My Cultural Life - This Means Phwoar!

What's Up?

It would be remiss of me to ignore what is going on in the Middle East, despite my protestations, last week, that this needs to be more 'entertainment' driven rather than a soapbox for my opinions. I try to make my 'opinion pieces' as objective as possible because I'm only interested in the facts and, oddly enough, audit trails.

The anti-conspiracy theorist in me is quick to point out that conspiracies, the ones that usually are easily debunked, have audit trails. Take the fake moon landings, when this didn't happen in 1969, you would have needed an enormous amount of people in on the ruse. It doesn't matter who the person involved was - cleaner to manager - they would have to carry that secret to themselves for the rest of their lives or the worst things possible to their families and friends will happen. Because, let's be honest about this, to keep the faking of the moon landing a secret would be such a massive revelation and humiliation for the USA, you'd need to threaten everyone involved with more than an NDA.

Conspiracy theories have a logical trail and the weak link is people. If there really was damning 'evidence' against Donald Trump in the Epstein Files, at some point, someone working on these - however slimy a lawyer they might be - is going to slip up and mention it to someone or develop a conscience because they see what an inferno the USA is becoming. So, part of me doubts the memes and fake pages set up somehow linking The Donald to something that will bring about his downfall...

However 😁 what if the Great Dictator (we wish we had) could put himself in a position where ousting him as President is off the table? He's in charge now and he's prepared to go rogue to keep himself at arm's length from the attacks. He called out his own right-wing biased Supreme Court for betraying the USA by stopping his tariffs, so he went and imposed new ones, using some obscure war time law. His team have orchestrated this perfectly, from the Noble snub to the FIFA Peace Prize and the Board of Psychopaths for Peace. To the troubles in Minnesota - the least Republican state in the USA - and many other places, we barely hear about or register on people in the UK, because it isn't our problem and watching the USA has lost some of its car crash novelty. Many of us are now aware that his Overlordness is capable of fucking up the world and all the while He has his Mini Me in Israel helping achieve what He needs in terms of instability and a focus, far enough away from the USA, to minimalise the threats to home soil. And probably all because of the Epstein Files...

We're actually witnessing an attempt at creating The American Empire, by a man who is on the same level as Pol Pot in regards his humanity. Even the USA knew they were re-electing an old man with grudges. I think maybe it's why they elected him - put some jazz into politics; get a crazy batshit narcissist as President and sit back and enjoy the ride. I think the Average Joe in Shitsville, Kentucky is going to develop some weird nihilistic belief that politics and what they see on the TV is just one long soap opera. Joe will vote for the next most chaotic world ending event, despite an inner sense that it's just going to get bad for him. It's like people instinctively think we're in some mammoth game of Survival and we can't go forward without having some obstacles in the way.

And that is why I think we had a month of Iranian uprising earlier this year; probably paid for with CIA money; followed by loads of threats, out of nowhere, at Iran and then suddenly we have WW3. Let's not kid ourselves that this isn't a new world war. The Middle East; Ukraine; Sudan; the Congo; Somali; Yemen - all sponsored... er... involving the USA in some way. Then what has happened recently in Venezuela and Mexico plus the Greenland business; The USA has made a big move. If Iran falls to the King of the World, then you can believe that will drive him towards more conquests, because the USA will be at war and I'm sure there's something about war time Presidents and there being a mechanism to prevent them from being replaced, in the event of a coups. Or have him face any judgement at all for what might be in the Epstein files...

Because, at some point, it might be after he's dead, we're going to find out that there was a cover-up at the DoJ and damning evidence about him is going to come out. Or maybe it won't. Either way, it's too late.

Transformer: Badlands

It's like Predator except it's a giant machine, that makes... war! War Machine is actually quite an intense and relentless movie once you get past the gung-ho Americanism of it all. This is 40% training manual and 60% running away to stay alive, but it works even if Alan Ritchson is as big and wooden as Arnie. This is also a surprisingly entertaining film about the final group of trainee Rangers, on their final mission before getting their wings, who just happen to be in the middle of Nowhere, Colorado with zero ammo, no comms and a big fuck off alien war machine trying to blow them into bits. The opening 30 minutes is, in many ways, superfluous. It's a back story we don't really need (or want) about how Ritchson's character - 81 - is too old and too fucked to become a Ranger, but he's doing it for the man he left behind in Afghanistan. I suppose it gives us a bit of back story (that was never needed in Arnie's Predator - which this resembles in a post modern kind of way).

This is surprisingly visceral and if you're squeamish you might want to look away at some of the scenes, but it is paced incredibly well and I suppose it couldn't have been any other way - this was never going to be a poignant drama about soldiers debating life and death with a death machine. It sets itself up for probably a slew of sequels, depending on how popular this proves to be and I expect it will be watched by a lot of people, mainly because it has been made well and even though the special effects are limited - and the war machine looks very un-alien - there's another story here that people will want to see. 7/10

He's Got A Nail Gun!

