the bad guy and arsehole and Sec Unit finally takes control and the space hippies (or at least most of them) begin to realise that the android is actually on their side even if he's not sure himself.

Seriously though , when you have a ten-part series and the first eight parts have almost 20 minutes of material per episode it's difficult to think of new headings or things to say about it. However, when the penultimate episode is over 25 minutes long, that extra five minutes is a remarkable thing. This week's Murderbot broke with convention to enable the space hippies and Sec Unit to devise a plan to escape. We find out about the strange thing that Mensah saw in episode three and meet the people who have been terrorising them. Murderbot has a secret plan but he's neglected to tell the humans because he knew they'd screw it up for them all. I'm thinking the final part very short but in general this has been an enjoyable if a bit weird series.

I See Fire

To be honest, the opening episode of Smoke from Apple TV+ was... okay. I know there's a lot of vibes about this series about arson investigators, loosely based on a series of podcasts, but the opener felt a little half-baked [ahem]. Maybe it's because the two main characters, played by Taron Egerton and Jurnee Smollett are portrayed in such a passive aggressive way, full of bullish experience and useful knowledge. Eggerton's Dave Gudsen wants to be a writer and is so good at his job he has two serial arsonists running around his town. Smollett's Michelle Calderon is being punished for breaking off an extra-marital affair with her captain and this is as low as he can send her. Dave is happily married but it doesn't stop him looking at the athletic Michelle like he'd like to make the beast with two backs with her and all the time we have an arsonist who targets the crisp sections of supermarkets and another who utilises used vegetable oil to burn down houses and things he's envious of.

However, it's the second episode that so full of WTF moments you almost have to check yourself to make sure you're still awake. Nothing in this series is what it seems and when Calderon - a supposedly good cop - does something remarkably fucking stupid you start to wonder where this series is going, especially as it is following the story that was detailed in a true crime podcast; so there isn't much in the way of artistic licence at play here. However, as you marvel at the unbelievable goings on of the police officer, the end of the episode delivers one of those sucker punch things that make you wonder how this is going to last three episodes let alone nine. There is a genuine jaw dropping, I didn't see that coming, moment that will make this series all the more worthwhile. I totally get why the reviews I've read are all over this like a rash...

Thunderpants?

The second MCU box office flop of the year is actually a half decent movie, even if it feels oddly paced at times and not really a Marvel movie. What we did get to see is how they literally showed the entire film apart from the denouement in trailers leading up to the release of this feature. The scenes in the place they meet Bob; the limousine scene, the Watchtower scene, the Void's entrance - all are covered in the trailers and they are the main set pieces leading up to the finale. The trailers pretty much gave us an out of chronology outline of this film - they were teases of each major set piece with some of the spaces in between. It makes you wonder about the purpose of trailers or releasing clips prior to release. In the end it detracted from the movie's possible impact. 

Anyhow, this movie never dwelt on the issues that could have bogged it down and if Florence Pugh was the star of the film then that was a gamble that worked as far as I'm concerned. Pugh is fine as Yelena; a good 21st century hero, not white, not black but never really grey. The premise is relatively simple; all of the powered and non-powered individuals recruited by Val de Fontaine over the years have been hired to kill each other at a secret facility. No one knew Bob was going to be there, not even Bob. Yelena, Taskmaster, John Walker and Ghost quickly realise they've been set up and team-up to escape. This brings them into contact with Bucky Barnes, now a US Congressman, and the Red Guardian. Eventually it builds to the inevitable confrontation with Val and her new sidekick, Super Bob. 

This was different. It had no big battle scenes and didn't suffer for it. The disparity between Sentry and everyone else was a bit Superman-ish and if I had to criticise the film it would be that considering it was just over two hours long, you're halfway through it without much happening at all. Normally this would be a good thing, it would suggest the film is interesting without having to be all pyrotechnics and soul searching. However, apart from some dialogue to fill in people who hadn't seen any of the films or TV shows that most of the cast emerged from, not a lot happens aside from Yelena's unhappiness. There is a sense of superficiality, which doesn't help matters and while I enjoyed it far more than any of the last few films, I can see why audiences were poor. There isn't really a focal character you want to get behind and the actual proper villain is essentially a huckster. I'm not sure introducing Sentry was a good idea, especially with a reboot around the corner. I'm still going to give this movie a 7.5/10. It's second viewing may well be its defining moment.

Assisted Dying

Anthony Hopkins was 77 when he made this film; Jeffrey Dean Morgan probably hadn't been cast as Negan in the Walking Dead and Abbie Cornish was one of the eye candy in Sucker Punch, the Zack Snyder film many people conveniently forget. They were the three main stars in Solace a film about a serial killer with a special ability and the FBI specialist, who just happens to be a psychic brought in to try and help capture him. It sounds far fetched and to be honest Cornish's anguished and overblown acting didn't help, but this turned out to be a very intriguing and brutal movie; one that was well worth watching and one we thought we'd seen before, but perhaps were put off of it for a reason that is a decade old and long forgotten. While this is a film about a serial killer it's also one about death as well and the relationship between the killer and the dying. Colin Farrell, as usual, is superb in it - he rarely makes a dodgy movie - and it's all tied together extremely well, making it hard to believe everything you just watched took place in 100 minutes. It might have been a little far-fetched but it wasn't trying to be anything other than a cracking thriller. 8/10

Heads on Sticks

Seriously, it's not often I'm lost for words, but after sitting through Heads of State I found myself looking and sounding like a fish out of water. I remember turning to the wife and saying something about it being appalling, but in general I was left with the overwhelming feeling of how do I convey just how fucking awful, non-sensical and unfunny this action comedy was. There was so much wrong with it; so, so much. Like that load of horse shit I watched a few months back with Viola Davis as a kick-ass ex Green Beret women President who singlehandedly takes out a terrorist attack in a film that was so bad I forgot its name. Well, this was much worse. John Cena plays the POTUS - a former action hero who everybody loves. Idris Elba plays the British PM, who has been in post six years and is sliding in the polls. Priyanka Chopra-Jonas plays an MI5 agent and also love interest of the PM and Paddy Considine plays a Russian arms dealer who appears to be able to circumvent everything and everyone... When people make films like this have they any idea of the small armies that accompany the likes of the President and every other head of state? Or do they think that the people in charge of countries take a couple of bodyguards and fuck all else? This felt like it was made by a UK production company, there were only really about three actual American actors in it and was probably filmed in Bulgaria, where its cheap. This was execrable. It was dog shit in between your toes. It is a cold bag of vomit poured down the front of your face. If you watch it you will know this, but you will have had to watch it to realise how right I am. 1/10. 

* The Guardian gave this FOUR stars out of Five. The Guardian is a fucking joke**.

An Aside

** In 2023 when The Sandman premiered on Netflix, the Guardian was all over it like a rash. They loved it, calling it 'thinking person's fantasy' and hailing it as one of Netflix's best ever shows. In 2025, with many unpleasant allegations directed at Sandman creator Neil Gaiman, the second series, which was finished a while back, finally dropped. The ever populist Guardian, always contrary and annoying, thinks the new series is awful and all the things it liked about season one it now hates. Now, I can't remember if I really liked season one (I think I did), but I will say I wasn't a fan of Gaiman when it was released because I've never really been a fan of his work, but I didn't let that sour my feelings towards the show. It's clear from The Guardian's two star review that this was a review about Neil Gaiman and not the show. I will review The Sandman next week.

