My Cultural Life - The Eleven Foot Long Penis

What the F...?

Twice last weekend I was left feeling bemused about British society. The first was the amount of exposure a couple obviously having an affair were given because they were caught on camera at a Coldplay concert. I mean, what the actual fuck? Are we back in the 1970s when the News of the World would have exposes about vicars sleeping with members of their congregation or an MP had been caught with their pants down? Who actually cares that two people are having an affair apart from their respective spouses? Why are newspapers and social media giving this any air? Why do people give oxygen to this abomination of supposed news? If nothing else, the meme industry has been allowed to essentially seriously damage two peoples lives (four or more actually) for the entertainment of a cruel audience and more clicks ...

… I was watching Sky Sports' coverage of the 153rd Open Championship and at one point on Saturday afternoon, one of the golfers holed a pitch shot for an eagle and Sir Nick Faldo said, "Bloody hell!" Which, to be fair was a lot less 'offensive' than what I exclaimed when watching it. However, before the words had barely left England's most successful golfer's mouth, two - TWO - of his commentator colleagues had apologised for Sir Nick's 'bad' language. I mean, what the fuck again? Perhaps people shouldn't watch Simon Reeve's shows because we have 'bloody hell' guessing games at however many he's going to say per programme. Since when was 'bloody hell' even regarded as a mildly - I'm loathe to use the word in this context - offensive exclamation able to be said by six-year-olds when they see something that warrants an exclamation?

No wonder gammons and the anti-PC brigade have such a field day about 'political correctness gone mad' because we live in a world where we can be arrested for campaigning against the slaughter of children in Palestine, but we have nonsense like people having affairs or 'swearing' dominating our news or TV coverage like the Tories used bad news days to drop shit policies that would affect the least well off. It's just a fucking nonsense!

What's Not Up?

Summer eh? The following blog is going to be short. I could have just not bothered this week and doubled up next, but I like routine. This week has been busy - Saturday, Monday, Thursday and Friday were all busy evenings and my free time has been seriously curtailed. I'm sure a quick one will suffice.

I did another pub quiz last night at The Wigtown Ploughman and it was another big night for the pub. I sometimes wish I lived in a place with more pubs that might be interested in a pub quiz. I do enjoy doing them and I haven't felt as comfortable 'publicly speaking' since my days of running X-Men panels at the UK comic convention. I could quite happily do one a week because it gives me something of a purpose and I have been writing questions for quizzes since the early 1990s, when I stumbled on a 'job' on Usenet, of all places. This was probably around 1994, because I was living in Wellingborough, but the shop had shut down, I saw an advert on one of UseNet forums asking for people to write questions for an unnamed quiz show in Europe. It was as vague AF. But this was in a more innocent time and would you believe it, it turned out to be absolutely 100% genuine. I submitted 100 sample questions in the five subjects I'd highlighted in an earlier email, for them to assess my ability and if I was successful I'd not only get assignments, I'd get paid £50 for the original 100. 

This meant I would get 50p per question, so 200 would be £100. I gave them my address, no bank details were asked for and about three months later, I got a cheque for £50. A couple of days later, I got an email from someone whose name has long since been lost with the request to produce X number of questions about geography, films, comics, general knowledge and one other. These had to be written in three different question formats (1:1, 1:2 and 1:4 which is a question and the number of multiple choice answers) and be submitted by the end of the month. This went on for nearly two years, I was earning between £100 and £500 a month from a production company I didn't know, for a quiz show (or shows) I also had no idea about and being sent a cheque, as regular as clockwork, for simply writing questions. It was bizarre but also a fantastic bonus, however, it abruptly stopped. I didn't hear from them again. I don't know why; I don't even think I've wondered why.

Imagine what it must have been like, 30 years ago, trying to write quiz questions? But think about it this way; every single quiz question is really three questions worded differently. Anyhow, reviews and shit... 

Not Amateurish

What if you were a relatively high level code breaker for the CIA - a desk jockey - who suddenly is propelled into the real world of espionage and spy killing spy? This is the premise of the excellent The Amateur, a film starring Rami Malik - the aforementioned desk jockey - who faced with the unthinkable decides that his bosses aren't doing enough to satisfy his needs so he takes it into his own hands. This is a clever, Bond-like, action flick with some excellent performances, brilliant set pieces and an almost believable idea - apart from the fact Malik plays an amateur and amateurs probably get eaten alive in this environment. This is also a movie that again reinforces my belief that you are some kind of stupid to want to live in a rogue state country like the USA. The important thing is this is a cracking movie that has you on the edge of your seat all the way through and even keeps you guessing right up until the title sequence runs. it is inventive and never sags; plus it puts the best modern Bond villain actor into a position where he gets to swap roles and be the hero. This gets a solid recommendation because it's my film of the week! 9/10 

The Film That Wasn't Really There

We delved back into the world of the Coen Brothers again, this time to watch The Man Who Wasn't There for the second time, although it's been over 20 years since we originally saw it and no memory of it remained. It's a curate's egg of a movie; a typical Coen Brothers comedy of errors where the meandering garden path is really made up of Karmic plot twists and turns. Billy Bob Thornton plays a barber who chain smokes and doesn't talk much, even if he's narrating the story. He meets a man with a plan to become rich through dry cleaning and decides to blackmail the boss of his wife, who he knows she is having an affair with. It is once these things are set into motion that the movie takes a strange journey, one that at times feels a little uncomfortable without ever seeming to be anything but darkly humorous. Frances McDormand, James Gandolfini and, a young, Scarlett Johansson also star in a film that looks fantastic but ultimately fails to be better than it looks. 5/10

Witches Brew

The trouble I had to go through just to get a watchable copy of Beautiful Creatures left me with an overwhelming hope that it was worth it. Sadly it wasn't. This is an overwrought, tonally awkward fantasy movie with no rounded characters, a lot of exposition and felt like it would have made a better eight-part mini-series. Apparently the source material is a very entertaining book, but the movie felt a little half-baked. There were under developed characters, cameos from others who offered little to the story apart from simply being there and while Alden Ehrenreich does a good job with his character of Ethan Wate, the rest of the cast struggle to tell a story that anyone would give a shit about. There's a kind of Romeo & Juliet vibe going on, but not really. Alice Englert, who plays Ethan's doomed love Lena, struggles a little with the acting part of her job, her accent wavering from deep south to south Australia more often than you'd think the director would be happy with. Of the supporting cast Emma Thompson does a good job - but doesn't she always? - while Jeremy Irons phones in another mediocre display, which he does whenever he's not playing an English aristocrat. Even the fabulous Emmy Rossum is a confusing, slightly wasted character in a film that probably needed to come with an explanatory manual. 4/10

Mountainous

The six-part murder mystery set in Yosemite National Park, Untamed is interesting but suffers from being a bit maudlin and retrospective. It's not just a murder mystery - albeit a particularly gruesome and unusual one - it's about grief, relationships with the past and also about loneliness and misanthropy. Eric Bana plays Kyle Turner, who works inside the park but is essentially a US marshal by any other name. This brings him into countless confrontations, which he seems to be the least bothered about. Fellow Antipodean Sam Neil plays Paul Souter, the head ranger and old friend of Bana's, and there are a number of other supporting cast who appear to be there to pad the story out rather than add to it. However, Lily Santiago plays Naya, is quite good as a former LA cop who has swapped the city for the wide open spaces; she's assigned by the park to 'assist' Turner - a thankless task given his disdain and bad attitude towards just about any other human being. It's a good mini-series, especially when the two officers start to track their suspect and begin to link it to a disappearance from six years earlier, but it's not ... it doesn't... It needed to be something different or maybe something more.  

