Modern Culture - Bourne in the USA

There are always spoilers in this blog... The following review is essentially almost all spoilers...

Complete and Utter Skrullshit

Secret Invasion concluded.

It was 29 minutes long. The finale of Marvel's big espionage alien invasion series was 29 fucking minutes long and it made no sense at all and was really shit. I mean really REALLY shit. I can't see them coming back from this now, the MCU is finished.

Really? I mean, do I really think that or am I just angry because we had a deus ex machina type conclusion that made some of the naffest comics ever written seem like Shakespeare to this rancid load of old shit. Giah is now about as powerful as... what? All of the Marvel heroes? She's at large on earth having ended the Skrull uprising; the President has declared war on alien races and Fury's wife has ditched her swarthy looks in favour of green with teeth and ears. Not even Liv Coleman could save this one.

Why did the Skrulls keep all their human doubles? Why didn't they simply kill them all off as and when they were taken over, why have them all in one place that you're going to nuke and no one would have known anyhow? How come none of them died in the radiation soaked bowels of an old reactor? Is Gravik actually as thick as the Super Skrull was originally written? Why was it lacking in jeopardy, interest or even fucking common sense? Why were the special effects so bad and why was the President of the USA stuck in a hospital that looked like the corridors of the BBC? I have said before - they couldn't even get the 'security' right and the people who wrote this watch POTUS on TV every week and are aware of just the visible presence of his entourage - how could they get it so wrong?

Dear God, I can't believe they thought they'd get away with this. There's a strike in the USA at the moment and writers and actors are worried about AI taking their jobs away from them. Well, maybe they need to start upping their games otherwise we're going to get to the stage where we actively WANT an Artificial Intelligence to write a TV series because it might actually be good.

It has to be said here, otherwise I'll end up conflating my opinions into a full-blown blog, which I'm not sure any of you want, but if you factor out the changes to schedules, reshoots, company reshuffles, criminal allegations against some stars, the writers' strike and all the other external bollocks that is tying Disney up, you have to start looking at the quality issues. There are still many people out there who are enjoying the journey and you could argue that everything has its detractors and people who are uninterested but feel the need to comment or troll are common place and it really boils down to whether people enjoy something or not - and if they do they don't want to hear from those who don't. It's almost a form of cognitive dissonance - they don't want to see dissenting voices because these people might spoil their enjoyment by pointing out flaws they hadn't or didn't want to see.

The problem with Marvel output - James Gunn's most recent inclusion is the exception to the rule - is it's been lacking... the sense of wonder and awe has gone; we've had the cosmic battle to end all battles; we've witnessed Iron Man die, Cap grow old and drop out and Natasha sacrificing herself for the good of everything - where the fuck do you go now? 

It stopped being looked at with rose-tinted glasses and people become more circumspect, critical and less forgiving. What we've witnessed is the MCU go from this cool idea to a grind show; a mincer churning out the minced up chunks of what was left. This problem won't stop with the Fantastic Four or the X-Men because the problem is the stories and the scripts and the execution. We've had the pinnacle anything bigger is overkill, everything not as big we've seen before. There is nothing super-heroically new under the sun. Even if you adapted some of the greatest comics stories of all time, they're not going to be better; even if you have fantastic characters and a good story, when you get to the finale it's going to be wham bam thank you ma'am and we'll see you in four months. 

It has to stop or it needs a very long hiatus. 

First Bourne

See? If you stretch your memory enough you'll remember a shedload of films that you've seen or heard about from donkeys years ago that have become so unfamiliar it's like watching a new film. I think we've only seen one of the Jason Bourne films, the other three will be as mysterious as The Bourne Identity was 21 years after first seeing it, oh and didn't Matt Damon look young?

I figure that with James Bond and Ethan Hunt floating about, the cinematic world thought, 'we need another action hero franchise and Matt Damon can pull it off!' The problem with this film is it might have had something to do with the lack of subtitles on the copy I watched or it might have been that I simply didn't really understand what was going on or being suggested. It is, or rather it looks and feels like a straight to video Xerox of the two previous action heroes despite it being quite a huge success.

Jason is fished out of the sea with a couple of bullets in him, he can't remember who he is or what he's doing but follows a series of interestingly contrived situations to discover he's a living weapon trained by the USA as a killing machine but his loss of memory - never really explained - forces him into thinking he's just a normal Joe. It's a film of its time - 2002 - and had less full on action sequences than you'd expect from a film of this ilk. I'm not sure I enjoyed it, which might explain my general ambivalence to the rest of the franchise - if that's warranted, we'll find out over the next week.

Bourne Again

Well, that was about as exciting as the first film but with more intense car chases. I'm struggling to see what the actual attraction is to these films; they're like those generic action films where the protagonist is a martial arts expert but no one knows. 

Damon isn't capable of carrying this kind of film, he's too... everyman. Obviously that's just my opinion and his box office takings suggest I'm wrong, but it's all a bit lower quality, if you know what I mean? The set pieces, the story, the ongoing plot that links the first two films, there's nothing in any of them that's compelling or even really worth following; it's almost like they don't have much and are trying to stretch it out to seem like more. The problem I have is it's like The Fugitive meets one of those Steven Seagal films from the 1990s but less fun. The Bourne Supremacy - what does that title mean? - follows on from the previous film by two years. Jason and Maria are living in Goa and their peaceful life is shattered when someone kills her and leaves Jason scrabbling for more answers. Interestingly, for me anyway, is that the [currently] almost ubiquitous Michelle Monaghan appears in this as an almost-non-speaking analyst. 

It's him trying to remember more about the life he's forgotten and piecing together who he works for, with and what kind of a threat they pose at the moment. If the first film felt a little 'unfinished' this one finishes it more, but for all the assassins and espionage, car chases and stunts, it simply doesn't feel like an A list film.

Bourne to be Wild

The third film in the franchise is The Bourne Ultimatum and by now I'm wondering just what relevance the titles have to the actual story and then you realise that all three Bourne films so far have been essentially the same film split into three parts (and why Ultimatum the title feels like it should precede Supremacy).

This is by far and away the best of the trilogy; it has a story that you can follow, it has enough action and intrigue to keep you interested and yet it still manages to end on a kind of cliffhanger, leaving things open for other films, which of course there were, but not exactly what you would expect.

What these films do a good job of pointing out is that the higher you are in the upper echelons of the CIA you are the more likely you are to be involved in some cover-up or covert project that you don't want anyone knowing about and the films continue to have that contrived feel that the baddies are all good guys gone rogue and if they had proper auditing systems everyone would be uncovered as dodgy.

I think what makes the Bourne films feel so B list is they're not movies like Mission Impossible or James Bond because there's a gritty realism to them that makes them feel like grubby documentaries rather than glossy feature films.

The Miracle of Satire is Dead Meat

"YOU HAVE TO WATCH The British Miracle Meat" screamed several headlines in various papers; it's British satire at its cutting edge best etc yadda yadda blah. So we did and while it was definitely satire this 21st century mockumentary adaptation of Soylent Green isn't big or clever or even funny. 

It is if you read some of the reviews; The Guardian's journalist - presumably didn't watch it and got a mate to fill him in with the basics - suggested that the big reveal doesn't come until half way through the show and that the real joke was in the final scenes when the tastiest cuts of them all are given an even bigger reveal as to where they come from, but, seriously, Wallace hands you the punchline in almost the first sentence and continues to talk about donors and being paid for their prime cuts.

If this is the state of British satire in 2023 then Chris Morris would be spinning in the grave he doesn't currently abide in at the thought this was in any way 'cutting edge' or even 'satire', well good satire. There were some fine digs at the current cost of living crisis and how poor people would be forced into situation to sell bits of themselves for money to pay energy bills, but it was just a bit too BBC One Show. It was satire for the TikTok generation with all the subtlety removed and replaced with a hammer to beat the viewers with and it wasn't funny, even with Greg at his bombastic loud self. Regardless of what you've heard or read it isn't funny, it's not original and I can imagine some Daily Mail readers taking it as true and venomously complaining to their MPs about it.

Jason: Re-Bourne

Yadda yadda yadda, it's just more of the same. It's time for Jason Bourne to resurface and have another pop at the CIA when he remembers more shit about the life he ran away from. This time he's discovering his father was involved in the project that created him, or was he? Could he have just been used as the camel that broke the straws back? Has our intrepid hero discovered even more bollocks about himself? Not only does big Jase B get his moves out again, another head of the CIA with an ego and a tendency to be narcissistic is also in place. I mean, I warned you about this; the heads of the CIA are all as dodgy as fuck. It's trademark JB and yet it could be written by an average low level AI with aspirations to be a calculator...