Ironfart

It is possible that a first might be achieved. The first MCU/Disney TV show that I have given up on before I've finished watching it. Ironheart didn't get a bad review last week, at least it wasn't as bad as, say, Heads of State, but after watching the fourth part of this awful TV series, I couldn't face watching the fifth and sixth parts. In fact I opted for the above mentioned shite film, which despite it getting a 1/10 score, I enjoyed marginally more than Ironheart. There is just so much wrong with this series, from the fact we have a literal genius on the same level as Tony Stark and Shiri from Wakanda, who decides to team up with bad guys to make some money, when she could have gone to any company in the world and have money pissed all over her. Maybe it's the characters and mish-mash of technology and magic, or possibly the tone of the entire thing, which just felt wrong. I see why Disney dropped all six episodes over the space of two weeks. What I can't see is why they bothered at all. Surely trashing the thing would have been better? I may never watch the last two parts. It might be something that I look back on in the future and think I'm glad I didn't do that because I saved enough time to have one more massive wank...

Super Man

The biggest drawback with Hancock, the 2008 'superhero' movie with Will Smith, Charlize Theron and the fabulous Jason Bateman is the plot/story. As an concept it's quite brilliant with some really funny set pieces, but the rather stodgy and difficult to believe reasons for it are what drag this down. There are some dodgy special effects, but in general they're pretty good and it never really dwells too long on anything, preferring to rat-a-tat-tat its way through the first hour. It's Charlize Theron's Mary who's the real problem; once you find out who and what she is you have to wonder why she settled for essentially a bleeding heart Liberal whose career as a PR man is obviously on the wane. This is Jason Bateman's role, as a man whose life is saved by the titular hero Hancock and feels it's his job to reinvent the superhero who causes more trouble than he solves, is permanently drunk and doesn't remember who or what he is.

Once we delve into the whys and wherefores of Hancock and then the history of the character, the holes start to appear and boy are they big enough to throw a Hulk through. The thing is this is a laugh out loud movie at times; the opening half is light hearted but violent and has a definite arc that is easy to follow. Once the film has lost that 'innocence' and starts to go down the actual road it's supposed to take it loses its way. It becomes quite a dark and tragic story that is dealt with in an almost tonally wrong way. That's not to say it isn't a good feature, one that gets shown on TV somewhere most years. I got the impression that it could have been a defining superhero 'parody' had it a slightly better story, one that can't be picked apart with little scrutiny. Still worth a 7/10 though.

Old Shite 2

17 years after Hancock, Charlize Theron, stuffed full of Botox, collagen and all manner of lifts was back in a sequel to a relatively trashy Netflix film from a few years ago. The Old Guard 2 is a sequel we managed about ten minutes before I called time on and stopped it. We'd forgotten most of the original and this didn't do enough to remind us of what happened - I suppose as it's on Netflix, they just thought you'd go and watch the first film again and carry on with this like nothing else happened. Anyhow, it was poorly acted and we didn't watch enough to know what it was going to be about, but as it was so bad we didn't need to. It would be nice if one of these streaming platforms actually made a decent film rather than this kind of junk.

Phone Dump

We ended a mixed week with a pretty dreadful thriller. Starring no one we'd ever heard of, although the wife remembered Brandon Sklenar from a TV series we stopped watching; Drop was one of those films where after 45 minutes you're wondering how the fuck they're going to string it out for another 45 minutes. It's one of those movies where you start wondering why everyone in the film is behaving the way they are and I'm not talking about the main protagonist - played by Meghann Fahy - but almost every other character. Everything is done in such a way as to try and bestow melodrama and it kind of fails. Essentially, Fahy's character Violet is the survivor of an abusive relationship who is going on her first date in five years, with a photographer who works for the mayor and anything else I tell you will spoil it and where I thought this film was a load of shite, some of you might watch it and not want to know how it pans out. Suffice it to say, she is being manipulated by an unknown drop caller to do his evil bidding and she's managing to stall it to stretch the film out to 90 minutes. It's not very good; you could drive a truck full of Hulks through some of the plot holes and as a who's doing it thriller, it does have its merits. But, really, I should have watched something more interesting instead. 4/10

What's Up Next?

This coming Friday, Superman hits the cinemas. My go to Marvel heroes were always The Hulk and the Fantastic Four (long before I became an X-Men nut) and my main DC man was Superman, so this summer it's the battle of two of my favourites as the Man of Steel takes on Marvel's First Family at the box office. Do I have a preference? No, I want them both to be a success, but if you had to push me I'd say I wanted Superman to win, because he's Superman, purely and simply...

Next week we'll watch The Sandman to see if the Guardian is right (it won't be) and there'll be something new to moan about. Wimbledon will still be on, as will several football tournaments and probably cycling, Scottish football, golf and cricket to make the annual summer of sport whizz past in a flurry of old films and shit TV shows we'd ordinarily never watch.

As always... 

My Cultural Life - Unleash the Summer Poonami

What's Up?

This week has been a fraught one for me. It's been busy even though my life doesn't really do busy any longer. It culminated in my 3rd Wigtown Ploughman pub quiz - last night. It was the 43rd quiz of my Scottish quizzing adventures and never before has there been such a catalogue of problems...

Unusually for me, I was a bundle of anxiety in the hours leading up to 7.30pm. I mean, I suffer from anxiety anyhow, but I usually get a massively positive rush of adrenaline from the moment I open my mouth. Because of my breathing, having a microphone is a godsend because I spent 30 quizzes in this venue shouting at people and I don't think I could do that now. Anyhow, we got to the pub at 7pm and it was heaving and there were the usual seating issues and then we couldn't find the microphone - it was like my anxiety had a premonition. The mic was no where to be seen. We were due to kick off at 7.30 but we still didn't have a working mic and despite the help of lots of people, rushing home to get their own mics, it looked as though I was going to have to shout again. It was hot - again - and I was fighting off a panic attack.

Then at 7.45, my mate David decided to look in the space that at least three others had looked and miraculously found it. It had fallen off the end of the shelf and only the lead was visible. We got started at 7.50 and everything went relatively smoothly, but it was so cramped, the wife and I were finding it hard to mark to answer sheets. But we muddled through and by the time it was the final music round we'd actually not over run at all. Then we couldn't find the cable to plug my phone into the sound system and more frantic telephoning, texting and handwringing, we had to improvise by playing the music from my crappy phone through the microphone and it worked remarkably well; helped by many now drunk punters singing along.  

It was another huge success despite the problems (there were others that cropped up throughout the 3 hours I was working, but problems are there to overcome or ignore) and I opted not to drink last night but still managed to finish the evening like I'd been presenting the quiz from the inside of a sauna. I'm getting too old for this lark, I'm already trying to devise a way where it can run smoother.

My mind's already turned to July 25th and the next big quiz!

Iron Fart

If you can put up with the Chicago-styled jargon and the slightly right-on bunch of criminals, Ironheart is almost okay. The problems with it and there are many, making it difficult to like. Dominique Thorne - Riri Williams - isn't likeable; she's not a very rounded character; she's brash and clearly has dubious morals, but she's also a bit PTSD and a bit High Anxiety and her suit of armour is absolute pants, which seems to run on economy mode. She's not even the main problem, despite being the main character. The main problem is Natalie or N.A.T.A.L.I.E, the AI that Riri created via her own subconscious. This is an avatar created from Riri's memories of her best friend, which means she should be vaguely like her dead best friend and possess only the memories that Riri has of her. Yet, she appears to be an AI version of what Natalie would be like now, five years after her death, reminiscing with Riri about shit they got up to when they were young. It was a bit like that hologram from Quantum Leap but with less plausibility. In fact, it's cringeworthy to the nth degree.