In The Running

It's been 27 years since Mike Nichols' Primary Colors came out. That's 27 years I managed to avoid watching this loosely based story of Bill Clinton's run for the Democratic Presidential Nomination. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting this is a bad movie, it's just not very good with horrendous tonal swings throughout. Is it a screwball comedy? Is it a tragicomedy? A drama or a melodrama? It follows the appointment of a new campaign manager for Jack Stanton's political race for the White House, played by Britain's Adrian Lester, and how he turns a ragtag bunch of enthusiastic amateurs into a proper campaign team, while fending off all the bad/unsavoury publicity Stanton - John Travolta - has following him around like a bad smell. Emma Thompson (another Brit and another film this week) plays his long-suffering 'Hilary', who at first refuses to believe her husband is a philanderer and then parks it behind her to help him win the nomination. There are some good turns by Billy Bob Thornton (again), Maura Tierney, Alison Janney (again) and Tony Shalhoub (yet again), but ultimately this feels a little too much like a comical satire than a plausible movie idea. The ideas felt dated as did the appearance of the film. It's a difficult movie to like. 4/10

The Best Treatment

The wife is sure we'd seen this movie before. Despite nothing ringing any bells, she thinks we watched it, thought, 'What the fuck?' and promptly forgot we ever watched it and moved on with our lives. She might be right, not because You Were Never Really There is a WTF kind of movie. It's a violent Art House film that's hard to follow. It's sparse in its story telling; it doesn't really explain what's going on, but you kind of get the gist (with the aid of IMDB) and Joachim Phoenix is his usual dependable self as an army veteran (?) with a troubled history who tracks down missing girls and rescues/retrieves them with brutal and deadly force. He is the paedophile's nightmare, however when he's 'employed' by a US senator and things go horribly wrong, it becomes a battle for survival and a puzzle to really understand what the actual fuck is going on and why. Talk about minimalist; this tells a story but nothing is explained and you pretty much have to work it out for yourself and then you realise that it's a really nasty story that makes you feel uncomfortable. 4/10

What's Up Next?

Much to the wife's bemusement, episodes #7-11 of The Sandman are now available to watch. I think I said she was beginning to find it a bit slow and laborious. It's also going to be nearly August, already, so I expect there will be little that's new or interesting.

Obviously, the FDoD needs replenishing, as there are now fewer than 15 films on it and most of them are not exactly banging on our doors to be watched - the same applies to the Hard Drive of Doom, which has plenty of recorded films off the TV. If the weather stays nice I can think of better things to do, but that's not something you want to rely on. I've had a recommendation from my vet which I'm going to investigate.

As always, what I see is what you get.

The Internet - A 'My Cultural Life' Special

 The Case Against...

The Internet. I've been saying for a number of years that it will be the root cause of the downfall of society, probably humanity in general. It makes me wonder if those people - baby boomers specifically - who are often seen in the comments section of any webpage or social media platform calling for a return to simpler times, say, the 1970s, are really subconsciously asking for the internet to be shut down. I know, it's a stretch, but perhaps what they want is NOT to have the ability to share their beliefs with the rest of the world. Perhaps deep within the subconscious of the hateful there is a germ of decency desperately fighting to try to be more tolerant? Probably not, maybe once upon a time reasonable people may not have been so easily swayed by nonsense they see on-line, but not now. The internet is 'marketed' as both something utterly fantastic and fantastically dangerous and for many people it is as addictive as, say heroin, which I've been told is utterly fantastic and fantastically dangerous. 

I've been on various stages of the internet's social media evolution throughout the 35 years I've had access to it. AOL, Usenet, Yahoogroups, MySpace, Friends Reunited and then Facebook, Twitter and the places that are both social media and blatantly self-indulgent - Tumblr, DeviantArt, Instagram etc. However, if you go back to the beginning, a place like Usenet, which quickly became some kind of crazy, anarchistic, world within a world kind of place, also attracted people who once upon a time rarely voiced their opinions, disdain, anger, prejudices outside of their own houses, who now had a place where they could actually speak their twisted minds. The scary thing about Usenet, which is why they started to self-police the place, was the minority crazies weren't such a small percentage. In fact, there were a lot of likeminded arseholes and those now ancient feeling 'net neologisms such as Flame Wars, Trolls and Newbies were created to categorise things, to label them as a warning/excuse to other users. Usenet quickly became a haven for hatred, discrimination and prejudice. Basically, if you called someone a cunt and they called you a fucking cunt back there was no AI moderator deleting your comment and giving you a warning or suspending you [what do you mean there isn't really one of those now?].

I saw it in the mid 1990s, not just on Usenet, but AOL and then Yahoogroups - as long as you agreed to the flimsiest of rules you could create a forum that could talk theoretically about recruiting paedophiles to carry out suicide bombings in primary schools and the chances of you being discovered were slightly less than you waking up tomorrow with £1billion under your pillow. The thing is, this is no different now. On Facebook you can create private groups that literally only exist in Meta's databases and the chances of someone human ever looking at these with any intent is about the same chance as Usenet. You can't find these things in searches. Your best mate might belong to a Neo-Nazi Terrorist Cell and you wouldn't know it from his Facebook activity. I know people who are on Facebook all the time, but rarely are they on their own timeline; they're off in a group engaging in the same way as 21st Century Usenet clones Discord and Reddit are. The thing is Facebook Groups are much easier to control, especially if you want to keep things between a small group of trusted 'colleagues'. 

When certain people aren't utilising social media for their own nefarious purposes, they could be posting memes which are sowing the seeds of hate and mistrust. Stoking the fires of a population that has been inundated with bad news for the last 25 years. 9/11 was probably the era when the internet exploded with conspiracy theorists, web pages that 'challenged' our beliefs, and, of course, social media, which allowed a small group of powerful sociopaths the opportunity to make a lot of money and somehow stay above and beyond the reach of the law. How massive internet companies have managed to exist above the law is a great mystery and more importantly how they've managed to shape the way we think as a direct result? Because of the internet, we live in a world where people who care about other people or the planet are considered 'terrorist hippies' but people attacking police who are preventing them from lynching asylum seekers housed in an Essex hotel are just expressing their unhappiness. You might not need the internet to start a riot, but it helps swell the numbers. 9/11 created internet extremism, before that it was still just a growing cult, honing its skills for a time when more people were on line.