This literally was more of the same with better film quality; it even has the same song to end each film - Extreme Ways by Moby, which I've now heard four times in a week after never in 20 years; this is a film franchise that knows how to not deliver and with as many destructive car chases as possible. It's even left open for another sequel; let's hope the world burns before that happens.

Constanpated

If that's a tortuous title, it's apt for what turned out to be a rather tortuous film. Constantine is a bit of a cult film apparently, with a growing army of people who like it. We watched it for the first time in about 18 years and apart from the usual story of not remembering any of it, we were largely unimpressed with Keanu Reeves's mumblecore performance and the rather contrived and convoluted storyline.

As for special effects, well by 2005 they were coming into their own and this has some pretty impressive scenes - especially in hell - but also suffered from some rather less impressive effects at other points in the film's two hour run time. I suppose the movie just about captures the essence of Hellblazer, the DC comic it was based on, but Keanu isn't from the Northeast of England and, for me personally, Lucifer wasn't played by Tom Ellis. It had a lot of stars in it - Rachel Weiss, Tilda Swinton, Shia LaBeouf, Djimon Hounsou and an uncredited appearance by Michelle (Ethan Hunt's wife) Monaghan and literally all of them were wasted in this.

Some Mexican discovers the Spear of Destiny and proceeds to move across Mexico and the USA - you never know what becomes of him because the next time it appears is being wielded by Swinton's Gabriel who is trying to force the birth of Lucifer's son onto the mortal plain. Possibly the reason we struggled to really feel anything for this film is because it's simply not very good; it's incredibly overwrought and Keanu, bless him, has never really been an actor. 

Doomed Patrol?

If anyone has been wondering what's happened to the last half of the final season of Doom Patrol you're not the only one. It's now been six months since the show ended its first half and it's sounding increasingly likely that the rug might have pulled.

James Gunn has said on social media that he wants the final parts to be shown but HBO Max don't seen keen so it might be a case of trying to find a new network to show the last seven parts. Frankly, given how the show has flip-flopped all over the place and the quality has diminished completely, if it never finds a new home it might not be a bad thing.

Fast-phrases

Three years ago the Fast Show team reunited for a UK Gold special Just a Load of Blooming Catchphrases and I still can't understand why it was commissioned by the now defunct TV station and not the BBC who was the original broadcaster and who had such success with what is probably the last great ensemble sketch show.

It has taken me over three years to track down this 'documentary' and as it's 90 minutes long it's anything but fast, but it is extremely entertaining and informative. The tribute focuses on Paul Whitehouse and Charlie Higson because they were the driving forces behind this madcap sketch show, but there's a huge amount of contributions from Mark Williams, Simon Day, Arabella Weir, John Thomson and Colin McFarlane, as well as views and opinions from the likes of Bob Mortimer, who was the inspiration for a lot of the sketches, Harry Enfield, who was probably responsible for the show happening and Rhys Thomas - sometime Swiss Toni foil and the man responsible for the legendary Brian Pern. 

Obviously an amount of time was spent on the death of Caroline Aherne and it was clear the rest of the cast were still deeply affected by this loss, but also the man who greenlit the show, Geoffrey Perkins who also died young. It was great seeing clips from the show and the characters updated for 2020 in a series of talking head interviews but in many ways the best one (apart from Rowley Birkin) was 'Roy', John Thomson's put upon husband of Aherne's Renee - it was a minute of sad, contemplative silence.

Windbreakers

We needed something less Bourney and a little more interesting than the MCU so we opted for a 2009 horror/thriller called Daybreakers, a film which we had seen before but decided to give it another go especially as it's gained something of a cult following, over a decade after it was released.

Ethan Hawke plays a vampire who won't drink human blood in a world where a virus has transformed a large percentage of people into vampires, who then turn the majority of the rest of the humans into vampires creating a situation where there aren't enough humans to feed the population so a substitute is needed to feed the masses because they've started feeding on each other and that means proper vampire mutations, wings and a Nosferatu look that isn't at all 21st Century.

Willem Dafoe plays a man who was once a vampire but is turned back into a human by a freak of sunlight and a large lake of water. He wants to replicate the thing that turned him back and as implausible as the premise is, it kind of works in spectacular fashion. This is a film with a lot of blood in it, most of it innocent until the cure takes a wicked twist as former vampires now hold the key in their own blood, creating an almost karmic denouement.

It's not a bad film; 90 minutes of intense action and slightly shonky dialogue, but considerably better thought out than say anything Marvel has done in recent years and while Ethan Hawke is an actor who is sometimes difficult to like, he does a good job as the bewildered hero while the vampire world around him begins to crumble.

Men on Fire

I'm not quite sure why Tony Scott's 2004 revenge thriller is called Man on Fire unless it's because of the number of people Denzel Washington - aka Creasey - sets on fire during the film. It is, however, an exceedingly entertaining revenge thriller only spoilt by Ridley's brother's propensity for going all arty-farty and avant-garde with the camerawork. Creasey's employed to protect the daughter of a rich Mexican but she ends up becoming his little mate.

Dakota Fanning is the little girl who steals suicidal alcoholic Denzel's heart and when she's kidnapped and he's left for dead his world becomes polarised and his time is limited. He's going to get anyone connected with the girl's kidnapping and her subsequent death and it's going to be messy. Christopher Walken tells the cop involved in the case that Creasey's art form is death and he's about to paint his masterpiece.

It's a really good film and I'm surprised we hadn't watched it sooner and the only thing that let it down for us is about a fifth of film's dialogue is in Spanish and I had a copy that had Italian subtitles hardcoded into it, so it was a case of literally trying to work out what they were saying and neither of us have much of either language apart from some foodstuffs. It was still a good way to end a largely dull week's worth of TV, even if the ending is both happy and tragic in equal measure.

Next Time...

Some stuff, but nothing from Marvel until at least October, so we can all be thankful for that. I've got the second season of Good Omens to watch, but I can't remember if we enjoyed the first series or not, it seems so long ago now. We have a couple of other 'recommended' series we might try. There's a few things of the Flash Drive of Doom to plough through and you never know something interesting might drop...

Pop Culture: Impossible Missions

Don't forget the spoilers because there will be some... 

Impossible 2

For the want of a more inventive subtitle, we began our Cruise marathon with the second Mission Impossible film. This is the John Woo one and while it is probably most famous for Tom's free climbing at the beginning of the film, there's not much else in it that is memorable.

However, before I get into this a word of explanation. We're not bothering with Mission Impossible the first film. We've seen it several times and I actually remember it; when I reminded the wife, she remembered it too. It is a much better film than II but that wouldn't be difficult...

It's strange movie - quite a milestone really, because Dougray Scott turned down the role of Wolverine in the X-Men film to star as the villain in this and frankly I think the Scot missed the opportunity to probably become as big as Huge Ackman. He's suitably bonkers in this film showing extremely well how he might have made the slightly feral mutant his own. Instead he's reduced to the nutty villain role in Woo's overwrought and overplayed action thriller.

That's the film's problem; it's full of bad dialogue, slightly implausible set ups and enormous stretches of one's belief. In fact, this movie almost killed the entire franchise. It bombed at the box office; critics hated it and the film had almost 45 minutes cut from the original length, because Woo's first version was almost three hours long. This might explain why there are some huge plot holes and jumps in narrative or scenes that didn't sit right.

The plot is almost topical; a biochemical company creates a deadly 'flu' virus that kills inside 31 hours and this is stolen by a former IMF operative - Scott - who is basically after a load of money and will go to great lengths to get it. From this moment on the movie is essentially about choreographing as many action scenes as possible. There's less gadgetry and hi tech ideas than the first film despite it looking and sounding like it's cutting edge and modern; in fact it's very much a hall of mirrors with not much happening for over two hours until you get the dreadfully paced finale where Cruise and Scott dance their way into the final confrontation. 

Looking at John Woo's filmography, it's pretty obvious that this was his Hollywood swan song, his final big movie because after this he has done nothing of note and mainly is back in China making films there. That's probably because Mission Impossible II is quite dreadful, cost a huge amount of money and needed serious (bad) doctoring to make it to the cinemas. Next up III.

III is the Magic Number

Everything that is bad about Mission Impossible II is rectified in III. It is a tight and taut thriller that is, in many ways, a remake of II even down to the super intelligent psychopath determined to have Ethan Hunt's head, but surely all these films or James Bond films (I'm not sure I haven't ever watched one all the way through, well maybe Dr No but I couldn't tell you anything about it) are essentially the same meat with a different gravy, or is that a different meat with the same gravy - you decide.

