My Cultural Life - Great Films, Bad TV

What's Up? 

Many things bug me and it's not because I'm now almost officially an old bastard. Many of the things that bugged me when I was younger, still get up my nose now. One of those things is people posting pictures of (or simply talking about) snow drops in the middle of January and equating this appearance of the winter flower as the first signs of spring.

It isn't. It's a winter flower that will be long gone by March 1st, when winter officially ends, but as we all know it doesn't really end then. The only real positives in January are the nights drawing out. Even now (January 23) there's light in the sky after 5pm and by the end of the month it will be there at 5.30. By the middle of February, the sun will be high enough in the sky, during the day, to start warming up the conservatory, which is starved of sunshine for three months of the year and subsequently leaves the downstairs of the house feeling cold and unwelcoming.

We're a little over 6 weeks into winter, which means we're just under six weeks until the start of spring. The interesting fact about March is there's more chance of it snowing as the daffodils come out than there is when fireworks are allowed to be used and kids dress up as ghosts and ghouls. This is because of a combination of the sea, land and air temperatures. By March the area around the UK is at its temperate minimum. It might not get dark until 7pm and the sun is much higher in the sky, but if we get hit by arctic winds then all bets are off. I find I get almost as pissed off with March as I do with November and that's a psychological reason - the higher the sun gets the more our bodies think that warm weather is on the way and, of course, a warm March in Scotland is as likely as sabretooth dodos invading the USA and eating President Shitler alive (which isn't going to happen regardless of how much he says it will)...

A Real Diamond

I'm not really a fan of Neil Diamond, although I'll be the first to admit he's written some great songs. I am a bit of a fan of Huge Ackman and Kate Hudson, so when Song Sung Blue came out I found myself in the strange position of wanting to watch it (although I'm not sure the wife felt the same way). 20 minutes into this film and I was wondering if it was the right thing for me, but then it started to get slightly weird and not always in a good way. 

This is a biopic about a Minnesota (topical) Neil Diamond tribute act called Lightning and Thunder, of which Ackman and Hudson play the husband and wife team leading it. With support from Michael Imperioli, Fisher Stevens and James Belushi it feels just like a straightforward biopic and then it takes some strange turns, some funny, some tragic and always interesting. The movie has a strange chronology, because in real life they existed for over 15 years and became legends of the club scene in their part of the States, opening for a famous rock band (I won't say who, but it will blow you away) and selling out venues that only famous rock bands normally would; however, the film seems to have been shrunk down and encapsulated into a three year period - probably for artistic license. It is absolutely riveting - believe it or not - and whether you like the music or not you are glued to the screen waiting for the next WTF moment to happen. You should watch it, Huge and Hudson are great, and so is the movie, if sometimes a wee bit harrowing. 9/10

Iran and Ran

It's been over a decade since we watched Argo - a very topical movie considering what's been happening in Iran recently. This Ben Affleck directed, produced and starred in biopic about the covert evacuation of six Americans from Tehran in 1980 is a brilliant film because it's true. Affleck plays a CIA 'fixer' who comes up with a clever idea to get six Americans in the Canadian embassy out of Iran and past the Revolutionary Guard, all he needs to do is come up with a suitable cover story and background to make it work, which he does. His boss, played by Bryan Cranston, thinks it's a good idea, so Affleck's Tony Mendes recruits Alan Arkin and John Goodman - playing Hollywood producers - into his scheme and the fake film Argo is created. Despite this being a well documented true story it doesn't stop it from being one hell of a tight thriller that oozes jeopardy. A simply stunning bit of filmmaking. 9/10

One Man Army

I never expected to watch this film. In fact, it never fell onto my radar, at all. Its sequel has but despite the good reviews I figured it was a Finnish movie, it would need subtitles and I probably would struggle to enjoy it. Then an old friend, someone I see far too rarely now, suggested I watch it and given I have the ability to watch films that have subtitles now that maybe I'd give it a go, see what all the fuss is about. That movie is Sisu and it's a film about an almost impossible to kill former soldier who takes on what's left of a platoon of German soldiers at the end of WW2. It also didn't have many subtitles and those it did have were built in.

What an extraordinary thing it is. If Tom Cruise made this people would call it a load of far-fetched nonsense, but here we are and it absolutely rocks. Jorma Tommila, last seen in Rare Exports, plays Aatami - a one man army. He finds a shit load of gold and runs into a bunch of Germans, what follows is essentially utterly bonkers. The most visceral and bloodthirsty comedy I have seen in years. It is so fucked up you suspend belief after about 20 minutes as Tommila ploughs through 90 minutes of film saying six words and all of them at the very end. Some of the things he does are so ridiculous that he rewrites the meaning of the acronym FUBAR. It's blood-splattered brilliance in Northern Lapland. 8/10

A Knight's Tale

Everywhere I look there's a lot of love (and good reviews) for A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, the latest Game of Thrones offshoot from that notoriously crap writer George RR Martin - a man so crap he even changed his name to bear witness to his general plagiarism. Yes, I'm not really a fan of a writer who fails to deliver what people want and regularly delivers other things that he believes will appease his critics... but what about this new series?