The villain of the series, the Hood, appears to be possessed by some being that is possibly magical in origin, meaning the analytical Ms Williams can't work out what's going on, but she knows he's a bad 'un. Then there's 'Joe', who somehow got co-opted into the plot and story by coercion and blackmail, who just happens to be Obadiah Stane's son (Stane was Tony Stark's former business partner and wearer of an alternate Iron Man suit in the very first MCU film). There are other characters, but none of them seem to be much more than what they call NPCs in computer games. The weird problem is I could get past all the dodgy supporting cast and dubious heists they pull off and the 'partnerships' they get with people they target - despite it all being very bollocky - I just keep coming back to Lyric Ross, Riri's Jarvis. She is fucking awful and every time she appears on scream it's like someone is reminding us that this almost could have been an okay series if it hadn't been for her. It's not as bad as Moon Knight or Secret Invasion, but it's pretty close...

Illusionists Too

Sequels are rarely as good as originals and this is the case with Now You See Me 2, which is set about 18 months after the original (but more like four years in real time). This pretty much follows the original in format, doesn't have Isla Fisher in it (she was pregnant when it was filmed) and tries very hard to be more complex and extravagant and fails miserably. Part of the problem is Daniel Radcliffe as the main antagonist; the Harry Potter star suffers from a small problem, one which no one seems to have spoken out loud - he can't act to save his life. He's wooden and seems like he'd be out of his depth in a 6th Form play; therefore he brings nothing to his part as a former tech mogul trying to gain revenge on his 'bro' who stole everything he created. He has somehow washed up in Macau and has limitless gangsters and hard men working for him and pretty much sticks our Four Horsemen into a corner they're going to struggle to get out of. 

As always, there's a problem and with this movie it's the balance between comedy and drama; the comedy doesn't work, the drama doesn't feel very dramatic. The story is far too convoluted, the set pieces are not as dynamic as the first film and the denouement feels contrived and a little far-fetched. It simply is a weaker version of the original, like a bad Xerox copy. There are also a number of unresolved bits in the plot and some unexpected and silly explanations to situations. Where the original is a must see movie, this isn't. 6/10

Unrevivable 

The writing is probably on the wall for Revival. I say this because when something happened in the second episode that I pointed out to the wife, her response was, "I don't care." The thing is, I don't think I did either. What seemed like an interesting premise in the first part seemed to lose sight of the ball in the second. I wanted there to be more investigative work to try and work out why the 'revived' had revived and a look at some of the social ramifications of this world-staggering event, but almost the entire episode was taken up with Dana (the deputy) trying to work out how her little sister Em had died. Her sister was not a lot of help and is acting exactly like you'd imagine an emo would act when they discovered they'd died but their body hadn't cottoned on to the fact. Dana's son meets a strange man in the woods and thinks he can hear something and dad - the sheriff - is a bit like a chocolate teapot. I wanted this to be weird enough to follow - even if it's a SyFy show and I kept this fact from the wife. The thing is she hasn't come out and said 'I don't want to watch this any more.' So... there might be a review of episode three, but I wouldn't hold your breath and I'd consider this review to be the one you should pay most heed to...

Huh?

We watched the film adaptation of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, the one with Gary Oldman channelling his inner Alec Guinness as George Smiley. It was one of the most impenetrable things I have ever watched. I lost the plot after about ten minutes and when the big reveal was exposed I had no idea how they came to the conclusion or if anything I'd watched for the previous two hours made any sense. Therefore I can only give it 2/10. It was obviously much better than that, but I'm being honest. 

Huh 2

I decided to follow the previous night's spy shenanigans with something a little less mind-fucking as Tinker, Tailor, etc etc, but we struggled to agree on anything, so we gave the 2010 thriller The Ghost Writer a go. It was directed by Roman Polanski, so I'd pretty much guessed from the outset that all the scenes set in the USA were shot somewhere that wasn't the USA given Polanski's relationship with US law enforcement back in 2010. That was a minor distraction, because the main things about this was a) it felt like a Polanski film from the late 60s or early 70s; b) it also felt like it was an adaptation of a stage play, oh and c) fuck all happened. It was as plodding as the most ploddiest of things; it was vague and a generally difficult to follow as the spy film from the night before. Ewan McGregor plays the titular ghost writer, who is hired to finish the memoirs of an British ex-PM - played by Pierce Brosnan - after his first ghost writer turned up dead on a beach. What has he walked into? Is there something more serious going on as the day Ewan starts his new boss is being indicted for war crimes. He might not be an investigative writer but he soon starts to follow vague leads and his own paranoia gets ramped up as he believes he's being followed by someone. I don't think I've seen a film with so many known actors that has felt so wooden and inauthentic as this; it reminded me of the illusions in Now You See Me, all smoke and mirrors except this was as riveting as watching paint grow or grass dry... 3/10

Trailer Trash

The final Fantastic Four: First Steps trailer has dropped. It is just over three weeks until the film's release and rumour has it test screenings have not set the world on fire. There is a genuine feeling among commentators that instead of kickstarting the MCU this film could put the boot into it in a really distressing way. It goes up against the Superman reboot (which also had indifferent test screening reviews) and the Jurassic World reboot with Scarlett Johansson, which is likely to be a load of shit but will beat the other two in the box office battle of the summer. Event films aren't really events any longer so are going to be received with a certain amount of trepidation and shoulder shrugs, but one gets the feeling that the future of the superhero film - for the moment - hangs on this and Big Blue.

The final FF trailer did two things for me - sent a shiver down my spine and filled me with dread. Apparently, test audiences were not happy with how Sue Storm and Shalla Bal team up to defeat Galactus or how Franklin - the baby - plays an important role while Ben, Johnny and Reed feel marginalised and surplus to requirements, so there were reshoots and revamps. There's the misogynist backlash about the female Silver Surfer and there's even a growing web movement claiming superhero films are too woke, too much about women and 'foreigners' - how they're not what they originally were and as a result have suffered. I think the problem is these films are no longer scripted by a writer and directed by a director. It's all about committee and hitting target audiences, while forgetting the main audience. Anyhow, the trailer doesn't really make the film seem like something we all need to go and watch; it also has a scene with the Thing with a beard - which is probably something that cropped up in the comic in the 25 years since I last read an issue. I really don't like the new Johnny Storm, I struggle with Pedro Pascal as Reed Richards and Vanessa Kirby is simply too old to play Sue Richards-Storm. I have no problem with Ebon Moss-Bachrach - so one out of four then... I really hope this is a success because I like a good MCU film, there just hasn't been many of them since Endgame (which I had loads of problems with). Anyhow, it better be fucking excellent or I'm going to be so pissed... 

... And Breathe ...

It's been a short week for watching stuff and almost everything we've sat down in front of has been slightly worse than meh. But every cloud has a silver lining and as the week was drawing to a close something special crawled out of the mud and shit. It stood tall and swore an awful lot...