I never expected to watch this movie, because I never expected to be dragged into these remakes of 20th century TV shows. But here we are and where we are is Denzel Washington in The Equalizer - a one man army film that, if I want to be honest about it, makes many other movies of its ilk pale into insignificance. I mean, this was really inventive and when the nail gun came out I almost squee'd with joy. I mean, the last time a half decent film had a nail gun in it was Lethal Weapon. This was essentially about an OCD former special forces turbo bastard deciding that the treatment of a call girl, he thought of as a friend, warranted him getting involved and after initially killing five Russian arseholes, he goes up against half of the Boston PD and most of the Russian Mafia and as there are at least two sequels to this you can guess the outcome. I have to admit that there is always a comedy element about one-man army movies and this did make me laugh, but it was more from delight and some really clever ways to kill people. I'm going to have to watch the sequels now... 8/10

Open Hearts Surgery

Too Nice!! It's just too nice! Shrinking continues to plough new depths of a 'lovely people well' as everybody is just so fucking wholesome, fresh and clean. Even Liz, with her caustic wit and violent threats, is just a big softy at heart. This week was one of those 'oh fuck, are they going to kill off #####' episodes. Which wouldn't have surprised me given that I still think Paul - Harrison Ford - is going to die at the end of this all, mainly because it doesn't matter how nice this show is, it has thorns and those thorns are sharp. So dolloping an early unexpected death on us would just have lulled us into a false sense of security... It doesn't happen though, but it's still a funny episode given all the love, the slightly autistic people and enjoyment all of these thoroughly disgusting beautiful people have each week. Get Apple TV+ there's much more than just this, but this is worth the subscription (says a man who has never paid for a subscription to anything televisual, ever).

Baby Blues

The best and most powerful episode of Paradise so far left us feeling like we'd been through a battle to get to the end of it. Heavily pregnant Annie - Shailene Woodley - really wants to go to Colorado, but she knows that Xavier has to go to Atlanta first, to try and find his wife. This means sacrifices have to be made, but it also leads to the two becoming close friends - not in that way - and relying on each other to get through. Annie's distrust of people is soon dispelled as Xavier proves to her that the world is more than just dangerous. Considering this was about babies and flashbacks to President Cal being a decent bloke, it was also quite unexpected and distressing. Hopefully this series will keep this up, but I can't help wondering what this entire subplot was trying to achieve. 

Monsters Inc.

Allegedly, Apple TV+ sent a memo out saying they've learned from their mistakes and season two of Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is going have more monsters and less boring convoluted nonsense with characters we don't give a shit about. The season two opener started with Kong, throwing an eppy at something and everyone panicking, while Kurt Russell is still stuck in monster fantasy world. People with good memories will recall that season one of this show started with Godzilla, who appeared twice more and none of his appearances added up to much more than a hillock of beans. There is a chance that Kong's cameo might be the same.

I struggled to stay awake and even though the end promised some interesting ideas, it just gives me the impression it's going to kick a few ideas around until next year's latest Kong X Godzilla bollocks is released. This feels like Agents of SHIELD did when compared to the rest of the MCU - like it exists but no one wants to talk about it.

Man With the Runs

Whatever happened to Paul McCartney? I mean, after the Beatles split up, what became on their bass guitarist? Well this nigh on two hour documentary spills the beans. How Paul became an organic farmer in the Scottish islands; produced experimental music no one listened to and eventually disappeared without a trace, never to be heard from again. Of course, barely any of that is true and he created Wings, eventually became a National Treasure and this film covers the years between the break up of his first band and the break up of his second band, which happened around the time John Lennon was murdered. Man on the Run is actually a bit dull, even if the wife thought it was better than other crap we've watched recently. I'm not sure this reveals anything new; reintroduces us to some great solo and Wings songs and seemed to spend a long time trying to convince people that Paul was progressive; a hippy and Linda was much maligned; that's about it. 6/10

Just For A Craic

Wikipedia says this about the film we watched on Sunday: "The Boondock Saints is a 1999 vigilante action thriller film about two Irish brothers who kill mobsters in Boston. The film was a box office flop but became a cult classic, leading to a sequel and a documentary." I totally get that it was a box office flop, probably because it didn't know if it was a comedy, an action thriller or something slightly surreal with a hidden message. It was a truly strange film that was superfluous, slight and was notable for having Norman Reedus playing one of the two Irish-Americans who kill bad guys. The other brother was played by Sean Patrick Flanery, while Billy Connolly had a smallish part in it as a hit man. The good thing about getting old and discovering films we haven't seen is that we're unlikely to watch the shit ones again. 3/10

3 Wise Homunculi 

I'm not a devotee of Mackenzie Crook (unlike the wife), but I was drawn to Small Prophets, a series about a man who grows homunculi in his shed in an attempt to find out what happened to his former partner, who disappeared many years earlier. Pearce Quigley plays the eccentric Michael Sleep, who works at a DIY store, visits his father (Michael Palin) in his care home and has an odd relationship with almost every woman in his life, whether it's Hillary, the lady at the care home, his next door neighbours or the cute and bubbly Kacey - played by Lauren Patel. When I say 'odd' what I really mean is it seems all of these women are attracted to Michael, but not necessarily sexually. It is gentle, funny, but not especially LOL and if it was an ice cream with a ripple running through it, the ripple would be slightly sad, tinged with tragedy.

