Modern Culture - Is BACK!!!

I wanted the new look blogs to reflect something, but all they did was show me that I don't generate enough 'copy' for two regular blogs about roughly the same thing. Plus, there were some things that have happened I wanted to wibble on about but felt it was not important enough to have its own blog. So, let's reset the clocks and continue on where we left off at the end of December...

There might be spoilers here...

The End of Civilisation as We Know It

The first question I need to ask is why are there so many fucking atrocious movies being made? Who is stupid enough to finance these things and is it a form of masochism or do the idiots giving money to wankers really think they're going to make money from them? Over the last year or so we've watched some absolute stinkers; films that are worse than a really bad case of the norovirus, yet they still pump them out, like the dregs of your colon after having had more shits than your anus can withstand.

To review the film Argylle I would need to be many things; a pedant about bad spelling, a critique of wankiness, a lover of faecal matter, a sexist twat - because, frankly, either Bryce Dallas Howard is having a secret affair with the filmmaker Matthew Vaughn or she knows where he's buried his bodies. The daughter of Ron Howard has rather gone downhill since her Jurassic Park days; she's carrying a lot of excess weight, her hair is bad, she's looking her 43 years and a bit more AND I really hate myself for being so cruel about her but I figure someone has to because it needs to be said. She was fucking awful in this film and when she 'fulfilled her potential' she was even more fucking awful. As a red head she's cute, as a blonde she looks like Adele before the diet but carrying extra weight. I'm sorry, this is not like me at all; I'm a bloody feminist and I should be glad that Vaughn cast the fat girl as the star of his new film, but he should have cast a fat girl who could fucking act.

Argylle is abysmal. It is everything that is bad about movies that try to be a) clever and b) satirical. It is a giant turd on the rug outside your bedroom and it stinks like it's been there for a week. What on earth was Henry Cavill, John Cena, Bryan fucking Cranston, Sam Rockwell and Samuel L Jackson thinking? Actually we know what Jackson was thinking because he has form for appearing in films that are worse than having a squirting arse ejecting warm brown liquid. This is essentially a film about a rubbish women writer who has a James Bond like hero who discovers she's being pursued by spies because she might be writing the truth in her shit books, except she's not that at all, she's really a former spy who is so fucking brilliant she makes James Bond seem like a valet, except she can't remember anything apart from being a shit writer who is scared of her own shadow. It's two hours and fucking 12 minutes long? Vaughn - who made the King's Man films, which are fun secret agent movies - managed to make a movie that was simultaneously too long and one of the worst things ever made and it was released by Apple TV, proving that even this beacon of brilliance is capable of shitting on the rug and not cleaning it up.

THIS. IS. A. FUCKING. EMBARRASSING. AND. DISGUSTING. MESS.

The The?

Huh? Did you know that the film Bad Times at the El Royale actually translates to 'Bad Times at The The Royal'? It probably should be called Bad Times at El Royale but the double 'the' helps the title flow better. If this was the only thing I have to say about this 2018 movie then we'd be in dodgy territory, but actually it's a bloody entertaining film.

Four unrelated strangers turn up at a hotel that straddles the California/Nevada states border all looking for a room. Jon Hamm is a vacuum cleaner salesman who is full of himself; Jeff Bridges is a slightly bewildered priest, Cynthia Erivo is a singer and Dakota Johnson just tells people to fuck off. Lewis Pullman is the young guy - Miles - with the responsibility of doing everything from receptionist to cleaner to bar keep. All of them clearly don't want to be there... or do they?

Before this encounter at the El Royale there's a flashback to 1959 - ten years earlier than when this is set; there's a man - played by Nick Offerman - who 'buries' a bag under the floorboards in one of the rooms and is then shot and killed. So far so mysterious. What we discover quite quickly is that Hamm doesn't sell vacuum cleaners, he's in the FBI. Bridges isn't a priest, he's an ex con and he's after the money. Erivo is a singer, but because she's black and this is 1969 her life isn't straight forward and Johnson appears to have kidnapped a girl and is keeping her hostage in her room. These rooms are all... remarkable for a specific reason and Miles is as shady as fuck. What follows is a Tarantino-esque interlocking story that jumps back and forth in the now and is embellished by flashbacks to explain the backstories of the guests.