I never understood the critics who had a problem with The Bear season three; I thought it was a masterpiece, much like seasons one and two. Season four obviously has a lot to live up to and if the opening two episodes are anything to go by then we're still in the realms of it being one of the greatest television series ever created.  Jeremy Allen-White is still, pound for pound, one of our greatest living actors; he commands roles; he is everyone he's ever played and he's surprising me with his Carmine Berzatto, the punk kid from Chicago who wants to turn his old family business into a Michelin starred restaurant. We now know the result of the season three cliffhanger; we know what the restaurant critic thought and how that affects everyone in the building and a few outside. The Original Beef takeaway round the back is still as busy as ever, making money and knocking it out of the park; Ebraheim is working wonders with it, but the classy posh dining out the front is struggling and it needs a direction and it needs a miracle. The focus of these early parts is trying to turn The Bear into Chicago's best restaurant in under three months or it's going to be closed down because uncle Jimmy is going to pull his cash out. There is the usual class supporting acts from Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Richie and Ayo Edebiri as Syd and after two episodes it felt like dipping back into one of the finest dishes on any menu. If you haven't succumbed to this show's brilliance yet, book your table, you won't be disappointed by the menu or the service.

What's Up Next?

Much the same, but probably more of it. I'm tired, you know the rest...

 

My Cultural Life - What Are We Missing?

What's Up?

Power to the people!!

What a quaint and utterly ineffective idea that is in 2025. People have no power. Protestors are likely to get more jail time than someone trying to 'rid the country of foreigners' with fire. Protestors are as demonised as Muslims, Europeans and socialists...

The crazy thing is more and more people are voting for politicians who want to steal away the rights people have fought for over the last hundred years or so; many in the belief that their own rights will not be affected, just those of people they don't like or want. Supporters of Trump, Farage, Orban, Meloni, etc don't mind that their civil liberties are being removed just so long as someone else is worse off than them. It's a race to the bottom. These people aren't optimistic about the future, they just want as many people to suffer as possible while allowing politicians to strip mine assets, line the pockets of their rich overlords and concentrate on making sure caring about others is as bad as fiddling with kids. Don't be 'woke' it's a sign of weakness. How can you possibly care about someone you don't know? Get back under your rock and shut the fuck up, you fucking woke socialist pansy. 

In 2025 there are more people frothing at the mouth about Disney casting a brown person in a role that once was the 'property' of a white person than they are about Israel starting fights with almost everyone. Maybe that's because Israel is picking on brown Muslims and white people shouldn't care about that. I mean, we don't really care about our own brown people so why care about others?

I wonder if others - and you lot who read this - are aware of how shit life has become. The threat of war; the normalisation of billionaires; the lack of hope. We sit down to the news and we're fed a stream of horror stories, which many of us are simply immune to and those of us who are horrified have this feeling of uselessness. Governments don't act in our names or beliefs; we elect people to carry on butt fucking us; some parties with lube, most of them with sand or salt. Everything has been 'capitalised', everything has to make a profit or it's not worth having. If people miss out on something - tough. Then there's the bi-products of all of this; such as attacking people we once respected because it's not just about me me me in their eyes. Doctors, nurses and schoolteachers are verbally and physically abused and again there's this normalisation arising from it. Why should people get pay rises; we should shoot strikers, sink boats in the channel... Has anyone looked at X in the last year or so? It's scary. It's so full of hatred, rage and discrimination, but distilled and bottled like it's some rare essence - actual pure evil (that again has been normalised). 

Soon, people like me and some of you will have to watch what we say, or write or comment about on social media. Tolerance will become a crime, hatred will be rewarded. This is 2025 and everything I've written above isn't just an old man moaning. That's the most frightening thing.

Waylaid on Mars

We have seen John Carter before but apart from some scenes, which vaguely rang bells, it was very much like watching a new [Disney] film. The critics hated it, it bombed at the box office, Taylor Kitsch and Lynn Collins were exceptionally wooden and yet I know a few people who rate this quite highly. I wouldn't go as far as that, but I would suggest it isn't as bad as everyone thinks. It has many problems, but the bones of the story isn't one of them. There are some stilted plot points along with some contrived elements, but these only really surface when you sit down and analyse the film... I remembered John Carter from his Warlord of Mars days, as a Marvel comic in the 1970s, when the MCG (as they were known then) picked up some contracts from Edgar Rice Burroughs properties, Toho and Mattel. It wasn't a comic I was blown away by, but they were written by Marv Wolfman - who lived in Tarzana, the name of which was adapted from Tarzan - another ERB property - and where the author spent his final days. I've been to Tarzana (and to Marv's old house) and because it was dark I can't tell you much about it at all.

Essentially, John Carter, ex-Confederate Captain, is a gold prospector who stumbles across a cave full of the stuff, which turns out to be a portal for ancient Martian mystics to travel to and from Mars. Carter accidentally ends up on Barsoom (Mars) and after learning to walk again - because of the atmosphere and pressure - he ends up being captured by native Martians called the Tharks, where he becomes an honorary member of their tribe. Meanwhile the last free city of Mars - Helium - is about to be conquered by a warlord who is being guided by the same ancient mystics Carter came across and the Virginian gets involved in a rebellion and a revolution to save Deja Thoris, the Princess of Mars. The special effects are pretty good, in places, and very silly in others. Kitsch isn't a leading man, hasn't got the physique and can't act for toffee, but he doesn't stop the movie from rattling along at a cracking pace. In the end it was an agreeable way to spend a wet and damp Saturday night. 6/10

Wondrous Story

Whatever happened to Curtis Hanson? (He died in 2016 is the simple answer) The film director and writer was responsible for some groundbreaking and original movies, such as LA Confidential, 8 Mile and The River Wild. He wasn't prolific but like so many distinguished film directors (and writers) his output was nearly always quality. I never knew Hanson directed The Wonder Boys, in fact, I hadn't even thought about this film since its release in 2000, when Barry Norman gushed about how good a film it was. I never found myself in the same sphere as this movie and it could well have completely passed me by has it not been for a slip of the finger when looking at IMDB. So because of that, we settled down to watch it as our Sunday night treat. Oh and what an absolute treat it was...

Having no idea what it was about (because sometimes that's the best way to watch a film) we were captivated by it from almost the opening scenes. With a stellar cast including Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Frances McDormand, Rip Torn, Katie Holmes and Robert Downey Jr, it told the story of Grady Tripp, a writer and professor at a Pittsburgh university who is juggling work, his new book, his wife who has just left him, his editor, the affair he's having with the university's chancellor and the advances of a young student, over a 72 hour period. It reminded me of the screwball comedies of the 40s and 50s, which usually starred Cary Grant. It was funny, strange and goes off in a direction - or directions - probably no one expected. It involved some of the following - an odd student who no one likes; a dead dog, a bag of weed, an unfinished novel, a transvestite, a pimp, a jacket and a set of interconnected circumstances that are relentless in their delivery. It's one of those films where if I started to explain what went on I would end up writing a novel about it and the way everything that happened had something to do with something else that was also going on. It could have been a jumbled mess, but it's held together by Grady's commentary. The thing is to tell you about the plot is a really difficult thing to do because many of the events that take place - out of context - would simply sound bizarre.