Peter Claffey (no, me neither - apparently an ex-rugby player) is sir Dunc the Tall, a hedge knight (meaning he's pretty low in the ranks) with aspirations even if he's as thick as pig shit. Everyone was banging on about how funny the opening episode was; how it was a brighter and lighter side of the GoT universe, but all I thought was it was a bit boring and nothing much happened, apart from a graphic scene of Dunc taking a shit. How people can rate this 8.6 on IMDB based on that opening episode is almost as much a mystery as why people thought this was a great season opener. Fuck all happened and there's only five more half hour episodes to go...

Contra to Beliefs

I discovered a Tom Cruise movie I'd never heard of, from 2017. American Made is the true story of airline pilot Barry Seal who was recruited, covertly, by the CIA to initially take aerial photographs of the US's enemies in Central America but which spiralled into something completely huge, ending up as a drug runner for Pablo Escobar and working for Ronald Reagan. The crazy thing about this is the fact it's a true story and is based on Seal's own account of what he did and how he got away with it. This, at times, is a funny comedy, but at others is a scary thriller; tonally the film is all over the place, but actually it works very well. I don't know why it never fell on my radar and ordinarily it would be a candidate for film of the week, but in a seven-day period where the movies I've watched have been above excellent, this only really gets an 8/10.

How Did That Happen?

I saw a film last year called Friendship with Paul Rudd and some guy called Tim Robinson. It was a bit cringeworthy and Tim Robinson got on my nerves faster than a nun with the runs. What a complete tool he was in this movie... So, there was this article in the [ahem] Guardian on January 21 about TV shows that were either impenetrable or impossible to understand and one of the series listed was The Chair Company, which, from the premise, sounded like it might be my kind of thing. I can safely say it wasn't.

That man Tim Robinson was in it and he essentially played the same character he played in Friendship but with a different name and job. The idea was simple, a man sits on a chair, it collapses, sending the man - already seemingly under some pressure - into a full blown psychotic episode and going down a rabbit hole of inability and frustration. We watched the first episode and felt that we needed to watch the second just to see if we could understand not so much what was going on but whether there was a clear and obvious narrative. The lead character is trying to contact the company that makes the chair that collapsed and is finding it impossible to track them down and speak to someone and it spirals out of control and logic from that point on. We turned it off seven minutes into episode two and will never go back to it...

Fail Out

Yeah, we watched episode six of Fallout and we'll watch seven and eight as well. If you watch this show and like it then there's no point in you reading on. If you don't watch it and are tempted to then trust me when I say - don't. This week there was an imaginary musical number and a mutant saves the Ghoul's life. Woo.

The End Is Nigh...

And so, season four of The Marvelous Mrs Maisel has been watched and as I alluded to last week, the lead character is the least funny person in the show. In many ways this is a hugely disappointing season, but I think, as the closing scenes of it were unfolding, that it was purposeful. The problem is sometimes successful TV shows need to do more and I think this one felt a little like a copout. In fact, it was, at times, quite annoying. Midge Maisel's insistence about doing things her way became a kind of millstone, but it was her repeated propensity for screwing up her own future that rankled me more. She turns down so many opportunities in this season; so much money... You start to wonder if she really wants to be a comedy star or just likes talking to rough audiences who don't care about her lack of ambition and love of the word 'fuck'. Watching this show is a little like supporting Tottenham Hotspur, like the football team there's always some things to make you smile and occasionally, when you least expect it, they do something really good, but most of the time you feel let down by them. The final season awaits and the first half of it is reviewed below...

I suppose The Marvelous Mrs Maisel is the perfect example of sticking with something despite no longer really liking it. It's a really good, stylish and well-made show, but as we head towards the final four episodes I'll be glad to see the back of it. I figure it's a deliberate intention of the series for clothes-horse Midge Maisel to become this reviled, annoying and actually anything but astute central character who is essentially so stubborn and selfish she's lucky to still be alive or maybe that's just how I read it. One thing is clear, everyone else is far more interesting and funny, especially Tony Shalhoub as Abe Wiseman, Midge's slightly eccentric father. Season five has flash forwards, mainly to the 1980s where Maisel is super famous and America's favourite female comedienne. The thing is she's even more annoying in the 80s than she was in the 60s and you don't really want her to be successful. Or maybe it's just me?

I find I really couldn't give a flying fuck what Midge Maisel does any longer. I am still intrigued by Susy Myerson, her manager, who has seemingly remained almost the same character for five seasons; has seen no character development and clues we were given in the opening episode about her sexuality are only now being explored as the series heads to its conclusion. Superficial is a good word and it perfectly describes this show. It looks sumptuous and like it could almost have been filmed in the 1960s (there are some anachronisms, but we haven't got all day), but in the end nothing much has happened. The story it's telling just isn't that interesting and Midge is fucking annoying. Four episodes to go...