Splendid Chaps

Sometimes, you just have to wonder how you can go 36 years without watching one of the - allegedly - best movies of all time. I mean, I've never seen Titanic and I waited nearly 25 years before I watched ET. Why I've never seen Goodfellas is probably down to the fact that gangster/mob movies never really floated any of my boats, even post Sopranos, I didn't really go out of my way to watch them. I think it was down to me never really enjoying The Godfather trilogy (and there's three films I have to rewatch if ever there was any). This, if you need telling, is about a Mafia 'crew' consisting of Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro and Ray Liotta, who pretty much have everything they want while running rackets on the East Side. It follows Liotta's Henry Hill, as he narrates his way through the story of his life with the mob and how, for at least 20 years, he was a favourite 'adopted' son, until he discovers that loyalty only runs one way.

It's got an 8.7 rating on IMDB, giving it one of the highest ranked films I've ever reviewed, but while it was entertaining and didn't feel overly long at two and a half hours, I wasn't as enamoured by it as others. This is a strange thing to say, but I wonder if it would have been made the same way had it been made in 2026? Obviously this is yet another of Scorsese's myriad of classic movies and I'm never as impressed with his works as others... Maybe I'm just hard to please? Anyhow, I've been torn between two ratings, so I figure a 7.5/10 is the best I can do. 

Trailer Trash Extra

Oh dear. I never try to get excited about trailers nowadays. Maybe 10 years ago, I was peak trailer buff; now, I take them in my stride and wait for the disappointment. The new two minute trail for HBO Max's Lanterns looks like it could be an absolute peach of a superhero series. Allow me to be a little self-indulgent; back when I was a kid and I collected comics and actually enjoyed reading them, I was a Marvel kid, I rarely looked at DC comics and only collected one. However, there was another DC comic that I was drawn to occasionally, the  Green Lantern comic, especially during periods where it was written and drawn extremely well, it introduced me to what was in many ways the most grounded, yet cosmic comic I ever read. It was a comic with swathes of shite and comedic creations by the ring of power, but every so often, Hal Jordan and his subsequent replacements and additions were involved in some fantastic stories (that would all probably feel dated and simplistic in 2026) and dealt with some odd issues.

I liked the Green Lantern film with Ryan Reynolds, I can't really understand the hate for it and while Reynolds wasn't how I visualised Hal Jordan, Kyle Chandler, who is assuming the mantle, is absolutely bang on. Aaron Pierre works as John Stewart, updated for now instead of the 70s and 80s, when he sported a shocking afro. The thing is, this doesn't look like a superhero series; this is being depicted as a battle between two men and a town where something is obviously very wrong. There is a glimmer of what has been omitted from this trailer and I suspect that is on purpose. Make people want to see it through the very good editing in the snippet released and not because there will be people who create stuff with green light. It will be on streaming in August, so, you know, I'm not that bothered about it that I'd want it to be August already.

One Minute After Another

Another Oscar favourite bites the dust and leaves us feeling like we've woken up in another reality, one where people rate shit films. One Battle After Another is over two and a half hours of allegory and arseholes and what is it with this year's Oscars that dislikeable characters are getting all the nominations? My niece said recently, about this film, "that's two and a half hours of my life I'm never getting back," and she wasn't wrong. Leonardo Di Caprio plays a former revolutionary, who gets dragged out of his retirement when an old adversary comes back and puts his daughter at risk. It was just one fucking long slog, stuffed full of wankers, racists and arseholes. I mean, it was supposed to be a 'dark comedy', but what the actual fuck? It was just loud, boring and generally full of characters who didn't seem clever enough to be radical revolutionaries... People apparently really enjoyed this film? Maybe they just wanted to sound like they think they're cool? 4/10

What's Up Next?

More Monarch, much to the wife's 'delight'. More Shrinking, much to my actual delight. More Paradise which has been much better than season one but I can see the wife's eyes glazing over and that's never a good sign.

There will be films, because we have a shedload of them on the new and improved Flash Drive of Doom. There's even some old TV series (and some new ones too) that we could give a go.

That is providing there is still a world left next Saturday...