So far we know that the internet has encouraged and provided a space to breed malcontent through misinformation and it's only going to get worse. Capitalism has been on the rocks for some time; the pandemic was a godsend in many ways because the internet became even more important; it became the thing it always wanted to be - the world's primary source of information, news and entertainment. It gave capitalism a shot in the arm and this time the best way to keep the momentum going was to divide and conquer. What is the single most important/terrifying thing the internet has achieved over the last 35 years? Division and subdivision. Social media hasn't necessarily contributed to the individual's unpleasant beliefs, but it is a place that allows an individual to express those beliefs with little or no challenge to them, but many will agree with it. However, you might agree with a post about pensions and someone you know who is diametrically opposite you in their political beliefs also believes in it and sometimes a shared belief is all you need to make friends on the internet - which is a good thing. But you have divisions and if, at some point, you disagree with something that could easily be the end of that friendship. It happens with old friends as well, almost as often; age and experience change individuals - what was once liberal is easily swayed towards conservative. 

Often we see old friends lives being played out on Facebook (or not, as the case may be) and we forget that once upon a time we used to speak on the phone, or meet at the pub, or have some actual close contact with a person. Messenger, WhatsApp, SnapChat, TikTok or old fashioned SMS texting replaced the need to actually be in the presence of a person to talk to them about whatever you wanted to. Yes, loads of people still Facetime with people, but they're not in the pub or on holiday or just hanging, are they? If we're not divided politically we're divided physically. But even if we spend time with people, the phone is always prominent and it's usually going to be some message or notification about something going on somewhere else that distracts us. The internet has changed the way many of us communicate in general. It's probably why pubs are in decline, because you can have a beer at home and have five of your mates on your computer screen with you and basically have a virtual hang.

So, the Internet has created a place where people will hate each other because it's everyone else's fault they're so unhappy. It's also a really dangerous place to rely on for everything else. Forget social media and it's changing of our socio norms, the world of on-line criminality should put the fear of god into any one; whether you're a piece of racist vermin or a women-hating teenage virgin - the internet is not safe for you any more than it is for anyone else! We have entrusted banks to basically move our money from the closest branch to an on-line world where there are cyber attacks every day! I might be wrong here, but I don't recall there being a bank robbery every fucking day! I don't remember hackers being able to know everything about us by the number of Green Shield Stamps we accrued. There are Ransomware attacks that we never hear about because the victims have just paid the ransom because it's too risky not to.  

Let's not forget that the internet created Bitcoins and that's an absolute bizarre minefield in itself. I spent about an hour once trying to work out how cryptocurrencies work and I was just more confused after than I was going in. I didn't even understand half the 'terminology' so trying to comprehend how it works is just so concerning because I know stupid people who have 'invested' in it. The word 'scam' often enters my deeply paranoid brain when talking about bitcoin, but in reality scams are everywhere. The amount of spam I see daily - and I have more blockers on my computer than I have underpants - is phenomenal, so god knows what friends of mine with as much internet tech savvy as my dog are seeing? Some scams are just so obvious, but we live in a world where some people have so little to make them happy that they think that sharing a post about a motorhome being given away will, this time, be real. It's going to take a lot to change the way we depend on something that makes us so vulnerable. Our money simply isn't safe; our personal data isn't safe. Your children aren't safe. Tell me again what is actually good about the internet...

Yes, it is a wonderful resource. It's great as a retailer. As a source of entertainment. Storage capabilities and ease of use remove our dependence on physical computers and hard drives. The list of positives is long and totally useful. But allowing humans to interact with each other in a world that has been gradually getting much worse to live in is going to be the death of us. It won't do the death and destruction but it will 'televise' and propagate it. Everybody loves a funny meme; to be part of something 'woke' that has helped friends, local needs or charities is good. Being in an on-line community that has allowed you to make friends you would never have made is fantastic. The internet has been so unbelievably positive for me and many others, but it has also changed us. We are addicted to it and your children are either going to adapt and change it or they will be consumed by it. I think of the people who I will lose touch with if Facebook and other social media pages were switched off and, with the greatest respect to many of my on line friends, those I want to stay in touch with I have their phone numbers and I just love an actual chinwag with old friends. I don't do it enough - neither do you. We don't have times for the real world because we're consumed by a little screen that makes us unhappy. Maybe the world needs the thing that probably kickstarted this entire merry-go-round, maybe it needs its friends being reunited IRL.  

The internet really has become something we can't live with but can't live without. It is the monosodium glutamate of the soul. The Fear Of Missing Out [FOMO] has become the single most damaging aspect of a person's life - especially if their only outside contact is via a social media app. We can literally order a coffee via the net, as well as our food, our entertainment, our potential sex partners and future spouses. The only thing the internet can't give is a personal service - it can't serve you in a pub; it can't replicate the need for food and drink; it can't actually give you an orgasm, it just facilitates it. Everything is on-line. Your school reports, your health history, your buying habits, your peccadillos, your likes and dislikes. The internet is effectively a huge benign Big Brother with the capabilities of allowing someone with the right skills to ruin your life.   

The internet is a very bad thing when you weigh the pros against the cons. If you took away peoples ability to interact with each other it wouldn't be the same, but it would be safer and would prevent the spreading of hate and false information. If you could ensure the security of a person's life or finances it would be a fabulous tool and would help retailing rather than kill it off. The problem it is in the hands of sociopaths with a money-at-all-costs fixation and ultimately that screws all of us. The people who run the internet simply don't care about its users, if they did it wouldn't already be a disgusting and unsafe place. Maybe we need to switch it off to give future generations a chance?

My Cultural Life - Grim and Gritty

What's Up?

Fed up with me being all serious and shit in this opening segment? Then fear not, this week levity is far more important. The world is a shit place and we have no control over it. It is full of idiots - literally and the internet and social media are full of people whose self-importance knows no bounds. The sad thing about people, especially on social media, is many of them believe the entire world is reading their posts or comments. They have a lack of awareness and therefore think they are the centre of the universe, rather than simply the centre of their own universe.

The thing is, it's summer, we're having weather that is erring on the side of good rather than the usual damp, dreary and cool we seem to get lumbered with most years and where I live is so much better than where you live because while we had 29 degrees here last Saturday, it was better than what you had. I write this on Sunday night - the last blog went live about 30 hours ago - and it is still 25 degrees in my bedroom, the fan's on and tomorrow it won't be a heatwave any longer. I used to love heat, but yesterday I sat out in it for about 25 minutes and ended up feeling quite shitty, so today I went and stood in the sea (because it's right on my doorstep and because I can).

Wimbledon's over. The Club World Cup has finished (and Chelsea fans will, yet again, be really annoying). There's more cricket and golf to come and in Scotland the fucking football season has started, while Chelsea (them again) have literally only just kicked the last ball of last season - in fact Scottish football started 48 hours before last season officially finished and the qualifying rounds for the coming season's European competitions have also already started. It's like there's never any break from anything any more. Once upon a time, for two years in every four, you could at least look forward to most of June and all of July before football dominated everything. Like politics, misinformation and the threat of something awful happening, football never stops.

So fuck it, let's talk about something positive for a change...

Um... Er... 

