Manchester United's Sir Alex Ferguson has issued a 'Hands Off Warning!" He has insisted that under no circumstances is Howard Webb for sale.
Newcastle accept a £26.85 offer from Liverpool for Mandy Carroll, Andy's 17 year old sister.
Newcastle accept a £3.5billion offer for Andy Carroll. The money will go to the regeneration of Mike Ashley's swimming pool and personal solarium.
Liverpool accept a £50 Gazillion for Hair by Nando Torres from the People's Republic of Chelski. Reds boss Kenny Dalglish is believed to have thrown in a bottle of perm solution and some blonde hair dye.
Ashley Young is still staying at Aston Villa. "Honest he is, he's going no where, la," says Villa manager Gerard Houllier. "However, Stephen Ireland can fuck off!" And apparently he is, on his way to Newcastle who now have more money than sense - so no change there then.
Tottenham have a bid for half of Spain rejected by King Juan Carlos.
Blackpool manager Ian Holloway has said, "It's all a bit boring now, me beauty, isn't it? Now that Chelski and Liverpool have spent the GDP of Romania between them there's bugger all left to talk about. The £10million being offered for our over rated central midfielder who no one had heard of this time last year seems trivial and I don't even know if I can sell him now that the Premier League have decided they pick my team now, me beauty, me precious. Do you want zum zider, me lovely?"
Everton chairman Bill Kenwright has told manager David Moyes that if he wants a new kettle he needs to sell someone or loan someone out to cut the wage bill. Moyes, who has a pathological fear of strikers is believed to be considering offers for Louis Saha, Jermaine Beckford and Victor Anichebebebebe and quite fancies http://www.amazon.co.uk/Martin-Executive-Collection-Cordless-Kettle/dp/B001C4E0AO/ref=tag_tdp_sv_edpp_i however, the company appear to be out of stock of this product and are unlikely to get any new ones until after the transfer window.
Birmingham City have been linked to a playground scandal involving a bus load of 9 year olds. While Bolton Wanderers have confirmed they have made a bid for Nat Lofthouse's ashes.
Crawley Town have made an audacious bid for Gillingham. The chairman has been reported as saying he can't be arsed to wait for promotion to the real league. A £40million bid for Dimitar Berbatov is way off the mark according to the man who speaks on behalf of Alex Ferguson, "Berba likes the idea of playing non-league football, but is concerned about the standard of pies."
Recently sacked pundit and presenter Dicky Keys has had an offer of £2000 for a bag of his back hair accepted by Oldham.
Amazingly, with only a few hours to go before the close of the window, there has been barely a whimper from Man Citeh. The oil rich billionaires of football were believed to be attempting to sign Tottenham's Welsh prodigy Gareth Bale for the Maldives and a fleet of Bugatti Veyrons. Spurs manager genial Harry 'Grout' Redsnapper is reported to have turned the offer down as he doesn't know what the Maldives best playing position was. "Someone said it played best as an attacking midfielder and I have 207 of those on the books already." The Spurs manager is considering playing an experimental 1-1-1-7-1 formation against Blackburn on Wednesday.
Liverpool have confirmed they have signed Andy Carroll, but not his ponytail, which, it seems, has to stay on Tyneside and play as a left sided midfielder.
With less than 4 hours and 41 minutes to go until the end of the window, there has been more money changing hands than Britain is currently in debt. Chancellor Osborne has asked Newcastle for a loan to get the country out of debt and if the country defaults, the Geordies own us all.
As well as paying more money than sense for Nando Torres, Chelsea have also just bought an oxymoron, or in other words, a Brazilian defender for almost as much money as Katy Price has had boyfriends.
Tottenham have just confirmed they have loaned Peter Crouch to a runner bean grower in Kent until September.
West Ham United have been prevented from loaning anyone else by the Football League; according to the League's rules they can have no more than 6 loanees, however the club has just completed a deal to loan its 14th striker. manager Avram Grant believes the east London club can flaunt an 1877 rule that will allow them to play a 4-4-14 formation for the rest of the season. The club's odd for relegation lengthened from 8-11 to 1-20 (or is that shortened?)
Gosh, it's been pretty exciting hasn't it? The latest news is that Michael Owen is loaning someone else's knees for the rest of the season.
Notts County are formed.
Blackburn have made a bid to sign Everton's Tea Lady Mavis Herdnerf on a free transfer. They're offering a three year deal and an urn. Everton, who are desperate to reduce their wage bill have also offered their groundsman, the receptionist and David Moyes' hair stylist.
The First World War starts. Germany attempt to sign Arch Duke Ferdinand as their new coach prompting Kaiser Wilhelm to invade Italy.
Ipswich striker Jason Scotland has left the England club to play for a club in Wales while retaining his right to play for the Ireland national team.
Sunderland manager Steve Bruce has criticised the press for not speculating anything to do with his club. "We're 6th and yet we're not linked with anybody; you'd think people would at least have linked us with someone, even if it was from one of the other clubs that haven't been mentioned, like West Brom or Stoke."