Humour Me

Two things. The first: someone asked me why I didn't review The Traitors. The answer is simple - I'm too fucking old to indulge in shite television. The more it gets plastered over the media the less I want to watch it. It doesn't interest me and it never will. I feel desperately sorry and pitiful for people who watch and enjoy this soulless load of stinky shit, but it's not for me.

Secondly: The Guardian. Why do I seem obsessed with this newspaper's reviews? I don't really know. I suppose it's because the Guardian is bookmarked; I've read it for 30 years and it's usually my go to place for breaking news and its culture section gives me the heads up for things that are coming out. However, as I've pointed out on numerous occasions over the last few years, it appears to have a policy of reviewing bad things positively and vice versa...

I'm actually at a stage where a bad Guardian review means a must watch and a good review is something to avoid like the plague. Even the wife has started to notice and has also seen that the paper often disagrees with itself. A four star rave review for A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms became a three star review from someone else, a day later. Lucy Mangan famously reviewed Clarkson's Farm without watching it, just opting to remind everyone what a massive cunt Clarkson was. She gave it one star. Two weeks later, Stuart Heritage reviewed it and gave it four stars, saying it possibly does more for the plight of British farming than any other TV show and it was funny and poignant.

Mangan recently gave Ryan Murphy's latest heap of shite, The Beauty, a four star rating, while IMDB had it at 5.0 until fans of Murphy rallied and brought it up to a still not respectable 5.5 by Friday morning. It makes me think that Mangan either has no idea what a good TV show is or is paid by producers to hype their latest crap TV. I'm almost convinced that the Guardian is deliberately contrary to all other reviewers because of backhanders and dirty money. I suppose this is why I'm seemingly obsessed with the paper, this and the fact it used to be a centre left newspaper that could be read by everyone left of a Liberal. Now, not so much. 

Oh My Word...

Oh Jeez... In a week full of great movies... My love of time loop films is common knowledge. I adore Groundhog Day, I thought Omni Loop was a fabulous film, despite what others thought. I think Palm Springs is utterly brilliant. I know the writer/creator of Happy Death Day. In fact, even shit time loop films have a place in my heart. So imagine my surprise when I discovered there was another time loop film, one I didn't know existed. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be one of the loveliest, most poignant and moving things I have ever watched... The Map of Tiny Perfect Things is a delight. At the end of it, I was simultaneously blown away, deeply moved and really happy. It is one of the best movies I have seen in a long long time (and frankly, this week has had some absolute stonking films, as you've no doubt realised). Dare I even suggest it was nigh on perfect...

Kathryn Newton (Cassie in the most recent Ant-Man film) and Kyle Allen are two teenagers stuck in a 16 hour time loop. We don't know for how long, because it starts with Mark (Allen) perfectly going through a morning routine like he's been practicing it for centuries (and he might have). His day is very much what he wants it to be; he does all the kind of things Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day, he even tells his best friend, quite regularly, that he's living in a version of that film. Then one day, as he waits for something to happen - as it always does - a girl wanders across his carefully rehearsed set up and she is Margaret (Newton) and his life changes. The thing is she's enigmatic; there are things about her life she's not sharing and Mark, because he's besotted with her, doesn't really pry. Margaret is his friend for about 12 of those 16 hour days. This is a really beautiful love story, but like all good time loop films there's always a catch and the trick is how to deal with that problem. I was transfixed by this 93 minute film. Heck, I know I'm a sucker for a good time loop movie - hey, I've already admitted I'm a sucker for bad time travel movies, but this was wonderful, uplifting and utterly beguiling. 10/10
* I also need to tell you that when the film finished and the credits had played out, it should have auto stopped and defaulted back to the menu screen, but instead it started playing all over again and this was a stroke of absolute genius even if I don't know how they managed it...

Poles Apart

Will Smith does a Michael Palin mixed with a David Attenborough and goes on a National Geographic TV show that takes him from the South Pole to the North Pole in seven parts. The first part - on the South Pole - is 45 minutes long and is very white. The second part is in the Amazon Rain Forest and is 29 minutes long and continues into the third part, which is still in the Amazon. I'm not sure what the point of this is, unless it's just a way of rejuvenating Smith's career and put him in awkward situations that someone might find interesting or entertaining. Don't get me wrong, it was okay and will fill voids over the next week or so when we can't be arsed to watch anything else.

What's Up Next?

Shrinking is back. That's enough, really. It's the final season. It will be great while it's on and will be missed when it's gone.

We might start with The Night Manager and the jury is out on whether we're going to watch Steal, it depends on two things; how low it's IMDB score goes and whether we feel we can stomach Sophie Turner for six episodes.

I'll finish The Marvelous Mrs Maisel and the penultimate episode of Fallout will be suffered. There will also be films, but whether they will be as good as this week is very doubtful. Stay tuned, it's not likely to change that much...