III has an unusual beginning; it's like JJ Abrams - the director - wants to recreate that TV series feel by having a snippet of a later scene just to let you know where you're going to end up. There's a weird feeling about it because it leaves you slightly disconcerted, like you might have missed something. Was there a Mission Impossible 2½ that no one told me about? Then it's back to the beginning as Ethan appears to be acting like a completely normal guy at his engagement party.

From that point on it's simply a rollercoaster of a ride with action sequences that make John Woo's rather flowery balletic scenes pale into insignificance; I mean, it's only been six years since II technology hadn't changed that much.

You'd know, even if you didn't see it coming, that Billy Crudup is probably going to be the bad guy because he usually is, but the real bad guy is Philip Seymour Hoffman (RIP) who really plays the nasty bastard psycho extremely well, even better than Dougray Scott in II and he had psycho-chops on him. It's a good film but it's also formulaic because that is what the Impossible Mission Force is all about even if they go about it in a protracted way with the usual red herrings and dead ends you'd expect. This is the film that not only saved the franchise, but set it up for bigger and better things, which will be explored in...

The Ghost Proctologist 

Brad Bird, who directed the best superhero film of all time, took the helm of the fourth instalment Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and despite following arguably more illustrious directors made the fourth part the best one so far.

It should be noted that we don't think we've ever seen this before. Usually most films ring some bells with us although not always, but this one, apart from the Burj Kalifa section - which, of course, was all over the TV back in 2011 because Cruise does his own stunts, was completely new to us. I think we probably thought we'd watched it so never bothered watching it.

Obviously it's an action espionage thriller but this one traded complex action sequences for constant tension - I don't think I've seen a film that ramps up the tension so much and that's even when you know the good guys are going to win. It felt like the entire film was on a knife edge and the weird thing was everything about it slotted together at the end in a way that felt clever rather than contrived. It also explained what happened to Ethan's wife, but didn't feature Ving Rhames until the very end, which was a shame as Luther is a good character.

This also had the most subdued villain so far in Michael Nyquist - a scientist who believes that by bringing an end to the human race the planet has a future, but he's not an eco-terrorist and he's surprisingly capable in a fight, despite never being portrayed as someone who could do anything but fight his way out of a paper bag. The moving car park scenes were crazy good but also just a little unbelievable with added humour. However, I'm not quite finished with this film's review...

A (Very) Quick Interlude

I find myself in a strange situation. We had the night off from our week of Mission Impossible films to watch a film that has been torn to shred by film critics and that we both went into fearing the worst. So imagine our surprise when we watched the second superhero film in a week that we really liked!

I'm talking about The Flash. It is an absolutely wonderful film full of laughter, tragedy and time travel wonkiness - I loved it. I thought Ezra Miller was fabulous and played the two Barry Allens to perfection. Michael Keaton reprising his role as Batman was also quite brilliant, in fact I couldn't find much wrong with it at all; I don't know what all the negative fuss is about. It was the Flash film I really wanted it to be and it's just a shame we're probably not going to see this version ever again.

A quick aside, you might notice near the beginning, when Barry steals a man's hotdog just as he was about to bite into it. The man with the missing wiener is none other than Game of Thrones' Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, but he's uncredited, so this might be a useful pub quiz answer in the years to come.

As I said, it's essentially a time travel film but unlike others this one grabs it by the scruff of the neck  and essentially reinvents the multiverse - literally - and gives us a satisfying, if slightly [deliberately] confusing conclusion. It's a cracking film, worth the 2½ hours and probably only let down by a really poor post-credit scene that doesn't really add anything. I also thought it was a different type of superhero film handled in a clever way and without unnecessary super shenanigans. Watch it with an open mind and you'll really like it. It's got too much CGI but arguably you can't do The Flash without it, it's a fun film with a heart and real love. 

Brogue Nation

There's this thing about the MI films; it's predominantly about villains. We had a couple of feral psychos in Dougray Scott and Philip Seymour Hoffman and then it went completely volte face with Michael Nyquist's Eco-Peacenik-nutter who thought that by destroying the planet he was going to save it. In fact, the only thing about Ghost Protocol that sat wrongly with me was Nyquist's fight with Ethan Hunt towards the end of the film; the guy was a nerd, Ethan should have taken him out in seconds.

That brings us nicely to Solomon Lane, played by Sean Harris, an erudite but slightly bonkers rogue agent of MI5 who has assembled his own anti-IMF and has a double agent working alongside him in the form of Ilsa Faust - possibly the most Bondian stupid name to ever grace a British spy - who herself has gone a bit rogue because she's acting as Ethan's unofficial guardian angel.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation isn't as good as the film before it, but that might be down to there being too much in it to do it proper justice. We never really learn enough about Ilsa or Solomon or even Alec Baldwin's head of the CIA to really care about them when the story gets going, but the idea of Ethan going up against an ex-MI5 agent who is as resourceful and conveniently linked as he is makes an entertaining watch even if it felt far more contrived than any previous film. Almost like it acted as a huge set up for things to come - which, of course, it was.

McQuarrie doesn't do a bad job in directing the film, but it seemed to lack in action and was replaced by actual espionage stuff, which naturally made the film feel slower and less urgent, especially when you see that Lane is really just a Hans Gruber type and in it for the money as well as any ideological reason. Of the five films watched so far, I'd place it firmly in middle with a couple that are better and a couple that are worse

Cruise Hair Fallout

The sixth film in the franchise very much wraps things up, with nods back to the earlier films including some free climbing, running across rooftops and a spectacular motorbike chase through the streets of Paris. Mission Impossible: Fallout is full on and very confusing if you didn't watch the previous film. Lots of people come back for a second go, some of them don't make it to the end, especially secretaries of IMF and one of the team was too busy fighting Thanos in Endgame.

Is it a good film? Well, it is relentless, but while Chris McQuarrie has done an adequate job of directing these last two films, it's lacking the soul that Brad Bird injected into Ghost Protocol, which I think is the best in the franchise. More globetrotting and lots more fights, explosions and improbable situations - parts were like Star Wars meets Superman, but that might have something to do with good old wooden Henry Cavill, who doesn't play a good American and was obviously the villain from almost the moment he first appears.

The disavowed and the going rogue angles are growing tiresome and a bit boring, especially when everything is great and back to normal by the end - that part of the formula doesn't work. The team are all getting old so I expect Dead Reckoning Parts 1 & 2 will be geriatrics on Zimmer frames with guns...

Penultimate Secrets

Oh for the love of something, how can Marvel/Disney justify this pile of shite? Another 30 minute episode of half-arsed bollocks that fails to hit the spot in almost every single way. With the exception of Liv Coleman as Sonya Falsworth this series has been a monumental misfire. 

Usually penultimate episodes tread water, tie up some plot threads and generally preamble around setting the scene for the finale; the problem with Secret Invasion is almost fuck all has happened in the five episodes so far so having a preamble in the fifth section seems a wee bit self-indulgent. Does Disney read the reviews of their products? If they do they'll know that this failed to hit the mark on so many levels.

Gravik's rebellion is going tits up - his army of loyal Skrulls no longer seem very loyal as they get wasted by their leader for showing doubts about Gravik's slightly ludicrous plan to take over the planet via nuclear war. He appears to be on his own now, which is a massive shift from just two episodes ago. Emilia Clarke continues to bimble about with no real purpose and Fury seems a wee bit pointless in his own series. Only Coleman does anything and her scenes are mainly brilliant and make you wonder why they didn't make it about her? 

It's going to take something special to elevate this above being literally one of the worst Marvel TV series so far. If you thought She Hulk was bad or Moon Knight was pointless wank, then if you haven't seen this you're going to start wondering if Disney+ is in a race to the bottom.

Disconnected

Only Connect is back and Vicky Coren-Mitchell is almost 50 years old. This is the first time she's started to look her age and my late-life crush on her disappeared faster than a spent erection...

Rubbish Squared

We've never watched Cube a sci-fi horror film from 1997 with Nicole (DS9) Boer and David (Stargate) Hewlett about six random individuals trapped in a series of interlocking cubes, some are booby trapped while others are safe. I now know why we never watched it.

It's a Canadian film and let that put you off, because for all the inventiveness the idea of the film has it's a really poorly acted, extremely shouty film. In fact, it's like shouting was the only option left to the actors when being wigged out grew boring. It's an odd movie because it essentially offers no explanation or reason for the cubes-within-a-cube's existence, apart from the fact that Hewlett's character was paid to construct the outer shell - so why he's in the boxes is a bit of a mystery.