Speaking from his mansion on Wallasey, former Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez made this statement about the selling of Nando and the buying of the Carroll twins, "I think eet is good beesknees of ze cloob. Nando deed not have ze right hair style for ze cloob. Eet was clever of Keeng Kenny to buy ze Man-dee, she weel be a good sign eeng for ze cloob geeving ze hand and blow jobs before ze keee matchees."
The Second World War starts after Germany beat Poland in topless 5-a-side knockout.
David Beckham has agreed to have a tattoo of a walrus on his penis.
The Second World War ends with the declaration that England have to win the World Cup within the next 21 years.
Northampton Town have sold their entire team in a profiteering exercise and have signed an under-18 team from Doncaster to replace it. Chairman David Cordoza said, "How else am I going to pay for my cocaine habit and all those girls?"
Roger Trenwith is born and chooses to support Everton, who have to sell their entire midfield if David Moyes wants a new duvet.
Steven Gerard has tweeted on Twitter that 'there is no S in Scunthorpe where Nando is concerned.' Rumours that he is looking for a fight in a Walton night club have not been confirmed.
Wayne Rooney has announced that he has managed to get to a complete set of Star Trek:The Next Generation dvds off of eBay.
The Olympics prove to be a complete and utter disaster for Bangladesh as they don't win a single medal and their cook is fired for using too much clarified butter. Taiwan complain about the buses.
Not a lot has happened for nearly half an hour. Norwich have confirmed that Delia will be cooking coq au vin at the next home match, but not sausage rolls. Wigan chairman Dave Whelan is thinking of renaming the DW stadium again and rumours that he is trying to buy Fylde are way off the mark, but he has applied for membership of Southport Golf Club. Cardiff have signed Shirley Bassey on a free transfer.
With two hours to go, Spurs still haven't signed anyone and the press are growing concerned. Genial Harry was seen with his feet up in his living room in Sandbanks, Dorset earlier and Daniel Levy, the Spurs chairman was at a Mosque in Ryadh touting for business, but neither was seen with a mobile phone. Rumours about Peter Crouch have stopped as his agent's mobile phone battery has died. Rafael Van Der Vaart's missus is not to model topless as first reported, but she has signed papers to play in defence for Wolves.
With an hour to go in the window, Liverpool haven't spent any more money and several of the Arsenal players have gone for an early night. Everton manager David Moyes has run out of coffee and may have to sell some of the lead from the roof of Goodison Park to get some more. The Merseyside team will play their match on Wednesday with paper turnstiles as the original ones have been sold for scrap.
Zager and Evans have been seen at QPR with Bernie Ecclestone, Peters & Lee and several members of Abba. Colin Wanker aka Neil Warnock has been taking tango lessons and several footballers with two Christian names have turned down the chance to join the west London club. They have signed a Nigerian who plays in the Russian league because the temperature in London is higher than that of Minsk.
Half an hour to go and Spurs have announced that one of their attacking midfielders has agreed to join a Spanish club for a kilo of onions, some ham and a used skateboard. No hang on, that was what Everton offered Spurs for the midfielder who declined and took real money instead.
Fifteen minutes to go and the feeling here at Transfer window control is something big is coming up.
Fulham have signed a small terraced house in Bermondsey on loan until the end of the season with a view to a permanent move in August. Apparently, Stoke were after the house as well, but could not agree terms with the owners. This is the first and possible only time Fulham have been mentioned during the entire day.
Everton have transferred £7 from their savings account to the current account to buy some biscuits and a new tea towel. A local housewife has volunteered to be tea lady until the summer when the club hope to sign former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez as the new tea boy and groundsman. The Spaniard said, "It's a small cloob but I have ze reputation to rebuild and it isn't my fault, it eez every one else's." It is believed he has some history of waiting.
The window draws to a close for another 6 months. More money has changed hands today than Wayne Rooney's pimp and John Terry's drug dealer handle in a week. The big winners are Liverpool and Newcastle, but what they've won is highly questionable and both teams have lost a degree of loveliness that neither had in the first place. Spurs have done nothing at all which has surprised everyone, but Harry managed a quiet night in with his missus, so that was nice and the big losers are Chelski who are something in the region of £6billion down, but have an oligarch who likes large breasted women and big guns, so no one is going to be giving him a hard time over how he spends his money. Man Citeh's big money signing, Edwin Gecko, who was bought for a small aircraft carrier three weeks ago has so far scored one goal against a non-league side made up of gay transvestite nuns and children under 9. Man Citeh manager Roberto 'Like my Scarf' Mancini claims the player will need time to settle.
Just remember that other deals might go through but we haven't heard about them, so stay tuned until at least Thursday and remember a transfer window isn't a proper one unless there's a last minute Spurs deal or a sacking for sexism by Sky TV. You all smell and I am a friend of Jesus...