Harrowing

Mystic River - a Clint Eastwood film - is about the murder of a 19 year old girl - Emmy Rossum, who was actually just 16 when she made this - and the fallout from the investigation handled by local cops Kevin Bacon and Laurence Fishbourne. It is one of the most harrowing movies I have ever seen as the girl's father - local organised crime boss Sean Penn struggles to cope and decides to take the law into his own hands. One of the chief suspects is Dave Boyle - Tim Robbins - a friend of both Penn and Bacon's characters from 30 years earlier. He is a disturbed man who was the victim of a paedophile when the boys were playing street hockey as kids. This is a superb film which leaves you guessing for most of it and then when it becomes clear who probably committed the murder it lurches into a dark and twisted place that you could always see coming but hoped wouldn't. I completely understand why this has such a high rating on IMDB and I'm amazed it's taken us 22 years to finally watch it. It's worth a 9/10 but... it will leave you with questions.

No Time For Bollocks

I want to say that all James Bond films should be like No Time To Die but it wouldn't be much of a franchise if that was the case. Where did this come from? What a cracking film it was despite being a 007 thriller and yet it felt more like a classic Bond movie than the previous four - what with its bad humour, funky gadgets and exotic locations. The thing was for a 2½ hour feature it absolutely pelted along. Rami Malik was a deranged and ludicrously insane Bond villain; most of the gang from the previous four Bond films popped in, some of them died and I'm still reeling - yes, actually shocked - about the ending. I mean, really? I never saw that coming and it's been four years since it was released and six years since it was made and I never knew that that happened. I'm not even sure I agreed with it, but wow what a way to finish this part of the franchise. Basically, an even worse bastard than Blofeld takes it upon himself to steal a weapon, designed by the Brits, and wipes out Spectre and then targets just about everybody who is anybody. This is a seriously good film; the best Bond movie of the lot and an absolute 9/10.

Party Hard

The one thing that comes across when watching Michael Winterbottom's 24 Hour Party People is what a difficult watch it is. It really is a tough movie to like and I didn't really feel any affinity with any of the characters - except maybe Paddy Considine's Rob Gretton. Steve Coogan started off sounding like Tony Wilson very accurately, but as the movie dragged on his accent became more Jimmy Savile and less mercurial Mancunian. Despite this being essentially a biopic, which even featured the late Wilson in a cameo role, this film wasn't particularly flattering towards Wilson, or for that matter most of the people in it (although if Peter Hook's general reaction to the slide of Joy Division's Ian Curtis is anything like the truth I can see why the rest of New Order want nothing to do with him any more). There is an interesting story told here but in a slightly obnoxious way and Winterbottom's trademark of letting his characters break the fourth wall is actually the most grating thing about this talented director's work. It's a film I'm glad I've finally seen, but my lack of real interest in the Madchester scene of the 80s and 90s meant that a lot of the characters portrayed in it came over as complete cunts. 5/10

Kidnapped?

I'm going to try and do something different with The Institute. The reason became clear for me when I was reviewing Murderbot over the last ten weeks. I don't think it was helpful and I think I would have rather watched it all and then reviewed it, but with weekly series that is more difficult than, say, with a box set type series. I also want to try something different with this because I am familiar with the source material so I know - generally - where this is going. So, despite the long intro, what are my thoughts on the opening episodes? Well, it's funny really because the book is quite up front about certain things, whereas the series seems to want to try and breeze over things or be a little enigmatic, probably for more dramatic effect. The Institute is suitably creepy and the people who run the place are coming across as nasty and sadistic as they did in the book. Ben Barnes' Tim, the former cop who seems to be running away from something in his past isn't bad considering I have a problem with his general acting ability - he was the least believable thing in The Punisher series. It's going to be an interesting ride to see if they stick to the book as they've changed one key thing already - the geography of things. Yes the Institute is in Maine, but Tim was half a country away and a lot of the book was Luke - the young protagonist - and his journey to find the man who would be his saviour. I'll return to this further down the line.

Lost Hope

I know I often ask this question and if I had an/some American readers perhaps they'd try to answer it for me, but why would anyone in their right mind want to live in the USA? I mean, it's a fantastic country spoiled by about 50% of the people and why would anyone trust a police officer? We often hear complaints about British cops, but in the USA you often wonder what their officers do on a daily basis - other than pick on non-white people or women and eat donuts? The reason I'm back on this again is because we watched Lost Girls, a true crime drama about a woman whose daughter goes missing that eventually leads to the uncovering of a huge number of human remains, all belonging to women, yet the local police force seemed to want to spend its time bad mouthing the grieving rather than finding a killer. This is [another] harrowing and ultimately unsatisfying story that will have you wondering what the police actually do in the USA, because they're obviously not solving crimes. Amy Ryan plays the mother of a sex worker who literally has to threaten the Long Island police into doing their job and then has to continue harassing them even when a number of female remains are discovered near a gated community. This isn't a pleasant movie, but it is very well made and just leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth as you watch a re-enactment of police incompetence at its most useless. it's on Netflix and I'm giving it 7.5/10. It would have got more if not for the fact that it's an incomplete story - but that's no one fault bar the US police.

Nevermore 

The first thing I realised about The Raven was that it only had one American actor - John Cusack - and then I discovered it was mainly filmed in Serbia and Hungary. The rest of the cast was made up of British and Irish actors despite the film being set in Baltimore, Maryland in 1840. What it tries to do is fictionalise the last days of Edgar Allen Poe - Cusack - who died after being found raving and rambling on a bench in a park. He was just 40 years old and was a drunk and pretty much destitute, but this movie tries to turn his largely unknown last few days into a gory thriller where he teams up with a Baltimore detective - Luke Evans - to try and unravel the mystery of a serial killer using all of Poe's ideas from his short stories as his modus operandi. I remember being pretty unimpressed with this film when we watched it in 2012, but like many movies a second viewing proved to be far more enjoyable, especially given we didn't remember any of it, at all. Cusack hams it up and ramps up the melodrama, but he's also a class act, so his Poe is both charming and a snivelling shit. The rest of the supporting cast do an adequate job and the story would be great if it was based on anything like fact, but even so it's just about worth 100 minutes of your time, even if parts of it make little or no sense. 6.5/10

Big Flop?

A film written, co-directed, produced and starring Stanley Tucci, about a failing Italian restaurant in New Jersey in the 1950s seems like a guaranteed winner. Tucci is synonymous with Italian food and the film was co-produced by Oliver Platt, who plays the uncle financing The Bear - the brilliant series about a restaurant - and despite this being 30 years old it just seemed like a delightful movie to have discovered and watch. Tucci and Tony Shalhoub play brothers Primo and Secundo, who run the failing business. The bank are closing their line of credit and up the road their good friend Pascal is running a rival restaurant that is literally crawling with customers and he wants the brothers to work for/with him. The brothers are in an awkward situation personally and professionally, but Pascal concocts a plan to get Italian jazz legend Louis Prima to visit the brothers restaurant and help them kickstart the business, except Pascal is a successful businessman and more than capable of being a wolf in sheep's clothing. This is a genuine Indy film of the 90s; probably made on a budget of about $100 and it doesn't know if it's a gentle comedy or a light hearted drama, but it's got enough in it to stick with and while it looks dated, this actually adds to it. 6/10

Light My Fires

The fifth episode of Smoke, for me, needed to go somewhere. After the great opening two episodes, the last two seemed to tread water and go nowhere fast. It felt like we know what the two main characters are and how long it's going to be before both get their comeuppances. However, this part introduced Gudsen's former partner Ezra Esposito - John Leguizamo - who gives Calderon more wood to stoke her suspicious fire (if you'll pardon the puns). It also begins to show the viewer just what a lot of Gudsen's fellow fire people actually think of him and how he views himself. Taron Egerton is great in this series, but he's also playing a complete narcissistic arsehole and it seems that we got the impression that only Calderon thought this, but this is not the case. Then just as things start to get weird and interesting again, we get the second WTF ending of the series so far. I'm not sure if I love this show or if I despise the characters so much I need to find out how they eventually fall.

