The MCU: Ranked: By Me

I've wracked up over 100 hours watching, re-watching and writing about the Marvel Cinematic Universe. You could probably double that number if you included reading articles, watching videos and however else you absorb this kind of guff, so I feel in a good position to dazzle you with an extremely pointless list of how I rank the MCU films. Obviously no one is going to agree with me because my least favourite is one of my mate's favourites and there's few surprises in this, apart from how lowly I rate Spider-Man.

So let's get cracking... Lowest to highest ranked:

Eternals: had this not been an MCU film I still probably wouldn't have rated it as a good film, it was too long, too sprawling with too many ideas underplayed. None of the main protagonists were interesting enough for me to give a shit about and it felt like a vehicle to introduce things rather than move any story forward. Maybe I'll change my mind in the coming years, but at the moment this is one MCU film I'm in no real hurry to watch again.

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings: I simply didn't like this film. I didn't like the characters, the story, the world building or the special effects. I don't really like martial arts films and this film was far too dependant on elements unrelated to the actual story. I'm not in much of a hurry to watch this again either as it was too dependent on Kajus having a fight than it was with furthering the MCU story.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2: or half a dozen characters in search of a story. Another film that seems to thrive on poor special effects, bad plotting and lots of good faith. It's a mish-mash of a film, has too much going on for its own good and seemed to keep none of charm from the first film. Volume 3 needs to be good.

Ant-Man and The Wasp: or half a dozen characters in search of a coherent film. I know these films have a place in the big picture, but this felt tacked on, especially as it came out after Infinity War, but this franchise feels like it would have been better done as a Disney+ series. I'm not overly familiar with the rebooted Ant-Man from the comics, but casting too over-aged actors in the role of the superheroes seemed like a poor choice, especially Evangeline Lily who would have been too old when she was in Lost.

Ant-Man: beats its sequel on the grounds that it was a bit of fun but felt more like a surreal big budget reboot of Land of the Giants. I like Paul Rudd but he's nearly as old as me.

The Incredible Hulk: I have a soft spot for this film and I expect it will take on more importance now that the Abomination is being reintegrated back into the MCU, but it was a cheaper, less frills remake/reboot of the failed Ang Lee project which actually was tacked onto the MCU by a quirk of release dates and luck. In many ways the post credits scene is the best reason to watch this film.

Spider-Man: Far From Home: I didn't like this, but I don't really like Spider-Man films (see blogs passim) and there was far too much wrong with the entire premise that fails to work with me, plus being the first post-snap film it did, IMHO, a poor job at explaining the physical/mental juxtaposition the returnees were exposed to or how the world's population doubling overnight affected things. I know they touched on this in the Falcon TV series, but this sets a bit of a precedent of breezing over a massively devastating and important event rather than simply resetting it back to point zero. But that wasn't the point of this or any subsequent Marvel film and I'm nit-picking. The problem with this film is there's much to like about it until you start to analyse it and then it starts to unravel. 

Iron Man 3: Oddly enough, over the last few years this film has risen in the ranks of the countless websites that do this kind of list, while the second film has plummeted like a stone. There's much to dislike about IM2 but not as much as there is with this. I'm not a fan of Shane Black and his style nor do I like films that take liberties with Marvel continuity for the sake of it. Outside of the action and the main plot it's not a bad Iron Man film and RDJ is brilliant as usual.

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness: realistically, this film should be way lower on my list than it actually is, mainly because it's an awful film. However, time often changes ones mind about things and there were moments in this film that were good fun, even if it should have been called Doctor Strange versus The Scarlet Witch. Barely a multiverse was touched while Earth's actual (alternate) mightiest heroes were offed with barely a thought by a Wanda who obviously wasn't this powerful when she faced Thanos otherwise we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. So it's all her fault.

Thor: The Dark World: I like this film. I think it does a good job at fleshing out some characters and it rocks along at a decent pace. Much of the great work Kenneth Branagh did on the first film was lost and the sense of awe and wonder seemed to disappear, but it isn't the worst film or one of the worst films - I think this is just nerd talk and frankly since when did nerds have any real taste?

Black Widow: So redundant, so badly cast, such an anti-climax. Why wasn't this film done three years earlier when it was relevant and people gave a shit? Don't get me wrong, with the exception of Ray Winston this is a good action picture with some nice touches, it just felt so pointless ... it could have been the superhero equivalent to Citizen Kane and people would still have avoided it or criticised it - it should have happened when Natasha was popular, not dead.

Spider-Man: No Way Home: The underlying theme, for me, since hating Avengers: Endgame, is not whether I will enjoy the next new Marvel film, but how much I will hate it and this did a fine job at helping me to hate. I really don't like this film. I almost find it offensive. Why is it so high on my list then? Because... I suppose it isn't a bad film, it's well made but it just did nothing for me; it left me annoyed and like I've now seen eight Spider-Man films and with the exception of one scene at the end of Raimi's SM2 I've been considerably less than ambivalent about all of them...