It's a kind of prototype to torture porn films like Saw; put people in impossible situations and see how far and extreme they'll go to get out of it. It's a really interesting and inventive idea, but that's about all it has going for it; it's like a one act play divided into different colours (and that might sound strange, but essentially the entire film was made in one box just the colours changed) and it's really quite dreadful, despite its 7.1 rating on IMDB. We recorded it off Film4 as it was on in the middle of the night and I thought it might waste an hour and a half - it did but not in the positive way I hoped...

Trailer Tease Time

Marvels trailer landed this week and I'm suitably underwhelmed by it. It didn't tell me anything really; there's a new Kree villain - played by Zawe Ashton (Tom Hiddlestone's fiancée) - and a bit of Nick Fury and a couple of characters from Marvel TV shows, the cat that's an alien and some fights. There is absolutely nothing in the trailer that says WATCH ME. Obviously I will and who knows I might be pleasantly surprised. I won't hold my breath. 

Next Time

It might be time for a Jason Bourne marathon. I replenished the Flash Drive of Doom with a bunch of films we actually haven't seen, such as Sicario and Man on Fire and there's the finale of Secret Invasion which needs to pull out ALL the stops to stop it from being Marvel's worst TV show so far - and that's really not an easy bar to lower.

Modern Culture - Summer of Gloves

This will have some spoilers in it - probably most of these spoilers will apply to old films, but I give away massive plot points in the first review - directly below this. I do it not to spoil your enjoyment, but more to save you wasting your time on a load of wank ...

Minimal Secrecy 

You have got to be kidding me? A 31 minute episode? 

31 fucking minutes? 

At least something happened, but I think my patience is beginning to wear thin. In the wake of really enjoying the Guardians* film, I went into this thinking at least the last three parts of this dreary fucking slog might find its mojo and something might happen; instead we got a resurrection, a not so big reveal (which everyone knew before it was revealed), another possible death/red herring and an attempt on the President by the Skrulls - all very 'exciting' in a pedestrian, geriatric way with about as much intrigue as a two piece jigsaw.

The bulk of the special effects appear to have gone on de-aging Nick Fury and his Skrull wife (for flashbacks), although we did have Gravik show his octopus arms (which in the comic would have been Reed Richards' stretching ability) and Ben Mendelsohn turn back into a Skrull as he (maybe) dies.

This is just a shit show - both in terms of enjoyment and in terms of a logical plot. This is made by Americans! Don't they ever watch the HUGE entourage of SPADS, military and civilian enforcers that follow a US President wherever he goes? Are they not aware that not even a fucking drone could get within a mile of a Presidential cavalcade let alone an army of Skrulls in helicopters, packing missiles and rocket launchers? 

Oh and if Rhodey is a Skrull, where is the original Rhodey? Don Cheadle has signed on to star in Armor Wars sometime in 2026, so presumably the real Rhodey is being held hostage by the Skrulls otherwise... Maybe Maria Hill isn't really dead? Plus, considering he was well and truly fucked up  and needed an exo-skeleton to walk a few years ago, he seems to get around well enough with no one noticing. At what point did the Skrulls nick his identity and did they do their research? Yes, this is a shit show full of plot holes.

Maybe this has been a Fury plot right from the start, goading people into all kinds of assumptions before bouncing back as the Nick Fury everyone remembers. I mean, that's what I'd do instead of this turgid load of rat shit they're pumping out as prime Disney fayre. At the moment it's doing a really good job of driving a spike through the heart of the MCU's television produce; which has already been reduced to two series a year; this is so crap that it might spell the end of a lot of things and I kind of hope it does.

*Ever since the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 trailer came out I was desperately hoping for a good film, especially as I'm not a fan of the franchise, but something needed to drag Marvel out of its doldrums. It's now been nearly a week and I can't emphasise enough what a fucking brilliant film GotGv3 is. It has everything; absolutely everything (apart from the death of a major character) and I cannot get over how much the film has stuck with me all week. 

Bad Vampire

It's been a few years since we watched 30 Days of Night, but as the content on the Flash Drive of Doom has got to the point where we need to be drunk to even contemplate some of the stuff on there, or the wife has zero interest in watching, we decided to give it another airing and, yet again, we were surprised at how much we didn't remember. This may come as a shock, but I can almost understand why some of you will see a film twice inside a couple of weeks and then again a few months later. I think we forget how much we forget.

As an example and I'm sure I've used this analogy just recently, I asked the wife to tell me what Quantumania is about and she was struggling to be anything more precise than vague. However, that's by the by, because this adaptation of a Steve Niles comic from the early 2000s is the kind of film where you'll not remember some things because there's so much going on considering it's spread out over 30 days. The vampires are led by the menacing Danny Huston (son of film director John) and his band of ravenous and merciless bloodsuckers who take prime advantage of the unique darkness the town experiences - the 30 days of night in the middle of winter.

Except, just to throw a spanner in the works, Barrow, where the film is set, or Utqiagvik, as it is known more commonly and in Inuit, does not suffer 30 days of perpetual night, it suffers from 66 days of Polar Night, with six hours of civil twilight decreasing to three hours in December - it doesn't actually get dark during these hours, it's like it's 10.30 at night in parts of Scotland during the summer. So technically the title of the film is a misnomer and so is the idea that they're entombed in darkness for so long, but hey, they have to make a film and this one is a nasty, violent and ultimately tragic story. It is a cracking film and if you've never seen it and like a good vampire film then look no further.

Control Freak

Inside the last six months I have discovered that one of the wife's and my heroes was a bit of a bigoted racist and regardless of his wonderful surreal humour, watching old Spike Milligan programmes is a bit embarrassing and awkward.

This week I finally got to see the 2005 film The Life and Death of Peter Sellers with Geoffrey Rush, Charlize Theron and a host of other well known British and American actors. Sellers was a hero of my dad's and all three of his sons were brought up on a diet of the Goon Show and his films. I knew that he suffered from some mental health issues - that became clear when we watched the Milligan documentary earlier this year - but I thought he was like his old friend Spike and suffered from being bi-polar. It seems that while Spike's problems were obvious, Peter's were extremely complex and he never looked for any help - whereas Milligan often did.

What this biopic does, in no uncertain terms, is spell out what an egotistical monster the man was. How, mainly because of his mother, he became so self-obsessed and detached from real life that even by the early 1960s it was clear the only thing he really loved was himself and that was balanced with a healthy dose of hating himself. Sellers was a control freak, self-absorbed and treated almost everyone else in his life - including his children - like they were lowly scum. It seems that only Harry Secombe and Spike could take him to a place where he could be a human being.

The film was quite stunning, with fabulous recreations of his greatest cinematic moments, but it was also tragic, shocking and paints the kind of picture of a man who would never have been as popular if he'd been born 50 years later, even if he was a comic genius, because if such a monstrous man was let loose in entertainment now there'd be more scandal than the most scandalous could manage.

A lot was overlooked and much of the controversy in his later life got brushed over (apparently because of legal wrangles that disappeared when his 4th wife died), but Rush was extraordinary as Sellers and while it was a great film it was in no way a celebration of the life of a genius; more of a look at the life of an 8-year-old who never grew up.

Extraordinarily Dull

This might seem like TV barrel scraping, but we've been fans of Sandi Toksvig's Extraordinary Escapes since it first began a few years ago. Essentially the QI presenter takes a girl friend to a fabulous set of country retreats where they bond, chat and get to know where they are. It's a sort of all girl version of Mortimer and Whitehouse's fishing shenanigans but without the fishing (although that has happened in previous series and happens again in this one)

This third series kicked off with Eddie 'Suzie' Izzard joining our convivial host in the south of Ireland, followed it up with Judi Love in the Lake District, with the third episode set in Wales with Roisin Conaty. We opted to miss the fourth part with Rosy Jones because neither of us have any fondness for the disabled comedian, finding her difficult to understand and not particularly funny given most of her jokes are about women she fancies; while it concludes with the marvellous Doon MacKichan.

It has to be said that it has become really dull TV despite the fabulousness of the houses Sandi takes her friends to. Once you've had a couple of seasons of Toksvig asking her mates (old or new) the same boring questions and they go through the usual rigmarole of deciding bedrooms and cooking half-sized meals minus vegetables or other accompaniments, or try some local craft or something historically 'interesting' it actually becomes really boring. They always appear to go in the autumn so the weather is often unpleasant or cold and while we absolutely love watching travelogues and UK countryside programmes, this lost its sheen quickly with this third series 

Plus ça Change

Bridget Christie's All4 comedy series The Change is unusual, probably unique and undoubtedly an interesting idea. There's an element of over-exaggeration but I suppose it has to be there otherwise you wouldn't have a comedy show about the "female equivalent of a midlife crisis".

