TV Culture - General Poor Quality or Major Wank

Spoilers

The Slapstick Years

The thing about Resident Alien that bugs me was almost answered in one of Harry's closing monologues - yet another thing about this load of wank that grates on me. He was theorising how pretending to be human has made him less smart and that's certainly the impression anyone who watches this must get from Alan Tudyk's performance. He's become stupidly moronic while the rest of the cast seem to now exist in a world where being either an arsehole or a fuckwit is the norm...

The Grey hybrid story was wrapped up quicker than liquidising an idiot in a large blender; in fact it made you wonder what the fucking point was of having it there in the first place was. Enver Gjokaj's fleeting guest appearance ended in an imaginary fight scene where both aliens imagined how their fight would be like, which in a way was almost amusing, apart from the fact they're supposed to be highly intelligent beings able to travel to earth from their planets but instead come across as morons in a twat contest.

The little Muslim girl has quit the show; I don't know if this was a parental decision but she's been replaced by two of Max's school friends and the sexually weird Judy seems to have become a major character in the show; which suggests to me that the writers are still struggling to come up with anything that resembles a coherent story or plot line. Anyhow, the wife told me to turn it off after five minutes, but I refused, I feel that in a week that has yielded such low quality TV, I have to have something that I can really sink my teeth into and Resident Alien is very much that mouldy burger. Next week there's a new subplot, which is likely to be as lame as the current ones. I only watch this because Asta has the largest backside in television and her friend D'Arcy is one of the least attractive red heads I've ever laid my eyes on and God that sounds so sexist, possibly even misogynistic, but no one in this TV show comes away with anything like any praise; it's like an ugly actors convention with poor scripts and no budget. Still, mercifully, only six more episodes to go. 

Love & Marriage

My mate Chris will be pleased to know that we watched Mr & Mrs Smith this week; he will also be delighted to know that we didn't give up on it, despite having reservations. In fact, there was enough in the opening episode to keep us watching until the end. It was a little cold and like my other friend Kelvin suggested, also something a little ... icky... but it wasn't too offensive and it was quite enjoyable.

It stars Donald Glover and Maya Erskine as two 'agents' recruited by a 'company' to pose as man and wife while undertaking specific jobs for them; these jobs are an assortment, but mainly involving the loss of life with a proviso that the posing couple can get away from the scene of the carnage fast enough and with as little damage as possible; maybe some spying and general espionage. at least that's what the first few episodes ended up being like, as we were introduced to and then slowly got to know John and Jane Smith. He's quite affable, while she's a little bit of a cold fish. [Ahem] The Guardian praises the couple's chemistry and ranks it so highly you can hear jizzum pumping from their collective throbbing gristle. Their chemistry is the kind you'd expect from two lead actors playing people in a forced relationship. 

My mate Kelvin described this show as "...Nothing overtly offensive about it, but it felt sticky and nasty for reasons I can't identify." And I totally get that because there is something slightly... tonally wrong about this; like both these characters have a nasty and secretive stain on them that they don't really want anyone else to know about but they kind of also want to brag about it. I'm finding Maya Erskine's character the colder of the two at the moment, because Glover's John seems almost too nice to be doing the job he is, whereas she's got that 'I could easily be a serial killer' vibe going on. The weird thing is as the two spend more time with each other they become more attracted to each other, which is strange because... you know... I don't know if I would be. As the series moves on towards the finale, there is a distinct surreality about it, especially when they meet another Mr & Mrs Smith, or when Ron Perlman turns up as, essentially, a giant man baby. 

The theme of it is actually the perceived cycle of a marriage/relationship - from the first meeting, through the loved up period, to the doubts and then the therapy before the inevitable split; conceptually it's a clever idea, but I recently described this show as 'not wanting to have anyone associated with it in my house unless I've got an armed guard,' because there is something definitely wrong about it all and not in a good or fun way and that isn't how most relationships are, even in the USA. One thing is pretty much certain, I doubt there will be a second season.  

Friendless in the Cold of Night

The 'thing' that led to the scientists dying in True Detective: Night Country was fucking inspired; I don't think anyone watching this would have seen it coming. Quite how it happened is a different point entirely, because this was a mini-series that made me want to swear a lot, shout and generally find out which cunt I could sue to try and get six hours of my fucking life back...