What's Up Next?

More of the same, plus Untamed, a new six part series about a murder in Yosemite National Park. We haven't gotten around to watching the Dexter reboot yet; the wife wants us to either have it all or most of it before we start wading into that (and given what I said here last week, that suits me fine).

The FDoD is getting low on content again and the Set Top Box Hard Drive has a number of things which are sitting there that I'm just avoiding. I'm going to have a weekend of watching some golf and going to the pub on Saturday night (I've turned down two opportunities this week to do that already) because we're celebrating living in Wigtown eight years today! 

As always...

My Cultural Life - My Word is My Bonds

What's Up?

We live in a country where money is tight - for a large percentage. The current government seems obsessed with targeting the lowest common denominator in terms of cash reserves rather than taxing those who already have enough and yet we also live in a country where literally if someone farts in a library we have a public inquiry about it. These things cost millions (sometimes more) and literally throw good money at something that is all too often as obvious as the nose on your face.

Take the public inquiry into the Southport murders in 2024. It will end up being a witch hunt designed to apportion blame onto the police - for not being more like Minority Report - and probably won't conclude that the reason Axel R did all those awful things is the lack of any government's spending for young marginalised individuals. What this murderer did was abhorrent, no one can deny that, but surely if you want to know why he did it and the reasons that led up to him doing it, then assign some specialist detectives to compile a report, not hold a very public inquiry, costing £millions which could have been spent in areas where radicalisation of our minority youth is most prevalent. Finding money from government to give young people something else to do rather than ignoring the rich in favour of picking on this month's minority du jour is probably the easiest way to help stop radicalisation. I mean, most people get radicalised because they don't feel they're getting enough from the system.

The only public inquiry we need is why we need so many public inquiries when we could just accept the reasons as a dereliction of duty by whatever government is in power to do anything for those who need it the most. But, hey, when there's rich people you can fiscally masturbate for their 'respect', then fuck those with nothing at all. That's how it works, isn't it?

Foster Psycho

It is being heralded as the best horror film of 2025, but to be honest I don't know if I've seen enough horror films in 2025 to compare it. That said, it will probably take some doing to be more disturbing and genuinely creepy as Bring Her Back. What is it with the Australians that they've developed a line in making horror films that are fucked up and leave you wondering about the minds of the people who make them? British stalwart Sally Hawkins is the star of this story about two children (from an abusive family) who are sent to a foster home after the unexpected death of their father and encounter much more than they bargain for. Their already shattered lives are about to become even more bizarre and unpredictable as Laura, the foster carer, swears, allows the kids to get drunk and has her apparent nephew Ollie wandering around the place in just a pair of shorts and a propensity for killing birds and eating them. Billy Barrett, who starred in the awful Apple TV show Invasion plays one of the siblings, the protective big brother to his partially blind step sister and he pretty much sees through Laura's rather psychotic and insane behaviour but because of his own problems it's not like anyone is going to take any notice of him. This is a great film that actually feels like it's a little too long because of the amount of time it dwells on the nasty elements. It could well be the best horror film I've seen for a while, probably since last year's Heretic and Hawkins is totally believable as the bat shit crazy foster mum. 8/10

Ponce of Dreams

It's been three years since season one and probably the best thing to have done would be to have watched it all again, but unlike some TV shows where this is a requirement, I slipped back into The Sandman's Dreaming quite easily (but that might be because I know the source material). So, is The Guardian right about season two, saying it's shite? Well, the Guardian is rarely on the same page as everyone else when it comes to anything in film and TV reviews. They seem to have a policy by which if there's an allegation made against a creator then you have a moral obligation to dislike any project their name is associated with. Should that make you hate something because of the creator? Should you be morally obliged to dislike any work of anyone who might be a sexual predator (or a murderer or paedophile)? This surely has to be something individuals should make their minds up about something acted, written or played - which is good or important. I'm not sure I can support  that form of indoctrination. This is what this paper's policy seems to be and I have an entire blog's worth of stuff, for another time, maybe. But you see, I saw little difference from season one to season two, apart from the fact that Gaiman is accused of being some kind of perverted monster. It's following the comics almost to the letter - with some artistic licence - and/so there's no drop in quality. It's still sumptuous to look at, it can still be painfully slow at times, doesn't conform to a regular idea of storytelling (he is the lord of dreams. after all) and there seems to be no discernible production change from season one (adored by the Guardian) and season two (despised by it), apart from it gets a bit flabby in the middle which I believed also happened in season one. On the whole if you watched season one then you need to watch season two, if you didn't then unless you intend to watch season one, what are you doing even reading this? The truth is it's good, adult fantasy and we're probably never going to see a conclusion to it because the creator of it is a cunt who wears black and terrorises women.

High Stakes Bollocks

On Sunday 6th July 2025 we sat down and watched a film that began with someone looking at a mobile phone with a message from 6th July 2006. It was strange, almost like it was destined to be. Also on Sunday 6th July 2025, the wife and I did something we have never done in the 42½ years we have been together - we watched a James Bond movie. Casino Royale to be precise; the first Daniel Craig Bond film and the franchise's soft reboot. The reason we watched it was after much debate, because we'd seriously never been interested in them, we decided to give the five most recent Bond films a try based on their reception, IMDB ratings, some of our friends being fans and the simple fact we're running out of things we have never watched. Neither of us went into this with any great expectations; we've never been fans of any of the numerous Bond films, in fact the wife may well never have seen one all the way through until tonight. 

My impression is simple, it was a really quite enjoyable film and had all the hallmarks of a Bond film, but given the Jason Bourne treatment. That is until the last 25 minutes when it went all wobbly and introduced things that had never been seen prior to the last 25 minutes. Yes, the notorious Mr White at the end had been seen at the start of the film and I suppose me, you and everyone else who watched it the first time thought he was working for the Bond villain, in this case Mads Mikkelsen's Le Chiffre, but after nearly two hours of enjoying a largely contemporary Bond movie, the denouement, for me, left a lot to be desired. It made little sense, but does what any good franchise does, sows the seeds for what's to come, but the entire 'epilogue' just felt like another film and therefore left me with no other course but to award this film a 6/10. 