It absolutely speeds along, almost like the drug-fuelled farce it is, but ultimately it's about a period of time where the main protagonist finds redemption after a series of misadventures. Apart from the fire hydrant, this is a faultless comedy. If you haven't seen it, track it down - they simply don't make films like this anymore; but perhaps this was the last great movie of its kind. 9/10

A Fan Theory

Is DC/Warner Brothers about to usurp Marvel with a Multiverse idea that no one saw coming? The reason I ask this is because if you look at the new Superman film, in some kind of context, it makes little or no sense... Allow me to chuck my idea at you and see if any of it sticks (because the actual film will be out in a few weeks, so all this might end up being moot). The things that are bugging me about this relaunched DC Superhero Universe don't seem to have been picked up by anyone else. The discussion appears to be whether or not James Gunn can pull off something special and whether it will kickstart a new DC Cinematic Universe. However, I'm not sure it fits into that category. I think we might be seeing something altogether different...

What are the key factors in the upcoming film that make zero sense in terms of DC superhero history in films? This film has a living Jonathan Kent in it. It has Krypto the Super Dog. There's a Guy Gardner, a Mr Terrific, a Hawkgirl, a Metamorpho, an outrageously nasty Lex Luthor and a number of other characters we've never seen before. Could we be dipping into another Earth? Not the one that Henry Cavill's Superman exists? Not the one where Michael Keaton has been Bruce Wayne? Not the one where Ben Affleck's Batman is Superman's mate? Not the one where Jason Momoa is a truly fucking awful Aquaman? Where Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman is someone else entirely? Are we seeing DC steal a march on Marvel and take back their original idea? Marvel's Multiverse ramblings have been dull and boring and have suffered from one really fanboy problem - that Multiverse that they've struggled to get any excitement for over the last five or six years isn't even their idea. It was DC Comics' idea in the 1980s (and then subsequent sequels). 

What if James Gunn's revamp of the DC Universe is actually a kickstarter for a cinematic Crisis on Infinite Earths? It's definitely an idea to think about. This Superman might be a new look at an old idea, but this has things that are incongruous to Superman films of the past - Clark's alive dad being the most jarring. There has never been a super dog and apart from Ryan Reynolds' Green Lantern flop there has never been a Green Lantern in the DCEU. In fact other super beings have been few and far between, apart from in The Flash. We've heard that Momoa is coming back, but this time as Lobo (far better casting); there's also got to be a reason why DC continued releasing all those shit films. I wouldn't be at all surprised if we haven't seen the last of Henry Cavill, especially as he said four days before he was replaced as Superman that he was looking forward to carrying on in the role. Or the fact that one of Gunn's proposed future films is OMAC - which would tie into DC's Infinite Crisis comic series. I'm probably wrong, but part of me wants to be right.

Pensioner Abuse

A decision I found strange was casting 79-year-old John Lithgow as Dumbledore in the new Harry Potter TV series, which is expected to run 10 years. That means the American veteran actor will be pushing 90 if he sees out the distance. However, in The Rule of Jenny Pen he seems much more sprightly than his co-star Geoffrey Rush, who is six years his junior. This is a movie about abuse of elderly and infirmed people and the fact those with a duty of care to protect them are often uninterested and ignorant of what goes on... Except, this isn't some kind of documentary or socially right-on film, this is a psychological horror story that suggests for large parts of it that Lithgow's psychopathic cruelty dispenser might be something more than just a sadist and a bully. Rush's judge has a stroke while sentencing a child abuser in court and finds himself, because of circumstances, in a rehabilitation centre/home that he treats with some disdain. He's targeted by Lithgow's Dave Crealey, who might have worked at the home for over 60 years and possesses a strange doll that is always with him. People die, are tortured and systematically abused and he gets away with it because the staff simply aren't listening. The film's problem is it's really boring and a little dull. The acting is okay - for a New Zealand movie - but it just seems to drag on and feels a little voyeuristic. 5/10 

Up in Smoke

Cheech and Chong's Last Movie is an entertaining documentary looking at the lives of Richard 'Cheech' Marin (the Mexican one) and Tommy Chong (the Canadian/Chinese one) and how they, for a while, became one of the biggest acts on the planet with what was then extremely iffy material. Cheech and Chong were the first and best stoner comedians; able to make jokes about something that was extremely illegal in the USA at the height of their fame. Reuniting the pair to be in a documentary was inspired - Chong is 87, Marin 79 and both of them, considering the amount both smoked, are in fine fettle. As they told their life stories, via interviews and old film footage was funny and nostalgic, reminding me of an age when I'd sit and listen to Big Bambu or watch one of their stoner comedies with plenty of my own weed knocking about.  

The weird thing about this film is how, from about the 70 minute mark you start to see that the dynamic between the two was maybe not as egalitarian as Tommy wanted you to believe it was. I first noticed it during clips of an interview they did with Playboy that was filmed; Chong did most of the talking, Cheech did lots of eating and drinking and when he did speak it was like an addendum. Then you start to notice the way Tommy talks about himself in the first person; how he likes to be in charge; how he was the director, the main script writer, the reason for the two of them being so successful, yet, like all good narcissists managed to make it sound like the double act was just that, when it was clear that despite being the actual comedian, Cheech Marin was the poorer of the duo both in the money they made and the credit they were due. There is a point towards the end of the film where the two talk about the slightly acrimonious split they had and one has to wonder if it was deliberately filmed the way it was or if there really is still some resentment from Cheech - who, it has to be said has gone onto a far more successful career as a solo performer. I'm sure there are places where I can find more out about this, but at the moment I'm just glad I watched the documentary... however, it lacked a couple of things - real humour and a sense of honesty. 6.5/10 

The Return of the Living Dead

There is always one huge elephant in the room when you start watching a TV show that first aired on the SyFy Channel. That is the fact that this TV station has a history for putting shit in their schedules. The station that actually first showed Resident Alien and then dropped it because it was shit (only for it to be picked up by some other stupid fucker). However, despite all the warning signs, the alarm bells and the fear that it might just be another series with quirky characters, plinky-plonky incidental music and actors you've only ever seen as extras in mid-budget films, we watched the first episode of Revival and didn't vomit all over the carpet. It suffers from the same problem other SyFy Channel programmes have since I first started watching the station in the 1990s - Amdramitis; but it was also just about watchable. It tells the story of a small town, presumably near the Canadian border given the thickness of some of the accents, where everyone who has died since a specific date has come back to life and the fallout it causes. There's also a mystery involving a dead horse and the Sheriff's family, consisting of two daughters - one a deputy, the other a student - and a grandson. I'm not expecting to make it to the end of the first season, but we'll definitely give it a few more weeks before calling it a night.

Too Many Kooks

To spoil or not to spoil, that is the question? I wasted my entire Wednesday evening watching the first four episodes of the ten-part TV series, of which I am not going to watch the other six parts. I'm sure the missing parts may well end up being the best TV show I've never watched, but I'm getting too old to persevere with something I was bored with after 45 minutes, but after three hours I was just praying for it to end. The Crowded Room has a good IMDB rating. It has a pretty good cast including Tom Holland, Amanda Seyfried, the fantastic Emmy Rossum and Jeremy Isaacs, but if you'd asked me halfway through the fourth episode what it was about I think I would have been utterly clueless. All I did know was it was as boring as fuck and nothing seemed to happen apart from Tom Holland's Danny Sullivan getting himself into a number of scrapes he could have avoided. 

