Oink oink cough splutter die

Imagine this: swine flu mutates and becomes a global mega-pandemic killing off 95% of the population of the world - ala Captain Trips from The Stand - except because there isn't really a god, so there won't be one last battle between good and evil for the fate of the world. The 5% who survive are likely to be those who have had influenza vaccinations, giving them more protection against the rampaging virus than Joe Average will have.

The 5% who survive will be over 60 years of age, or suffer from bronchial conditions such as asthma - which means that I'd survive - who get NHS flu jabs as a matter of course every autumn.

What a fantastic premise, eh? The world gets left to a bunch of ageing cripples and sickly 40 somethings. Can you imagine it? The future of humanity in the hands of crumblies and the future of mankind in the loins of people with chronic respiratory problems.

One would think that these survivors would be heading for their nearest hospitals - not for treatment as all the doctors will be dead, but to set up residence in the only places that can keep them alive for a few more years. One has to hope that of the septuagenarian survivors there will be electricians, plumbers, engineers and go-to-it individuals who can keep the power going, at least until they can teach the asthmatics how to do it.

Of course, having already been turned into a seedless Jaffa, I wouldn't be much good to the future of civilisation, so they could always make me President. Of course, if they bestowed this honour on me the first thing I'd do is get anyone able to do medical research to develop more flu vaccines, because by the next winter, if another flu bug surfaces, our merry band of ancient survivors will all get killed off by that.

If that works, I'd ban all the oldies from growing flowers, they damn well need to grow more veg. I'd target the frailest most timid old woman to become keepers of the abattoir and encourage vegetarianism among my followers. I'd also send squads of survivors to all the chemists in the vicinity and get them to hide all the purple rinses - we don't need distractions in this post-apocalyptic world.

Naturally, this wouldn't happen because all of the suits in Whitehall will have had flu vaccinations already, so as well as OAPs and people with breathing problems, the world will be over run with politicians, their wives, families, mistresses, boyfriends, housekeepers and psychiatrists. So, my first job would be to train these geriatrics into a crack murder squad to hunt out these people and kill them, while kidnapping their child-bearing women for lives of servitude to my hordes of lecherous old bastards. But, this will all be done for the safety and future of mankind.

I might have swine flu, I have flu symptoms and I'm craving a bacon sandwich...