When all kinds of shit hits the fan it's time for would be Messiah Chris Hemsworth to enter the picture. This dime store Charles Manson brings his own kind of mayhem and chaos to proceedings and the film spirals out of control in a continuing orgy of violence and terror with a mysterious twist involving a reel of film that could incriminate someone extremely famous but now dead... It's a really 'fun' film with all manner of shocks, twists and turns with unexpected shit happening almost from the first few moments on. This is most definitely a movie you can't second guess and as it was on Film 4 a few weeks ago, there's a good chance it will reappear before long, so set your recorders for it, it's worth watching.

Strictly Come Barking Mad

As it was the wife's birthday, she could choose whatever she wanted - off the Flash Drive of Doom - to watch and she opted for Silver Linings Playbook, a film I never really been that bothered about (otherwise we'd have watched it by now) and have sort of managed to put her off in the past when she's suggested it.

This is an Oscar winning film starring Celeb A listers - Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence, with back up from Robert De Niro - we're talking BIG guns in a film that was probably made with the Academy Awards in mind. Both Lawrence and Cooper had emerged as big stars and the idea of a comedy/drama/romance about a man who is bipolar and a young woman with her own - undiagnosed - mental health problems was probably the kind of thing that gets award givers massive orgasms and to be fair it wasn't a bad film. My problem with it was it took me ages to like the film or to feel anything like interest in the characters, which was probably the entire point. Cooper is obsessed about his ex-wife, he is a mass of OCDs, mood swings and potentially is a danger to himself and others; Lawrence, since the tragic death of her husband, has been sleeping around, is reckless and potentially dangerous. The thing is even De Niro, who plays Cooper's father, is a bag of superstitions and were it not for the family safety net around him would probably have been diagnosed with his own mental health issues.  

Once you start to like the characters, to see past their flaws and foibles, the film begins to unfold, but it takes its time and even when the two leads do their thing - getting involved in a dance competition - it all feels a bit contrived. I mean, I get it that Cooper's character has to be seen still obsessed about his wife, but it was obvious almost from the moment Lawrence walked into the film that this was going to be about these two people and the love story that was inevitably going to happen, but they stretched it out and played it to the point where the reveal at the end was always going to go the way you thought it was. There wasn't really ever a moment where you think 'will they, won't they?' The biggest thing for me was how they miraculously cured each other, because apart from one time you never saw him take his meds and yet he became a calm, reasonable guy with little or no evidence to suggest otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, it worked as a birthday night treat, but I felt as though... I dunno... it was dressed up to be more than it actually was.

The Thick End of It

The conclusion of Criminal Record was neither straightforward nor was it expected. The real antagonist had been seen a few times throughout the eight parts, but never with any or even the slightest indication he might be involved and while there were several things in the end to implicate Peter Capaldi's DCI Dan Hegarty, it appeared to be mainly his loose cannon henchmen and helpers who did all the donkey work.

The thing about that last paragraph is, it isn't precisely true; it appears that way but when all the facts are out there's still this nagging thing in DSI June Lenker's mind (Cush Jumbo) and the last thing she does is figure it out. It is possible that Errol was framed for his girlfriend's murder so that the Met could be seen being tough, especially in the wake of the 2011 Tottenham riots and it was most definitely sloppy police work by Hegarty's #1 undercover cop and his right hand man, but when all the pieces started to fall into place and Lenker was finally getting to the crux of the matter, this was a series that still managed to deliver some shocks. The most shocking thing about it though was its stark depiction of racism within the Metropolitan Police - something that is still a millstone around the Met's metaphoric neck, among many problems facing the capital's police force. There is something decidedly 1980s about Hegarty's top men and one has to ask, in a show about modern policing, how can these dinosaurs still function and get away with things. There were some factual inaccuracies about the series; stuff that whoever wrote it should have known or been informed of by whoever was giving them relevant information and it was probably two episodes too long, but it's worth watching, even if, in the end, you still feel a little cheated despite the 'happy' ending.

The Madness of Parents

The wife struggled with The Big Door Prize while I struggled with why the wife didn't like it as much as me. It's been an inventive and slightly bonkers series that highlighted something existential rather than physical. It was a wee bit strange and not always in a good way, but I thought that was what made it all the more agreeable.

I think it was the juxtaposition of the situation that played well. Something you'd imagine the kids would be obsessed with becomes the property of the adults. That's not to say the kids haven't been sucked into it but they quickly moved on in most cases, while the parents and adults remain obsessed with the the Morpho machine that has been telling them what their true life potential is. It's a bit like Facebook 15 years ago, when the youth were into it and the adults cottoned on and suddenly the kids were no longer into it because their parents had taken it over. That's this show in a nutshell and it not only took over the lives of the adults it turned them all into strange versions of themselves; versions that stopped being normal and became extravagant versions that people stopped liking or respecting. Or at least that's what you think until the last couple of episodes, then you start to realise that's there's more to this than you imagined and that this is simply the first stage - arguably the caterpillar in the Morpho's life cycle...