It turns out this is based on the non-fiction book The Minds of Billy Milligan - an account of the first person ever to be acquitted of a crime after being diagnosed with what we call a multiple personality disorder and we got our first clue about this with the conclusion of the fourth part. However, I'd given up the will to live by then and the story that was stutteringly unfolding in front of us felt so far-fetched and riddled with bollocks. From what I've ascertained since watching those four episodes is that Danny goes on to commit a number of quite horrible crimes, which he was eventually acquitted because of dissociative identity disorder - having a split personality. The series follows the psychiatrist as she slowly peels away the layers of personalities to uncover the truth - a truth that Danny is never aware of because his other 'selves' did it. The problem I had was the longer it went on the more I lost interest.

Obfuscation

It sometimes amuses and amazes me that I can continually find movies I've never seen before, especially ones I've known the existence of for well over a decade. With this particular film, it has been on TV a few times (as has its sequel), yet for some strange reason it (and they) have never really appealed to me and I don't understand why. On Thursday night, I watched Now You See Me and wondered why I'd never been tempted. You see, it's probably one of the biggest movies of the 21st century I have never watched; it ranks very high on IMDB and it has among others Mark Ruffalo and Isla Fisher in it. It also has Woody Harrelson, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Dave Franco, plus a few more well known faces; it is almost an event movie. Yet, here I was watching it for the first time and wondering why? It is quite brilliant. Now, there's a scene right near the beginning of this where Jesse Eisenberg (he's pretty much the star) is explaining to a young lady he's bamboozling with a magic trick that she is paying too much attention to the trick and not enough to what is going on around the trick and sure enough when the reveal happens it surprises the viewer as much as it does the actress being surprised. This is quintessentially the heart of this magical heist movie; you are led by the nose through the entire thing until you start to question everything that happens and almost everyone involved. You don't watch the film, you watch the action and even if you didn't do that you probably wouldn't see the twist at the end that's coming - the more you see the easier it is to fool you. I'm still not quite sure what I watched or how it was done, unless it was just special effects to make it look like fabulous magic tricks. What I will reveal though is if you haven't seen it you should, because it will blow your mind at times and have you shaking your head at others - in a mixture of disbelief and amazement. It's an absolutely stonking film that will leave you wondering just why they did everything they did. 9/10

The Missing

Another film that I missed when it came out that has finally made it to a TV near me is the Ben Affleck directed Gone Baby Gone, which tells the story of two private investigators who are brought in to work side by side with the police after a four year old girl goes missing. Casey Affleck and Michele Monaghan play the two private eyes who are also romantically involved, while Morgan Freeman and Ed Harris play the veteran cops investigating the case from the right side of the law. It isn't an easy film to watch and not because of the subject matter but because of the thick Bostonian accents, the mumbling and the fact that it's just extremely difficult to follow the narrative. That's not to say it isn't a good film, it's just a bit strange as far as the pacing goes and the way it unfolds. Eventually everything comes to light, thanks to Affleck, but is it a happy ending or is it tragic? Are the victims really victims and are the guilty really criminals? It might seem strange asking these questions in a film about the disappearance of a child but these questions are what your brain will be debating. 6/10 because it was tough to follow.

It's About the Game

The penultimate episode of this season of Welcome to Wrexham focused on the football rather than the human interest. It kicks off with a slightly shocking tale of a travelling fan experiencing cardiac arrest at a crucial away game against Wycombe Wanderers but dedicates most of the episode with the battle for second place in League One, especially as everyone has given up chasing Birmingham. It's weird, really, because this felt like a treading water type of episode rather than the one that leads up to yet another record-breaking milestone for the Welsh club. There was a reunion and a visit from Ryan, but it was all about the men's and women's teams and how their seasons were culminating and, oddly enough, it was the least entertaining so far...

And Then It's Gone 

A good friend of mine (and many of the people who read this as well) suggested that Murderbot is a great show to sit down with a cup of tea and a biscuit. The thing is I could easily manage the biscuit, I'm just not sure the tea would cool down enough for me to drink it. This week, which continues on from last, is really about trying to get the hippy scientists to understand that while Sec Unit might have blown the nasty woman's head off, she was likely to have killed them all and the sec unit was actually doing them a favour. The problem is they're now all scared of him despite their own lives being in imminent danger from a threat they don't know or understand. You kind of wish they'd just all die because they do themselves no favours and Gurathin's insistence that sec unit is bad/evil is starting to look more like the ranting of a fool than a man with tech implants to make him clever. This show will never be long enough and I wonder if some tech savvy person will simply cut all the action bits into a 2½ hour film...

What's Up Next?

The Bear is back next week so provided the end of the world doesn't happen one of the best things on TV returns. Nothing else really matters (but there are some finales and some penultimate episodes of stuff). 

Oh and this year, the longest day, was also one of the warmest and felt like summer, which made a nice change. It's all down hill from here (and summer might have ended looking at the long range forecasts).

My Cultural Life - Death and Taxes

What's Up?

I've said for as long as I've been interested in world politics that Israel will start World War 3. I've always been absolutely sure about this, to the point that I would have had a bet on it. It seems that these paranoid Nazi-aping bunch of psychopaths have taken the world one step closer to all out war.

It isn't enough that these wannabe Nazis have bombed Gaza back to the stone age and have been targeting children - the next generation of Israel haters - they have been flexing their USA backed muscle in Syria, Lebanon and Yemen. Now they choose to pick on one of the most volatile regimes in the world. Yes, Iran can't afford to have a war, but that means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

In 2010, I wrote a blog that forecast that by the time WW3 is over, Israel may well be a smouldering nuclear hole in the ground, allowing whoever is left to play the victim card again. The fact they continue to use the victim card as the main reason for all of their aggression towards just about everyone who doesn't think them wiping a race off the face of the planet is a good thing is no longer justification to allow this rogue nation to put the rest of the world at risk. Israel not only needs to be stopped, it needs to be muzzled and zero air time should be afforded to their bonkers supporters. The world sees them for what they are even if the media refuse to acknowledge this.

Best Thing on Netflix (Maybe TV)

Based on the novels by Jussi Adler-Olsen and following a brilliant but damaged cop leading a team of misfits in solving cold cases in Edinburgh, Dept Q has, without a doubt, been the best new TV series I have watched this year. It reminded me of Slow Horses but with more violence, nastiness and sex. It is a mixture of slightly comedic, bizarrely baffling and fucking excellent story telling. I know I've been banging on about this for the last couple of columns, but this really is the real deal. Matthew Goode - who I wasn't really familiar with - is superb as Carl Morck, leading his team including Akram - Alexev Manvelov - a former Syrian secret policeman, Rose Byrne as the equally mentally-troubled DC Rose Dickson and Jamie Sives as Morck's paraplegic partner. The entire series follows their investigation of a missing barrister, believed to be dead. The original investigation seemed botched and left a paper trail that suggested malpractice by every position from the original investigating team to the Lord Advocate (Crown Prosecutor played by Mark Bonner). There is also the running subplot about the shooting that paralysed Morck's partner, put him in hospital and killed a young police officer - this doesn't get fully resolved, so expect this to expand in the inevitable season two. This is stunning television; what the box was invented for. While I don't usually score TV shows, this gets a solid 11/10.  

