Modern Culture - It's Not All Bad

There will be no spoilers in this week's blog (there might be some suggested in the review of Earth Abides, but trust me you won't watch it so I'm not really spoiling it) ...

Venom: The Half Arsed

You kind of want to call it a Curate's Egg, but you know that's not an accurate description because there's a lot of bad and hardly any good. Venom: The Last Dance is a strange conclusion though; a movie that actually feels as though it is trying to escape the stench of the first two films by creating its own stink. Tom Hardy is credited with co-writing this and if that's the case we should start a petition to prevent Tom Hardy from being allowed near a word processor, any pens, crayons or pencils and paper ever again, because he doesn't understand what a continuous narrative is nor how to structure a story. This was a series of slightly unrelated things happening to a largely British cast with a subplot that literally came out of nowhere and sat on the outside looking in for most of the film. The big bad of this film was a spectator and his emissaries were indestructible until they weren't any longer. Everyone picked up a symbiote as all the symbiotes made friends with each other and united in the face of a bigger threat. There were bits of genuine attempts at comedy in this movie; scenes that perhaps were thought to be able to rival Deadpool or even a funny film. Everything about this felt nearly done, almost thought out, like someone had a good idea but it just disappeared as it was coming together.

Venom's constant 'comic' dialogue is a USP, or at least I think it is. I think the makers of Venom movies think Venom is cool and it's why people go to the cinema to watch it. I'm not convinced, but equally I'm not convinced this was what they originally had planned for this film, because, you know, it felt so bloody half-arsed and under-cooked. It's like the crew had a bet to see how many anti-climaxes they could unwittingly unleash on the unsuspecting. It wasn't a bad movie in that it really is a bad movie but there's an element of knowing it was a bad movie but just not giving a shit about it. 

The Big Red One

The problem I'm going to have here is how to convey my absolute disbelief and amazement about this utterly dreadful, tonally-wrong, heap of concepts that have been glued together to try and make a coherent movie from an idea that sucks so badly if it was a blow job it would still take four months and nine days to make a horny 15-year-old spotty oik have an orgasm. This was a truly devious crime against humanity with an all star cast and the - and this is actual - feeling that at least half the actors in this decided they weren't really going to take it seriously. Take Lucy Lui for example; I am convinced she had a smirk on her face for most of the film because she knew she was getting paid a shit load of money for appearing in the cinematic equivalent of a wet fart - except, wet farts have a certain comedic value which this movie was devoid of.

It's essentially about a cynical kid who grows up to be someone who accidentally gives away co-ordinates that lead to the home of Santa Claus and allows some snow witch to kidnap Ol' Nick and try to punish all the naughty people in a really nasty way. Chris Evans - yes, he who has shat his future career away in 2024 by appearing in things that Eric Roberts turned down - is the cynical Jack O'Malley, who has to team up with Santa's head of security Callum Drift - Dwayne Johnson - to find Red One - played by JK Simmons. Involved also is the aforementioned Lucy Lui, Keirnan Shipka (utterly wasted), Bonnie Hunt and a load of people you've never heard of as the 'mythical world' becomes real in this Amazon arse vomit. It's probably like ejaculating your brain through your hair follicles but more painful. This isn't a kids' film; it isn't an adults' film and it probably won't be enjoyed by dogs.

The Dune Prophylactic 

This is how it went. I struggled, again, to stay awake during Dune: Prophecy. It might have been because Fimmell was in it again, or it might be for a more basic reason. Let me explain by giving you an example: at the conclusion of this fourth part, I turned to the wife and said, "Do you know what's going on?" To which she replied, "I think so, but equally I'm not sure." I said, "Last week worked for me because it was a simple two handed tale about how the sisters became who they are. I just don't understand what is going on with all this current stuff and I don't know who half the people are." The wife nodded sagely and we're faced with a dilemma. I think neither of us are enjoying Dune: Prophecy and given half the chance I think we'd give up, right now. I mean, we do have a choice, but I think there's only two episodes to go, then we can give up on it having watched an entire season and not give a flying fuck whether it gets renewed for another 5 or 500 more seasons.

The Reasonable Seven

There was a remake of The Magnificent Seven made in 2016 - 50 odd years after the original. This multicultural remake starred Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke, Vincent D'Onofrio and a whole bunch of people you've never heard of and Peter Skarsgård as the villain. It was, at best, unspectacular, reasonably paced entertainment that tried to capture the feel of old westerns while also trying to give it a contemporary feel. It was as westerns go a film about cowboys, with some 'Indians' and  some bad guys; lots of altruism in a time when the USA was not renowned for being altruistic and it felt a little long at nearly two hours. The only woman in the cast was portrayed as sultry and borderline sexy and there was just something about this film that felt old fashioned in more ways than one.

Nope, No Idea

I think what Before needed was a story that was more... direct. It's been an interesting series so far, but it has simply lost me (and I'm sure others as well). Is it a ghost story? Is it all in his mind? Is it about a dead man possessing a young orphan? Something came to light with this - first part of a double bill this week - with the existence of the cabin that has been prominent throughout the series. It was important because it was where Eli's dead wife Lin took her beau-before-Eli Ben before he died under the care of Eli (and if that sentence was confusing just remember what comedy series Billy Crystal made his break in). The truth is I have no idea what's going on and I doubt whatever is happening will blow me away when it's finally revealed, but we head into the finale next week with Eli and Noah 'on the run' and hoping to find a resolution to all of the supernatural mumbo-jumbo we seem to have waded through. This and the previous episodes were 22 minutes long, minus the two to three minutes of recaps and opening titles; it started as a 35 to 40 minute show and almost halved that by the penultimate part; it was like whoever made this didn't want to overwhelm us too much with all the nothing that has been going on...