Captain Marvel: My mate Mark has this theory that the MCU doesn't work unless Nick Fury is in it; however he excludes this film from his theory. This is another Marvel film that packs a punch but doesn't really deliver. It's another film that has fight scenes on subway trains or heroes crashing through roofs, or in other words lacks in originality. My personal belief with the MCU's 'cosmic' side is one of 'they won't do it right' and this does nothing to change that feeling. The film felt like an afterthought because you could have a Deus Ex Machina moment in Endgame without at least introducing the god in a machine before she arrives. This film lacks the warmth of other Marvel films, feels contrived and slightly undercooked - a bit of an anti-climax all told.

Iron Man 2: Here's a film that has actually dropped down my list and I suppose the reason is there's not really a knockout villain and the use of Mickey Rourke felt like a copout. Critics rate this very low, suggesting it has too much going on and fiddles too much with the original ideas at the end of IM1. I think it does what it needs to for the most and had there been a foe with a real threat then it might have got a better reception. I still rate it, but I now see some of its faults.

Avengers: Endgame: Huh? Really? Oh yes... For all the tear jerking scenes, the deaths of Natasha and Tony, the reunions, the third snap moment, this is just a remake of the Lord of the Rings films with superheroes and Helm's Deep could have been where the final battle took place. There is so much wrong with this film that I could write several blogs about it and never feel I've got the bug from out of my arse. It's a great film and I hate it with a thousand passions.

Spider-Man: Homecoming: I suppose my biggest problem is the sense of expectation only to be crushingly let down by the weight of those expectations. This film kind of felt like that, because this new MCU reboot of Spider-Man was going to drag out another old foe of Spidey's rather than resurrecting one of the iconic villains that have been hamfistedly fucked about with by countless directors and screenwriters. Don't get me wrong, the Vulture is actually quite good and the set up is totally understandable and justifiable; there's just lots about it (thanks to the film directly above this entry) that fails to work so is breezed over in the hope that 99.9% of people won't care. However, this is probably the best Spider-Man film of all eight of them.

Doctor Strange: We're entering a trio of films that I enjoyed but struggled with. The good Doctor's first outing is an enjoyable film even if much of what was set up in it played out completely differently given the way the actual Phases stories have changed with the success or failure of certain films. Take, for instance, the end of this film that suggests that Mordo will be playing a prominent part in subsequent Dr Strange adventures, possibly as his main antagonist. However, in terms of enjoyment and entertainment this puts the woeful sequel in its rightful place.

Black Panther: Here's another film that's higher up the list than I probably feel it deserves. Admittedly on the second viewing of this film I enjoyed it more than the first, but, dare I say this, it feels like this gets lots of praise heaped on it because it was a big studio doing a predominantly black film. I still don't think there's anything 'special' about it and if anything Chad Boseman didn't work for me. It also highlights too much how 'privilege' is expressed in MCU films. This is a film about power, wealth and privilege, it could easily have been set in an all-white boardroom. I also have a serious moral problem with the film and with Wakandan logic and left me asking the questions - is anyone poor in Wakanda and how can they live with themselves in the knowledge that most other African countries have struggled for centuries through white oppression and exploitation? I'm reminded of an old saying - never mind the quality, feel the width...

Avengers: Age of Ultron: Another film I like but it feels rushed and in need of being longer to really emphasise how badly they [read: Tony Stark] fucked up. I see what Whedon was hoping to do with this film, it was going to be the Avengers trilogy's Empire Strikes Back, the problem is I think Kevin Feige's vision for his films was causing problems for auteurs with visions, none more so than this. In the end it fails because no one really cares about the fate of Sokovia; we haven't invested enough time in Vision and the Maximov twins were a means to an end. It's a film that could have been so much more, but it still makes my top 10.

Thor: I still feel not enough time or effort was spent on the Destroyer, other than that this is a cracking film that has gotten better with age and probably because Hemsworth is slightly restrained and his bombastic nature is explored without the aid of big set ups. This is a film that restores/creates your sense of awe and wonder for the MCU... However, I will point out that we're talking 'gods' here and even gods have to take a shit; does Asgard have toilet cleaners, cooks, bottle washers, lackeys and servants? What are their lives like when the cameras are turned off? I could say the same things about Black Panther but this is a better film than that.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Hmm... It's a fun film, slightly flippant and rather ruined by Endgame (no surprises there then), especially as Gamora should have been with the Guardians of the Galaxy when she was scheming behind Thanos's back with the future version of her sister. The entire time paradox bollocks has for me fucked up Marvel well and proper. If things that have already happened have already happened so going into the past creates a new now rather than an old then, what happens to the old then? Think about it, Gamora was probably on a prison ship with her new friends at the same time she was confronting Nebula in Endgame - I don't even want you to try and explain this to me because I've read and watched and understood more about theoretical time travel than anyone I know and it can't happen. When it's suggested in Endgame that you could go into the past and kill Thanos as a child, this is dismissed as stupid or won't work - why the fuck won't it? If Thanos no longer exists in a timeline then how the fuck can he exist in the timeline if he's been removed? And yes, I know this is my true frustration and has nothing to do with this film apart from the fact, in my mind, this film no longer can exist. I really didn't like the dance off scene.