Whoever wrote this heap of shite should never work in film or TV again because there was an hour long play here that was stretched out across six parts with so much padding and hinted at bullshit that by the time revelations happened no one in this house had the fucking will to live. Just what did we just watch? I ask that because SO MUCH of it was just there; no explanation; no reason; no history; no fucking nothing - 'oh let's put these bits in now' kind of plotting. If you're going to have major revelations about a primary character's life or history, at least treat the viewer with enough fucking respect to actually mention the revelation or put some groundwork down - don't just take it for granted that the viewer will be able to extrapolate some oblique fucking flashback with something that is both simultaneously important and unimportant. Just why was any of the shite thrown in about Danvers or Evangeline even there? It's not like it added to the story; it just obfuscated and confused. 

There was even a subplot that we didn't even know was a thing; something that had been so obliquely hinted at that when it was revealed we looked at each other and went 'what the fuck?' There was all kinds of Alaskan mumbo-fucking-jumbo going on that you needed a scorecard to understand what was happening and in the end they all lived happily ever after apart from the ones that didn't. This was fucking awful; it was a truly woeful bit of TV making and there was little or no redeeming features - apart from how the scientists died, which I wasn't a million miles away from (I was actually 100% right about them, I was just a touch wrong about who killed them), but even if you'd watched the first five episodes a dozen times you would have been hard pressed to even guess it correctly. If you haven't already wasted your life on this vomit of a TV show then don't be tempted. This is preposterous bollocks and shouldn't spoil television for anyone, ever. Don't watch it, you'll be very angry.

Ghost Writer

Mark Gatiss has carved a particular niche out for himself since being in League of Gentleman, he's either writing stories for TV or he's appearing in programmes like M R James: Ghost Writer, a documentary about the celebrated writer of ghostly fiction; a man who seemed to have a real knack at scaring the shit out of people long before so-called horror-meisters came along claiming or being heralded as masters of terror. James's Whistle and I'll Come to You, My Lad is probably one of the creepiest and scariest things I've read or seen and this hour-long special was an examination of this, his other fiction and his life.

The thing about Monty James is he wasn't at all a spectacular man; a closet homosexual (or non-practicing as he was described) and a professional schools person, he started writing ghost stories as a form of entertainment for the club he belonged to at Eton and it took off from there, but his first love was essentially being a teacher or a provost.

The documentary looked at his life as the son of a vicar, growing up in rural East Anglia and his (presumably) platonic relationships with various men in his life. How he went to Eton, then Oxford and then back to Eton in an employed way, where he stayed until his death in his 70s. He was an affable chap with a great fondness for people and he liked to scare the shit out of them, which he was very good at doing. The thing is, James was as dull as dishwater. His idea of a thrilling time was going cycling in remote parts of France or ... well... not a lot else really. Whereas I'm sure if they did a documentary on Stephen King there would be an entire section on his addictions, James was fond on boys and therefore this was touched on peripherally and then largely ignored. It was TV that educated but it was also TV that was simply there; sitting on BBC4 waiting for someone with an hour on their hands for something that wasn't going to exactly tax them.

The Lure of Essex

The Essex Serpent continued on its glacial path and it really was a strange beast. When we reached the halfway mark, I still had the impression that nothing was going to happen, except for maybe something even more tragic than we have already witnessed. What was clear was the attraction between Cora  (Clare Danes) and Will (Tom Hiddleston), even though Cora had a suitor - one she seemed to get on well with but acted like it was nothing but a platonic relationship (in 1898... Yeah... right?) and Will has a wife and children, but with his wife now with TB she might not be on the scene for much longer.

The heathen Christians in the village are even more believing of this serpent, which I doubt actually exists outside of the imaginations of easily-led people, while the general mass hysteria that was there before Cora and her entourage arrived is now, seemingly, being laid at her door because of strange events at the school rooms. The Curate gets more bonkers every episode and to paraphrase Cora from an earlier episode, just why did Will Ransome go there when he could have had a much easier life and still been a vicar. The Essex people here are as thick as mince and superstitious with it, but this was a series that needed to be more than just an illicit love story, yet that's all you got - an allegory at best. 

After being driven away from Essex, Cora falls into a deep depression because she can't have the man she wants; in fact, Cora isn't a particularly nice woman. You mistake her for a victim because of the way her husband treated her, but you start to wonder if she brought a lot of his behaviour on herself. She's selfish, deceiving and manipulative and doesn't really seem to care about anyone but herself and you wonder if the loopy curate might be right when he accused her of bringing the 'evil' to Essex;  Although maybe not in a literal sense. Meanwhile Martha (Cora's communist buddy) is trying to bring change about in the slums of Limehouse but only by her would-be suitor being rich - actually that's a little unfair of the character as she is one of the few people to come out of this with anything like self-respect. 