Chris O'Dowd and the ensemble cast all become different versions of themselves; like they were all given a weird drug that reawakened their adolescence and blocked their sanities as their 'potentials' became the overriding thing in almost all of their lives rather than pod people from a bizarre Sci-Fi story. The thing I liked about it especially was while O'Dowd's Dusty and his family are the central point of it, it spent every episode focusing on someone else; someone important to the town of Deerfield and someone who has possibly been driven slightly insane by the Morpho's 'command'. Of course the main problem I have is I think it's a shaggy dog story, because I don't know if there's really an explanation because there would be no explanation that would satisfy the joke. Season one leaves us with a cliffhanger ending with more mysteries than we began with and the biggest one being the blue spots, which we first saw on Dusty in episode one and have taken a back seat since. The thing is I absolutely loved this show; it has a mixture of really likeable characters and arseholes with hearts of gold. I want it to have some resolution and I really want there to be explanations, it hits all the right weird buttons for me but in a gentle understated way; we could be talking about something really sinister in a year's time, but I somehow can't believe that. Absolutely highly recommended. 

Super Boring

What if The X-Men was made as a low budget heist movie? That's pretty much the premise for Code 8 a film about 'enabled' people set in a world that's slightly different from our own. It's about superpowered individuals who have been outlawed because of their unique abilities and it is essentially everything The X-Men has ever wanted to be, apart from the fact it was badly acted, had a lousy story and the special effects were... limited.

It's about a man with superhuman abilities who works with a group of criminals to raise money to help his sick mother. It stars cousins Robbie and Stephen Amell (no, me neither) and the best thing I can say about it was the people responsible for it tried very hard to make a half decent film but failed because they didn't have a particularly good story to work with. It was overwrought, heavy on the earnest and tried admirably to create a universe that borrowed so heavily from the X-Men that I expected to see more than just people who can generate electricity, or heal people or are telekinetic. We opted to watch this because the sequel came out recently and we figured if it was good enough for a sequel it might be worth watching. It wasn't; they shouldn't have; don't be fooled, it's 90 minutes of your life you'll wish you'd spent punching yourself in the face or wanking off an 80-year-old tramp with syphilis. 

A New Nadir?

We watch Resident Alien in the hope that something positive might happen; that these caricatures of the characters from the first series will remember who they are and forget they've spent a season and a half jumping sharks for fun, but instead we are left with something that surely the actors must realise is a load of ridiculous pretentious wank.

The halfway mark of this (hopefully) final series was something of a real low point for the series as Big Arse Asta and her adopted daughter (the one she gave away not got) meet their adopted family at a big Native American shindig for the marriage of their gay cousin. Meanwhile D'Arcy has realised she's a fucking mess; the Mayor's wife is creating grisly children's books and Harry has fallen in love with the bird alien who has been trapped here by a banana. This, on a good day, would have been far too much for a 40 minute episode, but we also had a new subplot, the demented sheriff and his assistant Liv discover things (or rather Liv does but Mike takes the credit, as usual), Linda Hamilton, who came across as menacing once, is now old and stupid in her bunker of alien fighting and there was an alien portal fixer who likes stale pretzels. There is so much going on you'd almost feel as though it's good value for money, but it's shite; big stinky shite with sweetcorn you wouldn't give to a dog. There are four more episodes to go and it all has to be resolved because if it ends on a cliffhanger and there's a threat it might be back for more I'm going to [redacted] with prejudice. 

Aping About

In anticipation of Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes coming out in a few months, we decided to watch the 'first' trilogy and that meant giving Rise of the Planet of the Apes a second watch, almost 13 years after the first. It's a cracking film spoiled by some dodgy special effects, but one gets the impression there might not have been that much confidence about it making a trilogy.