Rat Planet

Welcome to a variant on Schrodinger's Television programme - something that is simultaneously dull and exciting at the same time. While I'm sure the wife could stop right now, she did take on board the simple reality of this odd little mini-series; Earth Abides is as boring as The Walking Dead and just a wee bit scarier. At least the humans are not wandering into jeopardy to be able to get from A to B. You might have noticed I said 'humans'? That's because Alexander Ludwig has been joined by Jessica Frances Dukes - the person he suspected was living nearby from the end of episode one. The interesting thing for me is that Dukes was last seen in Ozark as the heavily-pregnant FBI agent trying to turn Jason Bateman into an FBI informant. In this, her character Emma, falls pregnant after some well telegraphed sex with Ish and she spends most of the episode looking extremely heavily-pregnant - typecasting?

The big thing this week was vermin. It starts with Emma - checking out Ish's pad - finding evidence of mice in his cupboards and pretty much ends with them fighting a plague of rats. It seems that the world's ecology is not conforming to how people thought it would if man disappeared. There aren't many birds, but that might be because of the proliferation of rats and other rodents. The thing is, when the couple and Lucky the dog were essentially overrun and attacked by the hordes of rats, it was a damned sight more scary than anything the zombie shows ever threw up at us. The problem is Earth Abides is boring and yet it covers a huge amount of time in 50 minutes; we start with the meeting and end with an addition - well over a year is covered. Yet other than the rats - which were genuinely quite scary, in a because-it's-so-logical way, the most jeopardous thing was Ish falling off the roof while trying to put some solar panels up. That is until the final scene... Emma takes some spray paint - signposted earlier (see attached picture) - and writes a big HELLO message telling any survivors where exactly they are and it immediately attracts someone. It might seem like a logical thing to do - announcing your presence - but we all spent years watching TWD and know that 'other people' are the ones you need to worry about the most...

The Hit Man and Her

The difficult thing about Black Doves, at least for me, was keeping up with it. I'd sort of lost my way by the end of the second episode and it took a gentle reminder in the third for me to remember what this entire blood soaked slightly comedic thriller was about. The thing is events in episode one are quickly ... forgotten about is the wrong expression, but parked to one side is probably better. By the end of the second episode I was a little confused almost bordering on bored, but by the end of the third I was back onboard with this black ops/spy thriller starring Ben Wishaw - as a very gay assassin - and Keira Knightly as his occasional 'beard' and deeply infiltrated field oppo. She - Helen, wife of the Defence Secretary - just happens to have been having an affair with someone deeply involved in the next sentence... It all revolves around the death of a Chinese ambassador. But also a hit job that Wishaw didn't finish seven years earlier that is now coming back to haunt everyone; it's also about a very influential crime family and possibly a dodgy PM. It's good fun, very violent, but there's an element to it which I'm finding a little too trite - it should be fresh and unique, but it just misses out; perhaps it was the simplicity of the story, or the fact that everything became mired in everyone's own self-importance. It also leaves you with the feeling they might come up with an excuse to make another series and if that happens they might need a less flimsy story to build around. 

Coming of Age

Nearly a decade ago, my brother-in-law Neil recommended a film for us to watch and we duly watched it and were glad he'd recommended it. Recently, I heard about a film starring Martin Sheen called The Way and I thought it might be worth watching and I managed to snag that, but while I was looking I also found that other recommendation, called The Way Way Back and thought it might be worth watching again. It was!

The film stars Liam James as an awkward 14 year old called Duncan, who is forced to spend summer with his mother - Toni Collette - her insufferable twat of a boyfriend - Steve Carell - and their summer base's extended family, which includes an immense Allison Janney, Robb Corddry and Amanda Peet. Duncan is bullied by mom's boyfriend, but in a subtle, mentally abusive way and mom is giving twat a free pass because her ex-husband and Duncan's father left her for a younger woman and she's emotionally weak. It's all too much for Duncan, so he finds himself at the local water/swimming pool venue where he's befriended by the park's carefree and highly immature owner played superbly by Sam Rockwell - in his best role by a country mile. Rockwell's Owen sees a kindred spirit in Duncan and gives him a job for the summer.

What follows is just the story of a young man discovering himself and his confidence coming up against an arsehole who's so much of a control freak that when he lies he thinks the world will lie with him, until, in the end Duncan stands up to possible stepdad and exposes him as a philanderer. Written down this sounds like it could be a mess of a film, but it's utterly splendid and any shy or nervous youngster should be made to sit and watch this. There's an odd 'other time' feel to it, but it is contemporary, it just plays down things like mobiles and the internet for human relationships. Watch it, it's brilliant.

Grey Greyness 

I couldn't find a suitable picture for the fourth episode of James May and the Dull Men, a series we'd forgotten about but reappeared on my torrents web page, so I downloaded the remaining three parts under the express hope that it got interesting again. The fourth part was by far and away the dullest so far. It involved Milton Keynes roundabouts, which might have been interesting but wasn't; how to dispense the correct amount of toothpaste and working out correct cheese, cracker and pickle ratios - yes, it was that exciting. Plus, there's May's 'friend' Seb who is the kind of guy you wouldn't leave within a 1000 yards of a primary school unattended. 

Next Time...

There will be a next time, there usually always is (unless there isn't).