Quantum of Bollocks

Quantum of Solace is essentially Casino Royale Part Two, but with no casino. It literally follows on from the end of Daniel Craig's first outing and therefore focuses on all the things I thought were either left dangling or made little sense. The strange thing is despite having watched the 'first part' just last night, I found this difficult to follow and largely uninspiring. Two Bonds down and I'm waning slightly. This time round it was simply a revenge thriller, despite Bond's protestations. He was after the people who were responsible for Vesper's death and this time it took him to South America and some nonsense about green energy and Bolivia. There were some nods to 007 films of the past and the usual elaborate chases and fight scenes. The thing was I wasn't impressed, found it a bit boring (and at 105 minutes that is not what you'd expect) and bitty, like nothing was ever dwelt on for more than a few seconds. I also thought it felt more... I dunno... Bondy. 5/10

Adele Theme Tune Bollocks

The odd thing about Skyfall - the third Daniel Craig Bond film - is that it makes more sense than the first two films and therefore feels more of a rollicking adventure. I did have some problems with it, but it was good, I suppose, to have almost a proper Bond villain in it, even if Javier Bardem's Raoul Silva was simply a mad gay guy on a revenge mission against M. This was essentially an ex-agent with a bug up his arse about Judi Dench and going hell for leather to have her offed while shoehorning 007 in for good measure. It was grittier than any of the two previous on Craig's list and Bond had a few more bags under his eyes and a world weary look about him and a lot of the logistics were breezed over with techno mumbo jumbo, but like the previous movie, this was again creeping closer to a traditional Bond movie, with the introduction of Q and Moneypenny. It was all right, probably the best of the three we've watched so far. 7/10

Blofeld Bollocks

The fourth Daniel Craig Bond film has the lowest rating on IMDB yet it was the easiest to follow and frankly was the most enjoyable one so far. A lot of that might have been down to knowing the characters and, at last, having a properly identifiable Bond villain, in the shape of Ernst Blofeld, doing what Bond villains do best, but with a far more nasty, borderline psychopathic element. The thing is Spectre is a good action thriller that left me asking possibly the most important questions so far: 1) where does he get all of his suits from and 2) how does he get from country to country so easily? He's either got the most generous expenses account or what we don't see is him breaking into the local equivalent of Top Man (or Burton's) and stealing loads of evening suits, bow ties and Aston Martins. While Blofeld was a good villain and the entire Spectre network was a cool idea, there was a contrived element about it all, especially the torture scene near the end, this felt like Sean Connery in Dr No all over again. Anyhow, this sort of tied all the earlier film together nicely and probably reflected how the world is run better than any fictitious thing you've ever seen before. 7/10.

Unexpected Treasures

After nine weeks of extremely short episodes, a lot of comedy and the hint of something sinister going on. A television series that seemed to get its name from how a security unit viewed itself finally concluded and it was absolutely note perfect. Murderbot has been enjoyable, but those first nine parts do not prepare you for the 33 minute finale, because it is a really wonderful half an hour; one that elevates the entire series into the realms of Apple TV+ classics. What I expected to be a ten minute epilogue turned into something quite sinister and a little unpleasant, but the space hippies - gawd bless 'em - pulled through and each and every one of them were fabulous. Alexander Skarsgård has been a bit monotoned throughout this but has also endeared himself to the viewer as well as his humans and they take on the company to ensure that justice is done. People you think are shits turn out to be heroes and the ending while probably not what many people who watched this would have wanted is absolutely on the button. I hope there's not a second season, not because I wouldn't watch it, but because this was a story that doesn't need expanding on. It takes its time but Murderbot is a real winner and I can't recommend it high enough. 

What's Up Next?

The final Bond film. Yet another series about serial killer Dexter Morgan - I loved this show when it originally came out. I struggled with the reboot from a few years ago and this seems like an idea stretched too far, but we shall see. More Smoke and probably some other things that I've made a mental note about and promptly forgotten. There's still also loads of sport to avoid.

As always...

 

My Cultural Life - Joy and Dog Poo In the Woods

What's Up?

You know you live in Britain when pop stars or celebrities who condemn what the Israeli Defence Force are doing get labelled 'terrorists' themselves. The problem the government, the press and their lackeys haven't cottoned on to is that most of the general public feel the same way as the pop stars and celebs. No one believes the bullshit coming from the people who are so clearly owned or have been bought by Jewish money. I'm sorry, that was anti-Semitic. I meant to say Zionist money. Oh yeah, it's anti-Semitic to say that as well. In fact you can't criticise Israel or the fucking Nazi cunts running their country without being accused of anti-Semitism, which we'd call racism if we were talking about anyone else. We've had to treat them differently since the Holocaust and we're not allowed to point out that what they now do to Palestinians is as bad as what Hitler did to Jews during WW2. The weird thing is there was this saying that accompanied the liberation of the concentration camps; that saying was NEVER AGAIN. Presumably, for a nation of people hellbent on repeating all of the mistakes their most recent oppressors made, they could do with a few lessons on how to ensure Never Again, never happens again...

If I die in mysterious circumstances in the coming weeks, don't whatever you do mention this blog...

In the Woods

Last year, I reviewed The Bear as an entire season breaking down each episode into its own paragraph, but because of how it fell, I've watched two episodes last week and the rest will undoubtedly be below these words... I kind of wish it would be released weekly over ten weeks because sometimes there's simply too much to talk about. This is the case with the third episode, which starts with Carmy totally accepting Syd's new scallop invention without criticism and nothing but superlatives; she's made up by it and seeing Ayo Edebiri smile is a thing of genuine beauty. Then this new, calmer and caring, Carmy spreads himself across his staff, being there to help, praise and mentor them without blowing a gasket. This ultimately leads to him going to Clare - his ex - and having a heart to heart with her. It might not have gone the way he wanted, but it did happen and I'd say there's reason to be hopeful that the missing component in his life might be coming back. And telling you this in no way should it spoil it for you because this is just the skin covering the meat of the show. Plus there was a lot of Donna (Jamie Leigh Curtis) and whenever Donna is in this show the chaos and drama is never too far away. This is so superb I'm running out of superlatives...

We ploughed through a big chunk on Sunday night, leaving us just four episodes to go. Episode four is all about Syd and her dilemma, it's pretty much a standalone episode for Edebiri and it ends with her seemingly making a decision about Carmy over Shapiro. Episode five was one of those unique to The Bear things, where the entire episode is like a staccato piece of music; short, sharp dips in and out of a day in the restaurant, with no one being the focus of the show - the perfect mid season point type episode, really. It's with episode six that you begin to see how the rest of the series is going to go. I'm not giving anything away. There is a scene with Neil Fak realising that one of the customers over the last few weeks has been coming in regular and leaving a different name all the time... 

The 7th episode, which is the customary long one is over an hour of gentle Berzatto family confrontations and humour. A completely polar opposite from the family episode from season two. It takes place at Richie's ex-wife's wedding to Josh Hartnett (in character) and it's another one of those snap shots of a dysfunctional family uniting. It was littered with the usual high profile guest stars, such as Sarah Paulson, Brie Larson, Bob Odenkirk and Jamie Leigh Curtis and we might have witnessed the rekindling of Carmy and Claire's romance.