Linda has just turned 50 and has done everything, including invite the guests, at her surprise party dominated by her husband - Omid Djalili - who is getting all the credit. At the party, Linda tries to talk to her own sister who gets bored halfway through and wanders off and her kids are so uninterested they bailed out as quickly as possible because their mum is the loudest swallower in the world! Plus, she's just hit the menopause and everything has gone hormone crazy.

So she brushes off her old Triumph motorcycle and heads off to the Forest of Dean to try and locate a time capsule she placed in a tree about 40 years earlier. It's funny, but also acerbic and cruel; there's an element of confusion about it probably to highlight what all women go through at some point with the hormones in their body and the way it turns against them.

It's an unusual comedy, full of surreal moments and bonkers characters - none of which sound remotely like they're from the Forest of Dean (and a bit too much emphasis on Gloucestershire when the predominant accent there is a mix between West Midlands and East Wales) - and they're made up of predominantly women of a certain age and the rage and confusion they carry.  It's at times an awkward watch, despite being easy on the eye. 

Flamin' Eck

Out of the blue, we took a gamble on a film called Flamin' Hot - the story of how super hot and spicy Doritos were invented in a Mexican-dominated production plant in California and the story of the man who had the balls to challenge the white corporate structure of the USA and become a Mexican hero.

It's a feel good story that focuses on something I don't see very often, the racist side of the USA towards Hispanics. It's usually always about black discrimination, but in many ways Mexicans were treated even worse and the USA's insatiable appetite for being racist has never been more clearly spelt out. It's not the best film in the world, but it has a heart and tells a story that probably needs to be told - other nationalities are as good as the USA, maybe better because they have the ability to embrace multiculturalism.

Probably the best known person in the film is Dennis Haysbert, who is instrumental in the rise of Jesse Garcia's Richard, a reformed criminal with a penchant for innovation. It was directed by Eva Longoria and just made me feel good after watching it. Tony Shalhoub is excellent as the head of Pepsi who is sold on his janitor's ideas.

All Pain No Gain

We finally got around to watching Adam Kay's horrific NHS dramedy This is Going to Hurt and what makes it even more horrible is that the first episode is set in 2006 when Dr Adam Kay is acting up as a registrar in his hospital while trying to survive on hardly any food and about four hours of sleep a week. Imagine what his life would be like now after 13 years of Tory destruction and a pandemic?

This should be mandatory television for EVERYBODY. This was the NHS in 2006 and it hasn't got any better; it's probably got worse. It is horrendous television, but comical in a nasty way, but without being deliberately nasty. Literally everybody in this show is tired, irritable and horrid and it's not their faults.

Obviously it's autobiographical, but it's also incredibly balanced and there's literally no holds barred. For someone as squeamish as I am, I watched through my fingers a couple of times - because there was just so much blood. Explicit isn't a word you associate with BBC dramas, but this has almost everything in it and Ben Whishaw is his usual brilliant self playing the harassed doctor turned writer, but in many ways it's Ambika Mod as Shruti who steals the show as the junior doctor on a tragic trajectory..

Trailer Corner

The final Blue Beetle trailer dropped this week and... it's Spider-Man mashed up with Iron Man. I said it before and this latest slew of clips just confirms it even more. DC has thought: Iron Man worked. Spider-Man worked. If we at the DCEU had a mixture of both and enough humour and pathos it will work to. Yes?

Maybe. But, you know, man in super suit ends up fighting guy in slightly better super suit and has to use his ingenuity and family ties to beat him and save the world. It sounds pretty much like a variation a well trodden theme. This could be a fun film but it needs to do something extraordinary not to seem like just another derivative.

In other general Hollywood news: the writers strike has escalated into the writers and actors strike, so remember - in about a year's time there'll be fuck all on TV or at the cinema for about twice as long as this strike continues. It will be like Covid without the illness.

George Clarke's Over Budget Wankers?

I've mentioned genial Geordie George Clarke before in my columns; he's a bit of a guilty 'passion' but more so for the wife now than me as I only watch his programmes to see how many times he can say 'amazing' and how much over budget the people he has on the show go.

I am firmly of the opinion that half of the guests on this show don't really want George's architectural expertise they just want to be on the telly. The other half want to get a gallon into a half pint glass: "Oh we want a house that twice the size and really nicely decorated. We have £600 and possibly more if we sell one of the children's kidneys." Except if they actually said that I might be inclined to pay more attention to the show.

This isn't Clarke's actual Amazing Spaces show, just one of many he has with his name attached that requires suspending some belief. People renovating, improving or repurposing houses, flats etc is a popular thing, but it's also becoming increasingly elitist and that is often reflected in the people George is trying to help. I want to see Geordie George do a programme where he's helping people with fuck all budget turn their hovel into something that looks like a house or flat without going over budget or paying the overspend himself because he fucked up with his quotes.

Next Time...

Before anything else, why the title? Summer of Gloves? Was I stuck? No, in fact, almost all of the things listed have had a glove or gloves involved somewhere along the way, from Bridget Christie's motorcycle gloves to Ben Whishaw's surgical ones to the ones all the humans had to wear in the vampire in the dead of winter film, there's an awful lot of hand coverings...

Anyhow, what's next? Secret Invasion needs to continue the upward improvement trend otherwise it's as dead in the water as initial viewing figures are suggesting. It seems in some cases the MCU 'spy' thriller is the least interesting of this week's reviews and anything else that is watched or comes on TV is going to be more preferable. We're considering watching the bulk of the Mission Impossible films again, because, you know, memory; however we're likely to miss the first couple as we've seen them recently. As for anything else? Who can say?

Film Review: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3

There is a spoiler in the first paragraph, although it won't really spoil it for you...

It is a known fact that I'm not a fan of the first two films and that I really don't rate Vol 2 very highly at all, so my expectations were always going to be low going in to this and when I discovered no one dies I sort of got a little annoyed. I don't know why, I just thought we might get some actual on screen MCU death - but I knew before I watched it that doesn't happen, so...

Fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

What a cracking film GotG3 is. It's probably the best of the three, but it's probably not the most enjoyable, because this is a bowing out a little too much heart and a story that will make you very angry. I have to admit to feeling very concerned when I found out about one of the main themes of the film, because I felt that it was most definitely not the subject for a superhero film that has many younger followers.

However, let's get some things out of the way first before we get on to the plot. The High Evolutionary is a proper villain. Forget all this Kang the Wankeror nonsense, here's a villain who isn't interested in destroying half the universe or taking control of it, he's interested in being God and creating the perfect lifeforms even if that means destroying everything that went before. He is also responsible for Rocket, but our plucky little racoon is something of a freak and does things the other 'experiments' don't do; he thinks outside the box and he comes to conclusions his creator couldn't, which makes Rocket both expendable and extremely important - well his brain anyhow.

There's a lot of shouting in this film, a lot of confrontational episodes and a lot of love, because this is a family now, not just a team and it's hurting because while Gamora is still alive she isn't the same one Quill is so blindly in love with. There are some excellent scenes in this film with Nebula - the stunning Karen Gillan is finally given some soul and she's very much a standout character in this Guardians line-up. Dave Bautista's Drax almost steals the show with some excellent scenes and Groot said something other than I (or We) Are Groot! And when he does you'll well up, I promise you.

That's the thing, there's a lot of possible tears in this finale. It's just a really good film wrapped up in a really nasty idea that doesn't really pull its punches and proves categorically that whatever you see in trailers is guaranteed to be obfuscation, deceit and pitched to lead your thoughts astray. It does have some moments when it treads water a little, but it starts fast and doesn't really let up even when it slows down. It has an almost satisfying conclusion and watching the team hand the High Ev his arse on a plate near the end was fucking fantastic; it's what you want to happen to every bastard villain. 

It is the best and most enjoyable Marvel film I've seen since probably Infinity War and James Gunn is a huge loss for the MCU and possibly the best thing that can happen to the DCEU. I hate admitting it but, it's out there now, no going back.

So, there you have it, despite being adamant that I was not going to like Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3, I ended up loving it. It's very sad, it's incredibly loving, it has some really funny moments and some unbelievably touching ones. The scenes with Rocket, Lyla, Floor and Teefs are heartbreaking and the only thing that spoiled it for me was [spoiler warning, but you knew the Guardians would win even if you haven't seen it] they didn't terminate the High Evolutionary as painfully and slowly as possible (but you do get to see the mess Rocket made of the cunt's face*).

*Peter Quill says 'fucking' in a MCU film; it's almost unnecessary. I've never used the C word in a Marvel review, I think it is very very necessary. 

Don't be put off by it being a Marvel film; it's the third part of almost standalone trilogy that has its own audience who are not necessarily interested or invested in other MCU films. If you've seen the first two, this is well worth dipping into again as it's the best of the three, by a country mile. If you haven't and have no interest in this, no great loss, maybe apart from your own.

