Today marks the 3rd anniversary of something unpleasant. No, it's nothing to do with Covid or the first UK lockdown although there were some tense moments as the two things coincided...
Around the middle of March 2020, I started to feel a bit shit. Dodgy guts, lethargic and generally like something was going wrong. None of the symptoms echoed what we knew about Covid then, so therefore I had something else wrong with me. What made it worse was it had taken a number of weeks to come on; this was something wrong that had been debilitating rather than sudden.
Our dear friend Luan had just moved here, the country was in lockdown, there was a pandemic afoot and I was feeling like I was being poisoned. I must be developing an allergy or an intolerance to a substance I've always been fine with. I internetted and Googled the symptoms and the first thing to go from my diet was wheat - for one week I avoided wheat and I still felt as shit as a shit thing. Then it was a week away from dairy and no change. Next on my list was caffeine; just the idea of going a week without coffee especially while dealing with an unknown problem was quite scary.
The thing was by the second day I was feeling as good as new and by day three we came to the horrifying conclusion that I'd developed an intolerance to caffeine or coffee and this was possibly the worst news I'd heard in my then 57 years.
I used to drink instant coffee, as strong as I could about 20 mugs a day between when I got up and 5pm, where I'd call it a day on my consumption to aid with sleeping, given caffeine has a half life of about six hours. This was arguably worse than packing up smoking because coffee was woven into the fabric of my life, in a far more personal and long lasting way - caffeine was my first addiction, nicotine was simply an upstart latecomer.
So, why is this relevant to whatever review I might be writing?
Last year, I had this genius idea of writing a blog entry that reviews all of the decaffeinated coffees I've tried; list all of varieties I've tried in a bid to fill the void created by my health requirements to drink unleaded coffee and to inform anyone else who might befall my fate. The problem with this idea is it doesn't really matter whether it's Aldi or Waitrose (which I haven't ever tried but I suspect it will be the same as everything else) because they are all literally shite.
I have tried everything I could lay my hands on, whether it's an instant or a ground variant. I'm not keen on wasting my money on ground decaf because with instant I'll force my way through a jar because I have no other choice, but with ground coffee the pfaffing about alone means I'm throwing money down the sink. I have tried Asda, Aldi, Tesco, Lidl, Sainsbury's, Douwe Egberts, Nescafe, Maxwell House, L'Or, Kenco, Morrisons, if there is a new or unseen decaf on the shelves I'm all over it like a rash, not because I love it so much but because I want it to be more like coffee rather than koffy, which is what decaf should be called. It looks like coffee, acts like coffee but isn't really coffee at all, therefore koffy.
Contrary to popular belief not all decafs are born equal; some of them are even worse than you can imagine. I have had mugs of koffy that have a slightly chemical aftertaste and some that don't really have any flavour at all. I've yet to find one that smells of coffee, whether in the jar or when mixed with hot water and I often think it's a good idea that I still have 1½ sugars in my hot beverages otherwise I might never drink a hot beverage again.
I did have a decaf from a coffee shop about 18 months ago that I thought was fantastic, however I now think after having had another shop bought decaf from a reputable source that the one 18 months ago might have been a mistake and it was real coffee because I now won't have a decaf in a café or shop because I might as well give them money to poo in a glass and then top it up with some hot water.
I always wanted a coffee percolator like what my dad had, but what's the point? Decaf coffee is vile in whatever shape or form it comes in. Alcohol free beer? Decaf coffee? What's the point?
So why do I drink it?
Mainly because I don't drink tea; I dislike herbal teas and I suppose the best analogy I can give is this: I'm a vegetarian, I have been for over 30 years. However, while I don't eat meat (or fish as a fish is meat) I do like sausage shapes or burger shapes. The reason for this is it's convenient and useful for putting inside the available bread products that are purchasable. It might be a throwback to my meat eating days but, honestly, who the fuck gives a shit? If I make veggie burgers I put them in a bread roll. Equally, I feel happy and comfortable having a mug of sweet, brown and hot beverage throughout the day from the moment I get up to about 5pm, because it's a habit.
The problem I have is I think I'm bothered by what coffee snobs might think of me (well, I'm not that bothered, if at all, but it sounds feasible) for even admitting that I'm drinking the lowest form of coffee-like beverage known to man: instant, decaf and mass produced. I just wish age hadn't turned my body against caffeine otherwise we wouldn't be here, discussing something that should be ignored.
I also drink it because it allows me brief comedy moments when I run through my repertoire of 'I have to drink decaf' stories and why decaf is the devil's diarrhoea monologues. People have been known to ask me what the best one I've tried is and I do have some contenders for the less shittiest imitation coffee award. They are as follows:
Aldi Alcafe Decaf - this is the one that has a faint chemical aftertaste, which after a while fools you into thinking its flavour. The problem is after a few jars you don't want it any more for fear of what it might be doing to your insides.
Kenco Decaf - in the green jar with the eco-friendly refills. This is actually my koffy of choice because it is not as shit as some of the others. High praise indeed.
Nescafe Gold Blend Decaf - I'm including this because whenever I visit my friend Ange she drinks this and I don't know if she makes it using three heaped teaspoons of koffy or it actually has some rudimentary coffee-ness about it. However, I won't buy it because I think I'd feel a bit soiled walking out of a supermarket with a jar of Gold Blend, especially as I have spent best part of the last 40 years telling people Nescafe don't make real coffee.
I'm not going to bother listing the ones to avoid because the ones to avoid are every decaf that's left. I'd recommend licking dusty lino in preference to drinking decaf; or even having a testicle removed (or added somewhere) because decaf is everything your mum warned you about dark alleys and men in trench coats with stamp collections. Decaf is someone's idea of a bad fucking joke.
Drink water. Or piss.
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