It is a movie that predates the pandemic but is really about the start of one that will leave the planet ravaged and depleted of humans - but that comes later. This is about Cesar and his development from son of a lab ape to leader of the first rebellion against humanity and his 'father' James Franco, the man who develops a cure for Alzheimer's with a sting in the tail and then Cesar's journey from lovable family chimp to an ape (I almost called him a man) who sees all that is wrong in humanity - as well as much of what is right - and decides, fatefully, where his beliefs lie. As an 'origin' story it works exceptionally well and even the potentially far fetched ideas being developed at GenSys - the company that likes experimenting on primates - have a ring of truth about them, because money is the thing that drives this - the be all and end of humanity. If I could of had one thing done different it would have been to have Cesar smile occasionally - after his epiphany. I get it he was the reluctant Messiah but, you know, dark and brooding got too intense at times; maybe a sly smile or a grin whenever things went his way wouldn't have gone a miss.

Onwards to Dawn... Next week.

There's Something About Cena

Do you remember the Farrelly Brothers? They did comedies around the turn of the millennium that pushed the boundaries of good and bad taste. Well Peter Farrelly is back with a new film called Ricky Stanicky and it doesn't matter how hard I try not to, I just can't recommend this enough. It's simply a riotous comedy that pushes all the buttons of 13 year old me.

Zac Efron and two other actors play lifelong friends who use their imaginary mate Ricky as an excuse to get away with all kinds of shit throughout their lives. If they need an excuse for something, they use Ricky. Weekend away? Ricky Stanicky. To get out of a family occasion, they use Ricky. The thing is over the years they have used and abused Ricky so much he's now a superhero - he's a charity working, tree-hugging liberal who knows Bono, works in Africa, has survived cancer a number of times and people in our trio of friends' lives are beginning to think that Ricky doesn't exist. So they decide to use the talents of a jobbing actor they met in Atlantic City to pose as Stanicky to convince friends and family once and for all that the eponymous hero exists.

That actor is John Cena and he's given a 'bible' of Stanicky's life, which he has to memorise and hoof his way through a circumcision ceremony and he doesn't just do a good job, he's startlingly great at being the man who doesn't exist. The problem is he makes so much of an impression he can't or rather doesn't want to go back to his own life. This is a crude, rude and lewd film, but it's also hilarious without being too OTT. Cena is brilliant as Rod aka Ricky to the point where you wonder what he has up his sleeve next, because since Peacemaker he's been the best thing in almost everything he's been in. He was probably the best thing in Argylle, he just wasn't on screen for long as Matthew Vaughn opted for all the wankers in his cast instead. This is a feelgood comedy that has an abundance of penis jokes, a brilliant turn from the wondrous William H Macy and while it is nothing but a silly and very contrived comedy, it is funny and it is worth your time and it's the best thing I've seen this week.

More Than Ordinary

This week also saw the return of Extraordinary, the TV comedy about superheroes that managed to make it into my top ten TV shows of 2023. We're only two episodes in at the moment, but it has retained its weird quirkiness as Jen - Máiréad Tyers - the only person without superpowers in a world full of super powered people and Jizz Lord finally start to date. He was once her cat but has returned to being human and at the end of last series also discovered he had a wife and child.

Jen's raised the £12,000 she needs to find out and uncover her latent superpowers while still working in a second hand clothes store and trying to sort the lives of her two roommates out - one who can channel dead people and the other has control over time. Tyers is a quirky and very attractive lead (despite this only being about the fourth or fifth thing she's ever been in) and she is both funny and sexy at the same time. One wonders what her character sees in Rob aka Jizz - Luke Rollason - because he's extremely odd looking and doesn't have much of a personality; but it works in a weird sort of way and this is a series that has a feel about it, like Spaced did in the late 1990s - like there's going to be a lot of breakout stars. 

The running subplot in the background is Carrie and Kash's split - these are Jen's two roommates who split up at the end of the first series, but are struggling with that decision. Carrie is ditsy and not really sure what she wants to do with her life and Kash might be able to manipulate time but he's largely an absolute wanker without an iota of common sense.

I suppose it hasn't got the anarchic feel the first series had because we're familiar with the four main characters now, but it has a strange charm that makes it likeable. We'll have finished the series by this time next week so more of a review then, but so far so good.

Next Week...

We've got Damsel lined up for our Saturday night film and the rest of Extraordinary to get through. The usual stuff - that would be fucking Resident Alien - that we're cluttering the week up with and the other two POTA films plus whatever finds its way onto our screens in the interim. We were going to give The Completely Made Up Adventures of Dick Turpin a try by gave up on it after less than three minutes because it reminded me of Rentaghost and I didn't like or watch that. We might start on Constellation and equally we might give up on it as well. Whatever we watch you'll be the first to know about it.