In the end we were a little stumped by what even the point was of the thing. Was the 'serpent' an allegory of Cora - the temptation in the garden of Eden, perhaps? Why was there emphasis on things that had no actual link to the story? Why do Essex people think whales are serpents? Or even why was there a story in the first place? How come every time I looked at Clare Danes with her strawberry blond wig on I kept thinking she was the spitting image of Harpo Marx? This was dull, unfulfilling and largely a waste of your time. The wife reckons the book might be better; she's welcome to it.

A Soulless Mess

Regular readers (and I know there are some) will know that I have two specific pet peeves - The Guardian newspaper, specifically its reviews section (but absolutely not exclusively) and the station once called BBC News24. 

What was once a slick and professional news station is now this identity-less stream of poor quality presenters who literally seem like they've been dragged out of the canteen and told it's their turn to read the news today. In what, I now know, was a huge cost cutting exercise - terminating 90% of all contracted presenting and reporting employees and replacing them with new, inexperienced workers on much lower contracts - they have sold out and now give us what can only be described as 'amateur hours'. It is essentially now an extension of BBC World Service with the emphasis on 'world' and any semblance it once had to a UK news station has been reduced to little segments of 'From Around the UK' stories that you'd struggle to include on a regional news programme. It is dreadful and isn't even worth putting on when there's fuck all else on telly. Take the guy in the picture - Nicky Schiller - this is a man who I firmly believe is actually Nosferatu in a wig; with his filed to points teeth and haircut that reminds me of trousers that have had an argument with ankles (like the PM but creepier, if such a thing was possible). This is a man who exudes bon homme but you wouldn't want in a crowded room at a children's party because... you know... creepy and far too cheery.

This morning at 9.26am, at a point when the bulletin ends and you get the weather, one of the cleaners doubling up as presenters concluded her half hour and there was some graphics then instead of the weather you had another news presenter giving you the 'Top of the Hour' headlines, clearly from a couple of days ago. This presenter, who reads off the autocue like it's threatening her with her life, is seen quite often and one wonders if she's ticking a specific box. Talking about weather forecasts; at the weekend they tend to have a forecast in the morning, maybe one at lunchtime and subsequent slots are just repeats of earlier ones. It's dreadful and I don't think anyone talks about it so the BBC probably think everything is fine. It isn't. 

Just a Load of Shit

I read quite a few reviews of Joe Lycett Versus Sewage and the general consensus was it shouldn't be down to him to make a programme like this, highlighting the plight of Britain's bottom waste disposal. I say, it shouldn't be down to him to make what ended up as essentially a quite pointless programme that could have done so much more than just trivialise shit.

Lycett has form at this kind of thing and it's usually a good thing when a celebrity takes on a key issue, especially one about the amount of poo that is channelled into our waterways on a daily basis because there is no body with the power or inclination to fine or sanction water companies. The amount of shit in our rivers and off our coast should be a National disgrace; it should be on the agenda of any political party that wants to be elected; it should disgust and anger everybody in this country regardless of their political persuasion. I mean, even if you vote Conservative you want clean rivers and seas, don't you? How does having the country swimming in its own shit benefit anyone apart from people with shares in one of the ten water companies and really, are dividends more important than safety and a place where people and indigenous animals can exist without the fear of dysentery or cholera or just general sickness from poo poisoning?

The problem with this documentary is it was a little like when you think, "Oh boy, I've got to have a massive shit!" You rush to the loo, pull your pants down and out comes a massive fart with no lumps. Even the stunt to try and make people angry about the poo in our rivers was pretty much seen as a stunt which, in the grand scheme of things, saw very few people react to it. This documentary wasn't a load of shit, but it did highlight the apathy suffered by people regarding the issue and the fact that the shit in your rivers is low priority for everyone from politicians to the Archbishop of Canterbury (because the Church of England invests heavily in water companies as part of its pensions portfolio). It was a pathetic plop rather than a thunderous dump and people need to start caring more about the excessive poo in our lives.

Next Time... 

And thus concludes another week of weak TV. Yes, some of it was mildly okay but in general I do get the impression that I'm drawn to the rubbish because it makes better review material. There will be more of the same next weekend, I have no doubt and it now seems highly unlikely that stuff I've started watching in previous weeks will be returned to, so if you wanted to know what I thought of certain things... tough, it ain't going to happen.

What I can tell you is Constellation will be on the list of things to watch, while some other stuff mentioned last week will be delved into now that Mr & Mrs Smith has been removed from the Flash Drive of Doom. It says something when a show I didn't want to watch and can't say I was that enamoured with was the best thing I saw on telly all week. That bastion of right wing gaslighting The Guardian ran an article a couple of weeks ago suggesting that 2024 could be the greatest year for television ever - if that doesn't explain quite succinctly why I despise this rag of a newspaper then I must try harder...