Oh FFS

Yes. I know. I said I would never watch another episode of Resident Alien. After a very enjoyable first season, this show fell off a cliff with season two and was so bad in season three that I only stuck with it because I'd been assured it was going to end. However, it ended with a cliffhanger and the promise of season fucking four... So why am I talking about it now? Well, I saw a Tube of You video and read an online review that both said the show had got its mojo back. That season four seemed to return to the roots that made season one so calamitously hilarious and interesting. So against my better judgement I procured a copy of season four, episode one and put it on; this is what I thought... 

Shit. It was shit. Great dollops of stinky shit. As shitty a thing as ever came out of any arse ever. How the fucking hell did this heap of shit ever get to four fucking seasons? Everyone has lost weight in it. It's like the cast were told, "Sorry there's no more free food from the catering truck, you can buy your own food you fat fucks." When I say everyone has lost weight, that's everyone apart from Sarah Tomko who has taken all the weight lost by the rest of the cast and shoved it up her own arse, which is now bigger than the show itself. No more. There will be no more of this, ever. FFS, the standard of TV comedy Sci-Fi has slipped down a sewerage canal and is now wallowing in really old shit. Just fuck off and never darken my television ever again. Fuck off!!

The Incompetent Farmer

The finale of Clarkson's Farm was remarkable. Jeremy opened his pub, now called The Farmer's Dog, and it really shouldn't have been open for at least two weeks. Thousands of people turned up and nothing worked; the beer packed up; the food ran out; the toilets broke down; it absolutely pissed down with rain - which also impacted on his farming activities in a most depressing way and, of course, it finished before Clarkson discovered he needed heart surgery or he would die. Oh, yeah, some of his staff quit, the two ladies organising the pub quit on the third morning it was open and I ask the question again, how can someone go into something like this without doing his homework or realising he was making a massive error not waiting until everything worked? Oddly enough, at one point, when Jeremy discovered his durum wheat harvest was a complete write off and was literally worthless, he turned to the camera and said, 'People think Amazon are paying for this, but they're not. This comes out of my pocket. £25,000 out of my wallet because we can't sell anything we've grown.' You want to feel sorry for him, but he's extremely rich and plays the system to suit him, so if the pub doesn't work and he has to shut it down by the next series, I'm not going to feel sorry for him. This is a great farming programme that does more for the industry than Countryfile has ever done; running a pub isn't helping highlight any problems because most new pubs aren't fucking stupid enough to do it like Jeremy did. I'm still looking forward to season five because of what we've discovered has happened since this finished filming.

How Did I Miss That?

The great Mel Brooks will be 99 on June 28th. he has outlived pretty much all of his friends and loved ones. He is still remarkably able, or at least he was during 2023 when they made Imagine... Mel Brooks Unwrapped, the latest (and last) in what became a series of interviews with the American auteur over about 45 years. Brooks was just 97 when it was made and I wondered how old Alan Yentob, who had first interviewed him since 1982, was and the wife said, "He died about two weeks ago." I was gobsmacked. I think I keep up with current events, but I clearly missed the death of the 78-year-old former head of BBC2 and it really shocked me and seemed to prove my opening line about Brooks outliving everyone. About 60 years ago or so, Brooks and his lifelong friend Carl Reiner performed a skit called the 2000 Year Old Man and I'm beginning to wonder if the man born Melvin Kaminsky is going to outlast us all. Two years ago when this wonderful and funny show was made, he was still zooming around like a man half his age and capable of making me, you, Yentob, Alan the cameraman and everyone else laugh. It was great to watch this show, which was put on as a tribute to Yentob. I'm still reeling from the fact the man died at the end of May and I never knew about it. I wouldn't say I was a fan of his work, but he never did anything I couldn't respect. Totally shocked.

Stuck

It appears that Stick has more in common with Happy Gilmore than the actual game of golf. I'm not ready to give up on this yet, but I fear it might be one more episode and I'll be done with it. I apologise in advance but I'm going to be a bit anal about this third episode of Owen Wilson's golfing comedy: amateur golf competitions follow PGA and USPGA rules, therefore 1) players or caddies are not allowed to use buggies; 2) there is not a gap between the front nine and the back nine - you finish hole #9 and go straight to hole #10, you don't get time to sit around in a shed talking to a woman who just got fired from her job as a barmaid; 3) on course betting is illegal in the USA; 4) Santi and Pryce simply turned up for the tournament; there would have been entry rules and even wildcard entries system, who usually find out about a few days before it starts; 5) never in the history of golf has someone shot a +6 on a front nine, been given a one shot penalty for being late to the tee (+7) and then shot -9 on the back nine to win the tournament with -2: it's improbable at best.

This is Ted Lasso country without a doubt. In the football comedy, the truth was jettisoned to allow the jokes to work and because most of the USA has no idea how 'soccer ball' works, it could appeal to all the ignorant fuckwits while tickling the fancy of people who understood how Association Football worked. I can't imagine there will be that many people out there who would watch Stick if they had no interest in the sport; this is going to appeal mainly to the 10 million people who subscribe to golf channels and watch major tournaments; the crossover appeal is close to zero... Then there's the characters; Owen Wilson's Pryce Cahill is like a kid with a gun, but he's the most consistent thing about this. Maybe it's the mish-mash of oddball characters that is going to make this tick, but I simply can't see past the fact that it plays fast and loose with every aspect of the golf game and I know that makes me a nerd, but I do like my comedies to have an internal logic, which this is struggling to find. 

The fourth episode, which we watched on Wednesday night, confirmed all my fears, but also allowed me to basically put into words the problems I have with this series... Pryce's golfing prodigy Santi (Peter Dager) is a young punk and a twat, I wouldn't say he's totally dislikeable, more like hateable. Pryce's former caddy Mitts (Marc Maron) who is their driver, isn't likeable and seemingly just brings Marc Maron to the show (the man who produced the most listened to podcast in US podcasting history); Santi's mother (Mariana Trevino), who has screwed $100k from Pryce to turn her son into a champion is really unpleasant and unlikeable. Zero, the barmaid who got sacked for having a giant chip on her shoulder is an argumentative bore, is thoroughly horrid and millennial. Meanwhile, Owen Wilson is more of a fucking doormat than suspected, he needs to grow a pair. However, I'm not going to be around to see if he does grow a pair or if this show manages to be better than it currently is; I'm not hopeful and I'm not watching any more.

Unforgettable 

We sat down to watch Immortals, a film with Henry Cavill before he had a nose job and his teeth fixed. It had Mickey Rourke as the bad guy and Luke Whatshisname as Zeus. It looked really dark, moody and quite sumptuous at times, it was unbelievably boring and almost impenetrable at other times. After it finished it was twelve hours before I remembered I hadn't written a review about the film I saw last night that I can't quite remember...

Weird Scenes Inside the Twat's Mind

Oliver Stone's 1991 biopic The Doors is a lot of pretentious bollocks. It might be reasonably accurate, but this overblown art house nonsense - because that's what it wants to be - just paints a picture of a complete narcissistic arsehole and his three gophers. It isn't the story of the Doors, it's the story of Jim Morrison and how though a mixture of drink, drugs and his own ego managed to become one of the Hippie Era's first sex symbols. The rest of the band were just cyphers, characters put in the film but not really in it. Kyle MacLachlan's Ray Manzarek is a wallflower; Frank Whalley's Robbie Krieger is portrayed as someone who only functions when Morrison tells him to and Kevin Dillan's John Densmore is portrayed as argumentative and demonstrative, until the closing scenes when it felt like his history had been revised.