This hasn't changed how I feel about the MCU, but it has changed how I feel about the Guardians of the Galaxy.

9/10

 

Pop Culture - Legends and Leg Ends

Yadda yadda yadda spoilers spoilers spoilers

Secret Inflammation

Why is Marvel's flagship TV series on in the summer? This is a question that bothers me, because if you look at the TV schedules at the moment, we're in the graveyard shift - these two months of the year are usually full of repeats, sporting events and summery shite like festivals etc. So how come Marvel/Disney thought it would be the best time to air this show? Maybe it's because it's not as good as they were hoping for?

We've hit the halfway stage in what has become a bit of a slog for something that promised so much. It's just not that tense; there's little feeling of jeopardy and an almost comical inaccuracy about so much of it - from using North London as Moscow to needing a bit of an encyclopaedic knowledge of the backstory otherwise you're a bit lost. Plus the fact that Gravik is a woeful villain with no menace, a dodgy accent and an ideology that I don't believe would have been accepted by so many Skrulls, especially considering in the MCU the Skrulls - or at least most of them - were portrayed as honourable, beaten and desperate. I don't believe the world treated them badly and there's little reasoning or much plausible history for this 'invasion' and annihilation plan. We get superficial explanations, dead ends and red herrings and I suppose if you're the kind of person who will watch each episode two or three times to see if you missed anything then you would defend it, but to the casual viewer (and not just me), it's not very exciting, interesting or logical - and you know me and internal logic. 

It's just a bit meh, like so many other MCU TV series. This feels like when you get the chance to go and see some legendary band and when you get there the only original member is the drummer. 

... And I would have stopped there, especially as I have more MCU news a bit further on, but I need to say, even if its only read by a hundred people, that I feel the MCU has lost the phase four plot they had trouble explaining in the first place. The decision to throw a lot of stuff at the wall and see what sticks has massively backfired and not just for Marvel. When the people you expect to make top quality superhero films start making average, nonsensical, fan-boy wank it has a knock-on effect all through this genre's industry and even moving Deadpool 3 up the schedules doesn't make the next two years look particularly exciting or inspiring, never mind adding some awe to it. 

The problems I foresee with the next Ryan Reynolds film will involve watershed moments. Will Disney allow an R rated film because usually a Deadpool film has to be R rated because of the violence, language, intent, sexual images and hardcore perversion. The maker's dilemma with this film is to avoid making it as bloated as 2 and as tight as the first movie. With Wolverine in it, it feels like a desperate measure, which normally would be pointed out in the movie, whether that will be allowed...

Early rumours suggest there will be appearances from many existing superheroes and that there's a Zelig feel about the film as Wade and Logan go spinning through the multiverse and end up 'here' at various points in Marvel history.

Tricks With My Mind

As stated in a couple of recent blogs, I've been doing this specific type of blog on and off for about 15 years and on Facebook recently, one of my memories was a blog from 2011 - the 42nd of the year apparently - where I'm reviewing a Ti West film called The Innkeepers.

This film now has a 5.5 rating on IMDB, the lowest rated Ti West feature film on the site. However, this is what I said about it 12 years ago:

It's a cracking little horror film that feels far more like a slacker indie movie and keeps you guessing right up to the last scene. It's the second film in the last couple of months where I have been at risk of injury from the wife, she spent the best part of the last half of this film gripping my arm, burying her head in my back and generally being freaked out by this very excellently understated film.

Ti West, who wrote and directed The Innkeepers, has already been slated for future success and I can understand why. There is definitely something odd about this film; the dialogue is superb; there are very very few moments that fall into the stereotypical horror film model and there's one scene that will have you jumping out of your seat - all in all definitely a post modern horror movie. Apparently, West's House of the Devil is also supposed to be an excellent low budget shocker - might have to check that one out too! Highly recommended.

In the last 12 months, I've had a couple of heated discussions with my good pal Chris about what a great director Ti West is, with me taking the position that - based on X his 70s slasher movie homage - he needs to pursue a new career as a greengrocer or hedge trimmer instead. It seems that I was in the same court as Chris a little over a decade ago.

I watched this film again, so let's see what I thought of it second time around...

I'm extremely puzzled and the wife feels the same way. Neither of us remembered a single solitary second of The Innkeepers, not a sausage. There wasn't even a single moment where we went, 'Oh yeah, I remembered that.' Nada. Nowt. Because had we remembered some of it we might have remembered that someone must have paid me to write a good review because it was an unmitigated pile of badly acted shite. I rated it highly 12 years ago? Well, I rate it very poorly 12 years later. It was really shit. It was shittier than things that come out of anuses. I could spend another paragraph or two telling you what it was about, but I really can't be arsed because the ghostly element of this film was almost an afterthought, like the story or the acting...

I'm simply aghast at how I could rate something 12 years ago and today I view it with the same eyes and found it not only wanting but positively begging for a story, some actors and something innovative. How does that happen? I'm sorry Chris but we're going to be further apart on the Ti West debate than ever before after this. I also feel bad that I once recommended it and someone might have lost 100 minutes of their life on my tip.

I Am Leg End

Considering it was made in 2007, when special effects were getting very good, I Am Legend struggles to look convincing, even if the post-apocalyptic scenes were better than anything The Walking Dead ever used. The problem with the film is nothing looks real; it has the feel of a computer game about it and once you've got over that you then realise just how shallow, superficial and dull it is, which is probably a good representation of surviving a 'zombie' apocalypse. Everything has to be regimented; clocks must be obeyed, day is your friend, night is death and always make contingency plans.

It's a very simple idea - virus wipes out mankind, a virologist also happens to be immune and is trying to find a cure; he searches for other survivors every day while trying to find a cure. His dog dies, he gets stabbed in the leg, he finds a couple of other survivors, it's all a bit bleak and then it jumps the shark somewhat. It was considerably less entertaining than I remembered it to be and nothing really happens, even the exciting bits are a bit uninspiring and lacking in excitement. I can see why it's not considered one of Will Smith's masterpieces.

Kang the Wrongqueror

It would appear that the 'theory' that's been circulating for months about how Marvel/Disney is going to have to recast the role of Kang the Conqueror is now no longer a theory and the hunt is on for someone to replace Jonathan Majors. The actor's personal tribulations are not going away and with more alleged revelations surfacing Marvel needs to recast, reshoot and reassemble before this autumn's Loki 2 appears, which we know features Majors in at least one scene (probably many more).

This news isn't good for Disney given they are trying to be supportive of its MCU division despite hearing negative news and feedback almost every day. They have been forced to bring the new Deadpool film forward by a year because the people upstairs at Disney have maybe seen the writing on the wall and are trying to milk as much from the rubber stamped successes while continuously delaying other projects with less box office guarantee. 

One Disney exec was using sports analogies last week, 'We've now lost or don't control all our stars and the rookies are not performing well. We need to start hitting homeruns again otherwise this franchise is dead.'

...Singin' in the Dead of Night

Taron Egerton's six-part serial killer series, Blackbird, which came out in 2022, has finally made its way to the top of the to watch list and I have to say given it's a finite series, there's a general lack of urgency about the plot, especially in the first few episodes, but that doesn't stop it from being the most unusual 'buddy' convict things I've ever seen.

Egerton's Jimmy is 90s Yuppie scum who turned to drugs and guns to become one of the biggest movers in Chicago is ceremoniously dropped in the shit when he's busted by the FBI and all of his bargaining chips go soggy. He gets a 10 year sentence when he was promised five, but he adapts to life in prison as best he can. Until he's offered the chance of doing something extremely unusual - he needs to move to a high security prison and befriend a misanthropic serial killer and find out where the bodies are buried to gain a full pardon.

So far so crazy until you discover this is based on real events and that Larry Hall (no relation) was an actual serial killer who has some scary similarities to Ian Brady and the Moors Murders. As the series moves towards its conclusion Jimmy is threatened on all sides just as he's about to get Larry to admit to something that can be used in evidence against him. However, when you weigh up the conclusion and how Larry was almost never remorseful and essentially played law enforcement as a bunch of idiots, you realise that in many ways he matches up to more famous serial killers, although because of his obvious learning difficulties perhaps dealing with this story in a relatively normal way would have been difficult, but there were no holds barred in this.

If you haven't seen it, check it out. It's one of those true crime things with a good adaptation thrown in to make it better. It's like a long film and there's no season two to worry about.

Wimble Done

I've never really been a tennis fan and Wimbledon tennis is one of the most boring of tournaments, given it's the best of five sets for the men and games can go on forever. I also don't understand the fascination with it; it's simply another 'special' summer event that drips classism and privilege. 