Watching the two penultimate episodes of season four it dawned on me that I'm probably watching the final episodes of one of the best TV shows I HAVE EVER WATCHED, because I can't see there being an season five because so much has been wrapped up or is in the process of being wrapped up. All that remains for the last episode is whether The Bear, the restaurant, is going to remain open - the question being asked since season two. This has been what season four has been ostensibly about; everything else has just been 'other stuff' that needed dealing with. The 40th episode (and final?) of a story that started with Carmy returning to his brother's sandwich shop to pick up the pieces of Mikey's tragic death could end with Mikey, indirectly being key in the future of the restaurant. The season finale was essentially a three-hander which was jam-packed full of emotions, anger and all the reasons that have made this such a brilliant TV show. It might be the end of the line, and if it is it's a fitting ending, there might be a fifth season because you might argue there's one unresolved issue. If it is the end then thank it for being superb, for being the glimmering jewel in a sometimes soup bowl of shite. If you've never watched The Bear then it's your great loss.

Tear-Jerking Nail Biter

I get it. Most of the people who read this blog probably don't like football, but you'd have to be some cold and callous hater if you didn't find the finale of Welcome to Wrexham to be one of the most wonderful documentaries on TV. The conclusion of the fourth season should have been all about them gaining the prestigious back to back to back promotions - something no other club has achieved (the mighty Northampton Town came close in the 1960s) - but in this show's inimitable fashion it instead focused on a 12-year-old fan who is fighting for his life against leukaemia and what the club do to support the kid and his family. Honestly people, this might be a series about a football club but if Wrexham doesn't become your favourite team - or more likely second favourite team - then you have a heart of ice. A show where Ryan Reynolds should be the star but is constantly usurped by Rob McElhenney and his heart the size of a planet. This finale will have left very few people with dry eyes by the end.

Explanations?

Another 17 minute episode. This show is literally a weekly set up and main scene then it stops. Yet Murderbot this week started to explain what has been happening. I like this show, but I've found it challenging because of the run time alone. Anyhow, this week we find out that Sec Unit refers to himself internally as Murderbot. Gurathin continues to be so obstinately an arsehole that you have to wonder if he's the bad guy here trying to disguise this fact by acting like the bad guy and arsehole and Sec Unit finally takes control and the space hippies (or at least most of them) begin to realise that the android is actually on their side even if he's not sure himself.

Seriously though , when you have a ten-part series and the first eight parts have almost 20 minutes of material per episode it's difficult to think of new headings or things to say about it. However, when the penultimate episode is over 25 minutes long, that extra five minutes is a remarkable thing. This week's Murderbot broke with convention to enable the space hippies and Sec Unit to devise a plan to escape. We find out about the strange thing that Mensah saw in episode three and meet the people who have been terrorising them. Murderbot has a secret plan but he's neglected to tell the humans because he knew they'd screw it up for them all. I'm thinking the final part very short but in general this has been an enjoyable if a bit weird series.

I See Fire

To be honest, the opening episode of Smoke from Apple TV+ was... okay. I know there's a lot of vibes about this series about arson investigators, loosely based on a series of podcasts, but the opener felt a little half-baked [ahem]. Maybe it's because the two main characters, played by Taron Egerton and Jurnee Smollett are portrayed in such a passive aggressive way, full of bullish experience and useful knowledge. Eggerton's Dave Gudsen wants to be a writer and is so good at his job he has two serial arsonists running around his town. Smollett's Michelle Calderon is being punished for breaking off an extra-marital affair with her captain and this is as low as he can send her. Dave is happily married but it doesn't stop him looking at the athletic Michelle like he'd like to make the beast with two backs with her and all the time we have an arsonist who targets the crisp sections of supermarkets and another who utilises used vegetable oil to burn down houses and things he's envious of.

However, it's the second episode that so full of WTF moments you almost have to check yourself to make sure you're still awake. Nothing in this series is what it seems and when Calderon - a supposedly good cop - does something remarkably fucking stupid you start to wonder where this series is going, especially as it is following the story that was detailed in a true crime podcast; so there isn't much in the way of artistic licence at play here. However, as you marvel at the unbelievable goings on of the police officer, the end of the episode delivers one of those sucker punch things that make you wonder how this is going to last three episodes let alone nine. There is a genuine jaw dropping, I didn't see that coming, moment that will make this series all the more worthwhile. I totally get why the reviews I've read are all over this like a rash...

Thunderpants?

The second MCU box office flop of the year is actually a half decent movie, even if it feels oddly paced at times and not really a Marvel movie. What we did get to see is how they literally showed the entire film apart from the denouement in trailers leading up to the release of this feature. The scenes in the place they meet Bob; the limousine scene, the Watchtower scene, the Void's entrance - all are covered in the trailers and they are the main set pieces leading up to the finale. The trailers pretty much gave us an out of chronology outline of this film - they were teases of each major set piece with some of the spaces in between. It makes you wonder about the purpose of trailers or releasing clips prior to release. In the end it detracted from the movie's possible impact. 

Anyhow, this movie never dwelt on the issues that could have bogged it down and if Florence Pugh was the star of the film then that was a gamble that worked as far as I'm concerned. Pugh is fine as Yelena; a good 21st century hero, not white, not black but never really grey. The premise is relatively simple; all of the powered and non-powered individuals recruited by Val de Fontaine over the years have been hired to kill each other at a secret facility. No one knew Bob was going to be there, not even Bob. Yelena, Taskmaster, John Walker and Ghost quickly realise they've been set up and team-up to escape. This brings them into contact with Bucky Barnes, now a US Congressman, and the Red Guardian. Eventually it builds to the inevitable confrontation with Val and her new sidekick, Super Bob. 

This was different. It had no big battle scenes and didn't suffer for it. The disparity between Sentry and everyone else was a bit Superman-ish and if I had to criticise the film it would be that considering it was just over two hours long, you're halfway through it without much happening at all. Normally this would be a good thing, it would suggest the film is interesting without having to be all pyrotechnics and soul searching. However, apart from some dialogue to fill in people who hadn't seen any of the films or TV shows that most of the cast emerged from, not a lot happens aside from Yelena's unhappiness. There is a sense of superficiality, which doesn't help matters and while I enjoyed it far more than any of the last few films, I can see why audiences were poor. There isn't really a focal character you want to get behind and the actual proper villain is essentially a huckster. I'm not sure introducing Sentry was a good idea, especially with a reboot around the corner. I'm still going to give this movie a 7.5/10. It's second viewing may well be its defining moment.