This is a film that exploits women by pretending to be all about the Swingin' Sixties and the Hippie movement, but it simply felt like an excuse for Stone to get any female in the film to get her tits out. Kilmer is incredible as Morrison, but Morrison is an arsehole and you literally, from about the hour mark, start wishing for it to hurry up and let him die, in Paris. He's unpleasant, egotistical and dislikeable; but so are everyone else in this film, either overtly or passively. This is a film that was fantastic in 1991 and now feels of its time and like something best forgotten about. 5/10

A Song of Ice and Flatulence

At the age of 76, suffering from ill health and 14 years since he wrote the last published part of his Game of Thrones series of books, it is now blatantly clear, given his most recent blog, that the fat fuck who is responsible for said Game of Thrones nonsense isn't going to finish writing The Winds of Winter and will never begin writing A Dream of Spring, which, allegedly, would conclude the massive tome. Martin basically said in his most recent blog - which he manages to write with far more regularity than he does anything to do with Westeros - that people should be excited for all the other projects he has coming out and need to allow him to enjoy these things and not hassle him for the latest in the Westeros saga. So, it's not an actual admission that it isn't going to happen, but IT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN! I've been convinced about this for at least seven years when I got embroiled in an argument about whether this ludicrously overrated writer owed it to his fans to finish a story so many were invested in. I was firmly on the side of 'If you start something and it's popular then you owe it to the people who have made you shit loads of money to finish it.' There were many people quite happy to allow GRRM 25 years to finish the story and others who claimed it was his right to do whatever the fuck he wanted. He can. He's still a fucking Grade A Tool in my books and he won't get another penny out of me. 

Almost Midsummer Santa

Time plays tricks with your mind. Over the last twelve months or so, ever since we watched a dodgy horror film about Krampus, I've been trying to remember this Nordic horror movie we saw that I was so impressed with I wanted to watch it again. Then I stumbled across Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, a Finnish film which was the movie I'd been trying to track down. There's this American company drilling into a mountain in Finland and they hit a vein of pure sawdust and then it's a race against time to plunder this underground for everything they can get before Christmas. It's at this point in the movie that you think something is building to crazy crescendo; reindeer die, strange things start happening, like all the kids disappear and all the while Onni Tommila - Pietari - thinks there's something odd going on involving Santa Claus. There is this bizarre build up with hundreds of bearded naked old men running wild in the Finnish snow fields and a giant something encased in ice and then something happens, all the naked men stop trying to kill everyone and that's about it. 75 minutes, at best. I was convinced we'd watched a version that had had all the action removed; maybe to confuse non-Nordic people into wondering what the fuck they'd just watched. The wife said, "Maybe that's why it stayed in your mind, because nothing happened and it was really shit?" 2/10

Och Aye the Noo, Old Chap

The Powell and Pressburger film I Know Where I'm Going made in 1945 and starring Roger Livesey and [Dame] Wendy Hiller is really of an age and utterly bonkers. Hiller plays Joan Webster, a selfish, gold-digging posh girl from London who is about to marry a rich man on his Scottish island, so she leaves on the overnight sleeper for the start of a journey to the Outer Hebrides. Along the way she meets Torquil MacNeil, a navy officer (and laird) also on his way to the same island and a host of interestingly accented Scots people - all of which sounding like the King, including the ones speaking Gaelic - in very un-Gaelic accents. Tha Torquil gu math dèidheil air Joan and because the weather is so bad she can't get over to marry her rich fiancée, so he does things to try and keep her amused, but she's a selfish bitch who only cares about herself, but he's smitten, so when she tries to kill them all instead of beating her senseless with someone's wooden leg, he decides to try and woo her instead and she's as accommodating as a porn star in her 51st movie. There's a good turn from Pamela Brown (pictured) as Torquil's mad (and questionable) female friend Catriona and John Laurie from Dad's Army has a role and also was the actual technical director for the ceilidh scenes. It was very much of its time and jolly strange, what, what. 5/10 

An American Mockumentary

For our Friday night movie entertainment, we decided to sit down and watch an extremely accurate depiction of what the USA is going to be like in probably a few weeks. Idiocracy is a film we have seen before, but as it has been almost 20 years, I wondered if it had stood the test of time or if it still felt like a stretch too far... On a tangent, it was interesting to see Luke Wilson - Owen's brother - in a film, meaning we've had a pair of Wilsons this week. It was also good to finally remember where we'd seen Maya Rudolph before, having seen her recently in whatever forgettable thing we'd seen her in. He plays a useless army grunt and she a slightly dense prostitute who are picked to take part in an experiment to keep them in suspended animation for one year, but they end up being in it for 500 years and when they wake up America is ruled by Jabba the Trump - a vile, slobbering semi-corpse... No, not that at all, but they wake up in a country so stupid it doesn't bother to wipe its own arse. It's mildly amusing but also quite disturbing, because it appears that the USA has not learned anything since this film's release. It has some sharp observational humour; many people acting stupid and a story that is essentially Wall-E with morons. It wasn't as cutting edge as I remembered it, but that might be because... you know... it's looking more like a documentary than a comedy. I'm surprised Trump never got a cursory mention. 6/10.

Blink and You Miss It

This week's thrilling mini-instalment of Murderbot featured a panic attack; a graphic operation to remove a neuro-fibre from Murderbot's back; a betrayal; a gory death scene and from what clues we got the beginning of a mystery that might include the company allowing our team of space hippies to study the planet they're on. It also puts the space hippies into a strange place as Murderbot saves their lives from the murderous Leebeebee only for them to be shocked at the way the sec unit does its job. There's a bunch of usual segues into the rubbish Murderbot watches for relaxation and the growing feeling that this is going to be a set-up series and it will end on a cliffhanger meaning a second season. It's not that this is a bad idea, but we've had about an hour and a half of this so far and I swear I could grow mould on my face quicker...

Reshuffle

As we hurtle towards the end of season four, this week's Welcome to Wrexham focuses on the changing times and faces at the football club. Former CEO Shaun takes on a new role as club ambassador - he could have gone anywhere but the feeling of family at this football team means he's staying to help with overseas development and taking the club forwards (as a brand). There's a look at the fading lights that have been Olly Palmer and Paul Mullin - both heroes for what they've achieved at the club, but now finding life tough as the team basically pulls away from them and their contribution wanes. Then there's a focus on Humphrey Ker, who used to be a director but now has a different role within the club and is running a marathon to raise money for one of the things he's now focused on. It also features the story of a 12 year old young man who is a huge fan of the team but is in hospital with a rare form of leukaemia. He has a bond with hero Paul Mullin, who has taken the boy under his wing and there is a scene where the Wrexham legend calls Ryan Reynolds up to have a chat with the kid - there isn't a dry eye in the house. It's at this point when you realise what the two Hollywood stars have done for this club and the city is beyond words. It also was nice to hear that as far as the management is concerned Paul Mullin's career at Wrexham is far from over, but whether that will be as a player or as a future coach remains to be seen. This is still the most enjoyable actual documentary on TV.

What's Up Next?

If there's still a planet left once Israel has finished with it, the coming week doesn't feel like it has a lot going on. A couple of shows reach their penultimate episodes and there's usually always something new that crops up. As usual, what you read about is what I've seen.