I also don't understand why it has to take over the BBC schedules like it's watched by 90% of the population rather than about 10% or why the other stations don't cash in on the need for something else while it's on. It's almost like they all put on shit so you end up watching Andy Murray get his aging arse handed to him on a plate by someone you have never heard of or can't pronounce their name.

Popmastered

The best way to watch Popmaster TV is either by recording it or getting hold of a torrents copy so you can fast forward through the 30 minutes of fluff. It's a great idea that hasn't transferred to TV especially well. TV needs a good music quiz show because that thing on a Saturday on BBC1 is okay if you're under 30. However that leads to an interesting position, because Popmaster's researchers and question setters have not understood the demographic and age of most of the contestants, therefore anything from the 21st century becomes 50% more difficult for most of the contestants and there hasn't been that many young contestants. Many rounds have tumbleweed encroaching on the set.

It's painfully slow and really needs some speeding up because some rounds work very well but other rounds are almost pointless (literally and metaphorically) in even having them. Once you fall a certain amount of points behind there's little chance to make them up and if you get the wrong set of questions give up... It's okay and it's fun answering the questions, it's just a shame the rest of it is so inconsistent and uneven.

That Lanky Wanker Film

Peter Crouch is a bit of a National Hero to the point where even people who don't know football know Crouchy; he's unique. That Peter Crouch Film was a thoroughly enjoyable, if a little truncated, biography of the 6'8" footballer who overcame considerably more adversity than your average multi-million pound player.

If I had a proper criticism it would be almost an hour and a quarter of the film is taken up with Crouch's early career up to the largely ill-fated move to Liverpool, where he scored a few goals, eventually. The next 10 years of his career and the majority of his 100 goals came after he left Anfield, but in many ways what he did at both Portsmouth (again) and Spurs (again) and then at Stoke where he spent the last eight years of his career until he retired at 38.

It explored his life with ex-model wife Abbey Clancy, his long relationship with the legendary Harry Redknapp and how he has become just as famous as an entertainer and celebrity as he was as a footballer. He's a genuinely likeable and funny guy and it must have been an enjoyable documentary because the wife watched it and liked it.

Next time...

Before next time there's the MCU's Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 to watch, and those opinions will go live tomorrow as it's our Friday night 'treat'. Meanwhile the dull MCU TV show bimbles along with many of us hoping for something interesting to happen. Wimbledon is still on so I expect another lightweight blog unless something turns up I'm not expecting.

Modern Culture - Furious

The warning for spoilers remains in place - please be aware

Bear Grills

The fantastic thing about the second series of The Bear is that we now know all the characters in the show; we've seen them grow and become actual people rather than just the background to Jeremy Allen White's powerhouse performance.

The opening few episodes of the new season has the entire team pulling together in the face of growing adversity as the dream of turning The Original Beef into The Bear starts to become a grubby and mouldy nightmare and the money that Carmy's brother left, secreted inside tins of tomatoes, is fast running out. Even with investment from his dodgy, possibly Mafia-linked uncle Jimmy, Carmine and Sydney are going to have to go up to six months without earning anything and as this is the USA and not the UK, there won't be things like JSA or start up benefits for these entrepreneurs.

Once the premises have been sorted - or demolished to be rebuilt - the focus turns to the staff and the first under the spotlight is Sydney - played by the delightful Ayo Edebiri - and her journey from sous chef to being Carmine's #2 and unofficial partner. She's constantly being let down by her boss and his distractions, so she goes on a journey to all the best restaurants still open in Chicago to try and dream up some ideas for their new menu, which so far hasn't been much of a success.

Then it's the turn of Marcus, the pastry chef, who is sent to Denmark to learn about super fine cuisine desserts. He is taught by none other by Will 'Adam Warlock' Poulter who is rather frosty towards his new pupil but soon warms to him because Marcus - Lionel Boyce - is a nice guy, who cares about his terminally ill mother and thinks it's weird that he's staying on a boat in Copenhagen.

You could argue that it's just stylised TV a bit like the flavoured foams chefs tend to favour now instead of a sauce or gravy, but it does so much more than that and no single episode fails to move the story forward even if it feels at times like it's standing still.  

Then there's episode six... In the first season the stand out episode was the psychotic 19 minute continuous episode with no breaks, just one single camera following the action. It was astounding. In season two you have the standalone episode - The Berzattos - and it's set five years prior to the events happening elsewhere in season two and it has a solid gold stellar cast, it's an hour long and an Emmy winning ensemble acting experience from start to finish. Jamie Leigh-Curtis, Oliver Platt, Sarah Paulson, Jon Bernthal and Bob Odenkirk are some, not all, guest stars in an absolute Academy Award winning hour of frenetic, frantic Italian-American insanity. You want to know why The Bear is full of mad people, this doesn't tell you why they're mad, it just shows you that maybe they were even nuttier five years earlier. Astonishing television.

The pace changes with episode seven as the spotlight falls on Richie with remarkable results and a guest appearance by Olivia Coleman. I am beginning to seriously think that actors are now queuing up to be a guest star  in this show. Penultimate episodes of series tend to either tread water or tie up 'other' sub plots, but The Bear doesn't let up with the entertainment and the stress as time is running out and the restaurant's secrets are finally being revealed, but almost in a gigantic puzzle kind of way. You have to watch it to understand what I mean fully, but we go from A to Z in this series and B to Y is examined with the same intensity as A and Z.

The entire series has a lot of genuinely funny LOL moments (although very few of them are in episode six), usually involving Richie - Ebon Moss-Bachrach - who was literally a fuckwit waiting to happen, but he means well even if he's a bag of anxiety, insecurity and idiocy - the three things he excels at. You started to get the impression his days were numbered at the new restaurant but that was the vibe he was giving out because Carmy has so much faith in his idiot cousin it's almost the least realistic thing about the show.

There's been no news about whether there's going to be a season three and that's a worry, but equally I'd be happy because I was in on The Bear long before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon. Seriously, if you've never seen this before you should treat yourself to it. I think it's one of the greatest television series EVER!

No Way Jose

Do not adjust your screens, I am going to change my mind about something. I no longer dislike Spider-Man: No Way Home, in fact I'd say it might end up being the last good Marvel film, which considering Sony is involved is high praise indeed.

I went into this with less than zero expectations; I had, after all, been completely correct about it being a load of shit and we were watching it so we were on the same page when we decide to watch the second Doctor Strange film (which I was itching to do). There was no thought in our minds that it might actually be, you know, quite enjoyable.

However, while I agree with myself on some of the criticisms, I no longer feel the film is contrived and in many ways it's allegorical message needed to be made, for this incarnation of Spider-Man at least. I do not like the ending; I didn't like it first time round and I doubt I ever will. The MCU Spidey is a different beast to the others, including the many in the Spider-Verse and to remove everything this Peter had - his aunt, his friends, his mentor, his identity and to put him in a position that not even the original comicbook Peter Parker had to suffer (at least until he was older) is a cruel way to tie up this trilogy.

Given what is happening in Hollywood, the delays to projects, Holland's decision to take a break and the struggles of superhero films in general, I wouldn't be at all surprised to see this ending up being the last Spider-Man film for a few years, it certainly would work as a finale, even with the epilogue, which while bleak for Parker has glimmers of hope in it. 

Steve's Bad Day Out

So one thing leads to another and that thing led to Doctor Strange in a Multiplex of Mingers. It had to be done. I needed to see if it was as bad as I remembered and no it wasn't, but not by much. This is a rough film with a dire need for at least another half an hour of scene setting, character building and interaction. It needed special emphasis on the almost pointless relationship Strange had with his ex - played again by Rachel McAdam - because it was never really spelt out in the first film and if you really couldn't be arsed to watch What If? then you're a bit fucked, but essentially Strange is an egotist and a winner, yet his ex is something he failed at, apparently all over the multiverse. It also would have been nice to have more than a five second recap of Wanda's previous adventures and a little less frippery about what a 'Scarlet Witch' is.

This film sort of starts well, but it suffers from bad plotting, woefully poor pacing and a lack of any credible reason to exist other than Wanda's gone mad and discovered she's now stronger than Thanos, which alone should have anyone with a hint of knowledge about the MCU wondering about the direction we're going here. I mean it's not that long since the un-snap and some of the shit Wanda's got involved in would have been a good weapon against Thanos or any other world beating villain or threat; so when Strange was calculating all those things back in Infinity War how come he didn't see this coming?

I still have a number of problems with this film from its lack of story, the acid-trip dodgy CGI and zero excitement and the feeling of jeopardy is never there. Plus, it tries to be a horror film but when you're a PG-13 rated superhero movie there's only so much you can do until you start getting into censors' areas, so any real attempt at horror is more Lemony Snicket than Evil Dead. Like I said, no jeopardy, no risk, you know the hero is going to save the day and you don't care what it's going to cost him.