Captain America: Civil War: A brilliant film spoiled by the tokenism of having Avengers fight Avengers on a deserted airport runway. I also don't like Spider-Man much (have I mentioned this?) and there was a cracking 100 minute film here that ruined by the same old shite that ruins so many MCU films. Everything still felt like it was spiralling out of control in the MCU when this film came out; this could have really made a big issue out of the Sokovia Accords and the Superhero Registration Act; it could have been as brilliant and tense as the film it follows, but commercialism won out big time.

Thor: Ragnarok: The thing about this film is simple - it's great fun, has some genuinely funny moments and feels like the story has been moved along and back on track; it's also quite a brilliant prologue to the next entry on this list. I've heard some poor things about Thor: Love & Thunder (the sequel to this) and how it seems to make flippant the deaths of characters, preferring humour over pathos; this got the balance right. There were genuine shocks - the deaths of the Warriors Three seemed almost like a pointless gesture - and any film that has the Hulk in it is usually elevated.

Avengers: Infinity War: I love this film. This really is the true Empire Strikes Back moment in the MCU and was the last time Marvel produced a really top notch superhero film. This is a film that literally offers futility from the opening scenes (death of Loki etc) right through until the snap at the end. It's a jaw dropping moment when half the universe's life disappears; it lays bare the real truth that the bureaucrats still fail to see - when you have villains who can wipe out half the galaxy with the snap of a finger, then you need the guns to stand up to them, this film offers you the futility of the fight and is loaded with menace from the word go. It's also funny, poignant and sad and part of me wonders what the MCU would have been like had they simply accepted defeat and got on with life without half of it being there?

The Avengers: Obviously Infinity War only exists because this does and the two films are remarkably well tied together, despite there being more of this in Endgame. It's a great little film about how they band together; it has nods to the original comic, it has enough in jokes and set ups to make you invested in the story and it has shocks you don't see coming. It also does a very poor job of extrapolating how and why Loki went from the character he was in Thor to this desperate, almost dug-addled looking lackey of Thanos (unseen as yet). It's still a cracking film with some splendid scenes.

Captain America: The First Avenger: The top three! I've never been a fan of Captain America; I probably disliked him more than Spider-Man and Batman together. Captain Amateur is what I called him when I had my comic shop. This could be my favourite MCU film of them all; there is so much to like about it, it's a cracking yarn in the mold of both Indiana Jones and the Dirty Dozen. The special effects are top drawer and everything about this film shines. I have some issues with it, but in general it's pretty much a 10/10 film.

Iron Man: The first and arguably one of the best. This never rates as highly on other lists as I rank it, but if you want to launch a new expanding cinematic universe this is exactly how you do it. This updated version of the comicbook origin from 1962 hits every spot, doesn't try to be too much or cram too much in and leaves you at a point where some films would have started. RDJ is the MCU - he owned it the moment he agreed to play Tony Stark. He owned it the first time he opened his mouth. It is a less rich and enjoyable universe now he isn't in it, but this film more than makes up for it. 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier: is this really my favourite MCU film? Probably not, but it is the best by a country mile. It's another film that's impact has been fucked about by Endgame's massaging of the timeline of when events actually happened, but the reason these films are so good is because you can forget everything that happened after 2019 if you want and just treat these as good films. This probably owes more to films like Bond, Bourne or even Mission Impossible than it does to superheroes and while the sense of jeopardy runs through the film like writing in a stick of rock, it never loses itself, even when everything appears to be turning to shit around Cap. It also has some classic scenes of destruction - a lot of shit gets blown up in Cap films...

I haven't seen Thor: Love and Thunder yet, but I expect that will rank very low on my list given what I've seen and read about it. I'll watch it in just over a week when it streams and I expect it will be a fun adventure that leaves me feeling hollow and unfulfilled at the end.

I could also rank the TV series, but I haven't got the inclination to spend more time telling you how awful Moon Knight was or why ensuring What If? is part of MCU continuity is a shitty low blow from a capitalist entertainment company, but I won't...

What I did notice was that the lowest ranked films in my list - on the whole - get off slightly lighter than some of the middling films. In retrospect, I suppose I'm saying that Avengers: Endgame and all the films that followed should be avoided unless you're young, fit and wealthy.