Assisted Dying

Anthony Hopkins was 77 when he made this film; Jeffrey Dean Morgan probably hadn't been cast as Negan in the Walking Dead and Abbie Cornish was one of the eye candy in Sucker Punch, the Zack Snyder film many people conveniently forget. They were the three main stars in Solace a film about a serial killer with a special ability and the FBI specialist, who just happens to be a psychic brought in to try and help capture him. It sounds far fetched and to be honest Cornish's anguished and overblown acting didn't help, but this turned out to be a very intriguing and brutal movie; one that was well worth watching and one we thought we'd seen before, but perhaps were put off of it for a reason that is a decade old and long forgotten. While this is a film about a serial killer it's also one about death as well and the relationship between the killer and the dying. Colin Farrell, as usual, is superb in it - he rarely makes a dodgy movie - and it's all tied together extremely well, making it hard to believe everything you just watched took place in 100 minutes. It might have been a little far-fetched but it wasn't trying to be anything other than a cracking thriller. 8/10

Heads on Sticks

Seriously, it's not often I'm lost for words, but after sitting through Heads of State I found myself looking and sounding like a fish out of water. I remember turning to the wife and saying something about it being appalling, but in general I was left with the overwhelming feeling of how do I convey just how fucking awful, non-sensical and unfunny this action comedy was. There was so much wrong with it; so, so much. Like that load of horse shit I watched a few months back with Viola Davis as a kick-ass ex Green Beret women President who singlehandedly takes out a terrorist attack in a film that was so bad I forgot its name. Well, this was much worse. John Cena plays the POTUS - a former action hero who everybody loves. Idris Elba plays the British PM, who has been in post six years and is sliding in the polls. Priyanka Chopra-Jonas plays an MI5 agent and also love interest of the PM and Paddy Considine plays a Russian arms dealer who appears to be able to circumvent everything and everyone... When people make films like this have they any idea of the small armies that accompany the likes of the President and every other head of state? Or do they think that the people in charge of countries take a couple of bodyguards and fuck all else? This felt like it was made by a UK production company, there were only really about three actual American actors in it and was probably filmed in Bulgaria, where its cheap. This was execrable. It was dog shit in between your toes. It is a cold bag of vomit poured down the front of your face. If you watch it you will know this, but you will have had to watch it to realise how right I am. 1/10. 

* The Guardian gave this FOUR stars out of Five. The Guardian is a fucking joke**.

An Aside

** In 2023 when The Sandman premiered on Netflix, the Guardian was all over it like a rash. They loved it, calling it 'thinking person's fantasy' and hailing it as one of Netflix's best ever shows. In 2025, with many unpleasant allegations directed at Sandman creator Neil Gaiman, the second series, which was finished a while back, finally dropped. The ever populist Guardian, always contrary and annoying, thinks the new series is awful and all the things it liked about season one it now hates. Now, I can't remember if I really liked season one (I think I did), but I will say I wasn't a fan of Gaiman when it was released because I've never really been a fan of his work, but I didn't let that sour my feelings towards the show. It's clear from The Guardian's two star review that this was a review about Neil Gaiman and not the show. I will review The Sandman next week.

Ironfart

It is possible that a first might be achieved. The first MCU/Disney TV show that I have given up on before I've finished watching it. Ironheart didn't get a bad review last week, at least it wasn't as bad as, say, Heads of State, but after watching the fourth part of this awful TV series, I couldn't face watching the fifth and sixth parts. In fact I opted for the above mentioned shite film, which despite it getting a 1/10 score, I enjoyed marginally more than Ironheart. There is just so much wrong with this series, from the fact we have a literal genius on the same level as Tony Stark and Shiri from Wakanda, who decides to team up with bad guys to make some money, when she could have gone to any company in the world and have money pissed all over her. Maybe it's the characters and mish-mash of technology and magic, or possibly the tone of the entire thing, which just felt wrong. I see why Disney dropped all six episodes over the space of two weeks. What I can't see is why they bothered at all. Surely trashing the thing would have been better? I may never watch the last two parts. It might be something that I look back on in the future and think I'm glad I didn't do that because I saved enough time to have one more massive wank...

Super Man

The biggest drawback with Hancock, the 2008 'superhero' movie with Will Smith, Charlize Theron and the fabulous Jason Bateman is the plot/story. As an concept it's quite brilliant with some really funny set pieces, but the rather stodgy and difficult to believe reasons for it are what drag this down. There are some dodgy special effects, but in general they're pretty good and it never really dwells too long on anything, preferring to rat-a-tat-tat its way through the first hour. It's Charlize Theron's Mary who's the real problem; once you find out who and what she is you have to wonder why she settled for essentially a bleeding heart Liberal whose career as a PR man is obviously on the wane. This is Jason Bateman's role, as a man whose life is saved by the titular hero Hancock and feels it's his job to reinvent the superhero who causes more trouble than he solves, is permanently drunk and doesn't remember who or what he is.

Once we delve into the whys and wherefores of Hancock and then the history of the character, the holes start to appear and boy are they big enough to throw a Hulk through. The thing is this is a laugh out loud movie at times; the opening half is light hearted but violent and has a definite arc that is easy to follow. Once the film has lost that 'innocence' and starts to go down the actual road it's supposed to take it loses its way. It becomes quite a dark and tragic story that is dealt with in an almost tonally wrong way. That's not to say it isn't a good feature, one that gets shown on TV somewhere most years. I got the impression that it could have been a defining superhero 'parody' had it a slightly better story, one that can't be picked apart with little scrutiny. Still worth a 7/10 though.

Old Shite 2

17 years after Hancock, Charlize Theron, stuffed full of Botox, collagen and all manner of lifts was back in a sequel to a relatively trashy Netflix film from a few years ago. The Old Guard 2 is a sequel we managed about ten minutes before I called time on and stopped it. We'd forgotten most of the original and this didn't do enough to remind us of what happened - I suppose as it's on Netflix, they just thought you'd go and watch the first film again and carry on with this like nothing else happened. Anyhow, it was poorly acted and we didn't watch enough to know what it was going to be about, but as it was so bad we didn't need to. It would be nice if one of these streaming platforms actually made a decent film rather than this kind of junk.

Phone Dump

We ended a mixed week with a pretty dreadful thriller. Starring no one we'd ever heard of, although the wife remembered Brandon Sklenar from a TV series we stopped watching; Drop was one of those films where after 45 minutes you're wondering how the fuck they're going to string it out for another 45 minutes. It's one of those movies where you start wondering why everyone in the film is behaving the way they are and I'm not talking about the main protagonist - played by Meghann Fahy - but almost every other character. Everything is done in such a way as to try and bestow melodrama and it kind of fails. Essentially, Fahy's character Violet is the survivor of an abusive relationship who is going on her first date in five years, with a photographer who works for the mayor and anything else I tell you will spoil it and where I thought this film was a load of shite, some of you might watch it and not want to know how it pans out. Suffice it to say, she is being manipulated by an unknown drop caller to do his evil bidding and she's managing to stall it to stretch the film out to 90 minutes. It's not very good; you could drive a truck full of Hulks through some of the plot holes and as a who's doing it thriller, it does have its merits. But, really, I should have watched something more interesting instead. 4/10

What's Up Next?

This coming Friday, Superman hits the cinemas. My go to Marvel heroes were always The Hulk and the Fantastic Four (long before I became an X-Men nut) and my main DC man was Superman, so this summer it's the battle of two of my favourites as the Man of Steel takes on Marvel's First Family at the box office. Do I have a preference? No, I want them both to be a success, but if you had to push me I'd say I wanted Superman to win, because he's Superman, purely and simply...

Next week we'll watch The Sandman to see if the Guardian is right (it won't be) and there'll be something new to moan about. Wimbledon will still be on, as will several football tournaments and probably cycling, Scottish football, golf and cricket to make the annual summer of sport whizz past in a flurry of old films and shit TV shows we'd ordinarily never watch.

As always...