There's also the fact that despite not being in half the film, Strange is far better in No Way Home than he is in his own film, which I think in the end felt like a bunch of half-arsed ideas not properly executed and they should never have put Sam Raimi anywhere near it; he's a half trick pony at best. I feel for the guy who lost the directing gig and was made an executive producer instead - that's damning him on two levels. In the end this second Doctor Strange outing is a cold, emotionless and a pragmatic and unpleasant juggernaut. 

Secret Invasions

Well, this is still not moving along at any pace at all and is full of things that at the moment make little or no sense in the grand scheme of things. Fury has a not very nice meeting with James Rhodes - War Machine - which wasn't what Nick hoped for and pretty much made Rhodey out to be an arsehole (but he hasn't got Tony Stark to keep him grounded any longer). It seems the US government aren't interested in Fury's Secret Invasion. In fact, Fury has meetings throughout this episode and all of them aren't what he wants.

Gravik - the Skrull general with the British PM, head of the UN and various other important people under his control is behaving more like a psychopath than a freedom fighter and there doesn't seem to be much reason for the Skrulls taking over the earth, especially considering they were given a home here, but you have to move the story on. Olivia Coleman again steals the show with a cold calculated performance as someone who might be a good guy but equally might be a loose cannon; we don't really know who she works for or what kind of agenda she has, but I expect Fury will turn to her for help in the third part.  

It's all very adult, full of spies and intrigue, but I'm just not feeling the love for it. It's like smoke and mirrors at times; you're not sure anything is actually moving forward, but that might be because very few Marvel TV series so far have delivered anything but endings that lead into some other thing - so not really endings at all. There's also far more happening that we don't understand than the stuff we do and while I expect it will all be revealed, I just hope we're not led up some garden path only to be faced by a new labyrinth to work out.

Max is Positively Livid 

Having never watched a Mad Max film all the way through, ever, it seemed strange that I should want to watch Mad Max: Fury Road but given how many people rate it extremely highly I decided we'd give it a go. I mean, how bad could it possibly be?

Actually it was almost two hours of road rage and car chases, stunts and accidents designed to impress and wince at. In fact, the special effects were extremely good, elevating this from being just a trashy Mad Max film into something akin to a film with a story, albeit a thin one, stretched over a swelling bloated carcass of a once dead franchise.

Tom Hardy is Max now, but the focus is on Charlize Theron's Furiosa, she who drives the truck with the leader's breeders on board and she's decided to make a break for it with mutant Peter Stringfellow's denizens on her tail. Max gets roped in - almost literally - to help and gradually an uneasy alliance is formed.

It's an absolute load of horse wank and a lot of enjoyable if overlong fun. Except fun isn't the right word for it. 

Searching for Nightmares

So far in season two of Stanley Tucci Searching for Italy it seems to be about making the lovely Stanley eat as many fucking horrid things as possible. He should never have said 'I eat anything' because it's like the producer is now intent on sticking as much shit down the actor's throat as possible. Take the omelette with dried and shredded chicken's stomach as an example, or in my case don't. Every week now it's some godforsaken part of a pig's innards, testicles or brains cooked in something vaguely Italian for Stanley to 'Oh My GOD!' at.

The series is still full of wonderful scenery and divine cuisine, but Stan's had a pizza and some pasta, it's now all about balls, brains and the bits that no one else wants to eat. I expect there'll be a bull's penis involved before he finishes his odyssey. It's still wonderful TV and they need to find Tucci a new country and its cuisine to explore or possibly how Italian cuisine has affected the rest of the world.

And oddly enough, episode four of the second series is based in that famous Italian city of ... London. Stanley meets up with some more familiar faces to sample the delights of the Italians who have made London their home - almost 250,000 of them have made the move to the capital; it seems the Italians like the UK and hopefully vice versa - let's just hope that Brexit hasn't stifled that relationship. 

The rest of the series is the same mix of wonderful local foods and what can we gross Stanley out with this week; it's comfort TV, like that fishing programme or those fireplace apps you can set up on your TV. I know I really want to go to Italy now.

13 Foot Virgos

So... That was weird and we only watched two episodes and, if I want to be honest, we're not likely to watch any more - there's far too much good stuff out there to be waylaid by a proper curate's egg of a TV show. This is the story of a 13 feet tall 19 year old man who has been hidden from the world all of his life but finally comes out of his big closet into a world that you really weren't expecting.

The thing about I'm a Virgo is that Cootie, the main protagonist, is a naïve and slightly old school romantic who has developed all of his social skills through limited exposure to the TV because his adopted parents don't know what else to do with a 13 foot tall teenager. I say they're his adopted parents, but his father might be his biological father but his 'mother' is the sister of his actual mother, who may well have died giving birth to Cootie because he was as big as a polar bear when he was born.

There's a real life superhero in the series, called The Hero he's a decidedly dodgy looking guy who is obviously very very insane, but that's not all - there's all kinds of weird shit going on with no explanation so presumably it's just 'normal' for this reality. I simply couldn't make my mind up if I liked it or if I was just watching it because of all the hype I've read about it. I'm not convinced the acting is all that and the supporting cast are not the most likeable people. This is something I might return to, but as I said there's too much to watch already.

Also Discarded...

The summer is strange time for TV and film. Traditionally in the UK the summer months meant endless repeats, sport and things to encourage you outside even if that wasn't their initial aim. Looking through the current releases people who read this might wonder why I'm not looking at The Witcher - we watched half the first series and gave up because it was decidedly boring; or Star Trek: Brave New Worlds which we watched the pilot and as I fell asleep during it for almost half the show, we opted to give up on Star Trek (although we might watch Disco Very when it returns for it's final FINAL season). Obviously any regular reader of this will understand why I haven't mentioned Please Stop: Dead Shitties, in case you don't, I stopped because they won't.

'Afternoon' TV?

To finish the week off, I opted to watch Wildflower, based solely on the one trailer I saw, which made me chuckle. It's about the life of teenager Bambi (or 'Bea' to her friends and other family) who has had a more 'challenging' childhood than most people and while the premise and the approach was fantastic, in the end the film was let down by being not that interesting and possibly because of the way it used the disabled as a comedic way of telling a story rather than focusing on their story, which might have been more interesting. This film is all about Bea and maybe it shouldn't have been.

The film starts with Bea in a coma looking back on her young life and how she got where she is and that meant a lot of time spent on her folks - Derek, who suffered a life-changing brain injury when he was a teen and Sharon, a young woman born with learning disabilities - what cruel Americans call 'retarded' - and how against the odds and against the wishes of their two rather eccentric families, meet, fall in love and have a baby - a perfectly normal child they christen Bambi (after Sharon's favourite film). This is what the film should have been about; this is where the opportunity to make an entertaining film about what it must be like for two adults, both with pre-teen brains, to not only survive but thrive and have a family in one of the cruellest and undemocratic countries in the world - the USA.

There are some genuinely touching moments in the film and some funny ones, such as when Bea is trying to explain to her father that she can't learn to drive because she's only 10; but these moments are few and far between and the focus turns to Bea as she ploughs through school while simultaneously has become her parents principal carer. The problem is there's no real focus on Bea's 'job' just time spent with her trying to avoid being a normal teenager or being one and veering to the edge of reasonable. I get it she's this 17 year old girl faced with having a real life in front of her and the real struggle she has because of her parents and her story needed to be told, maybe not in such an inconsistent and slightly derogatory way (and I know this is based on a true event, but maybe that true event wasn't that interesting?).

In the end it simply felt like a quite good idea that didn't transpose to the screen as well as you might expect. Dash Mihok and Samantha Hyde are excellent as Bea's 'disabled' parents and Kiernan Shipka is really good as Bea - I was thinking she reminded me of Elliot Page when he was called Ellen. The fantastic Jean Smart plays the maternal grandmother and brings a smidgeon of star quality to a film that had I stumbled across it, during December, on Channel 5 in the afternoon, I would have quickly moved on to try and find something more interesting.

Next time...

The hope that Secret Invasion starts to actually get interesting or even good, because so far it's been going nowhere slowly and without any purpose. It appears I'm not the only person to think this, which makes me both happy and sad.

As for the rest of the week, we'll see what comes along, what we fancy off of the Flash Drive of Doom - we're at that stage where we watch films because it's one of our turns to choose now rather than because we're looking forward to it. Sometimes it ends up being a good thing, but as readers of this will attest, often it's two hours of my life that would have been better spent wanking or writing a will...