Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Ritual Idiocy

A large percentage of humans are selfish, ignorant, arrogant twats. This may seem like a generalisation, but, trust me, it's not.

Fuckwit is the root of this upcoming rant, but it extends further.

Fuckwit and Lard Girl have come into possession of a Ford Mondeo. They recently (partially) solved the road's parking problems by getting rid of one of their cars and 90% of the time parking their other one either on their drive or in front of the house. There was a palpable sense of relief from the high number of two car homes along this stretch of the road. We could all go back to not having to play musical cars.

In one fell swoop he has created havoc in the street that has been compounded by the summer holidays rather than eased it. We are one of only a handful of houses on the entire street that don't have a car pad/drive; we prefer to have a garden, even if ours looks like an afterthought on a building site. This means that because we have two cars, one of them has to go in front of someone's house and that house is the one that is two doors down from us. The Incest Twins don't drive, so the space in front of their house has always been fair game to parkers. I have parked there for best part of the last five years, ever since the Religious Freaks at #50 moved and took their single motor vehicle with them. They were, of course, replaced by the Sexually Explicit family from Eastern Europe, who brought the contents of a small working garage with them - there are three adults and two children and they have FOUR cars, including a fuck off Mercedes that takes up more room than God.

Fuckwit, as I've mentioned countless times has 1¾ car spaces - when he had his tin can Diahatsu it allowed two cars, but now he owns a big Rover and this Mondeo, he can only fit one car on his drive (am I boring you yet?) and the other, which should just sit in front of his house causing no offence at all, is parked where I normally park. It also appears to have become obsolete, as it hasn't moved for nearly a week. You can imagine the problems this caused (or maybe you wouldn't want to), but the upshot is that the Zafira sits out the front of our house and my Sedici, which the wife is using for work, ends up wherever there's a space. It has become a royal free-for-all again, made worse by the fact that there appears to be a full road at the moment - most people with kids are on holiday or splitting their holidays. The road, which usually looks like the Atacama desert on a bank holiday, now looks like it should have a congestion charge.

It's come to a head over the last 24 hours. The wife had to park 'somewhere else' on Monday night, which had a knock-on effect that impacted on the Sexually Explicit family. I've never seen the road look so packed as it did on Monday night - it was like everyone was having friends over. She went off to work yesterday morning and the space she was parked in had been swallowed up in the tsunami of motor vehicles. All day it was like a merry go round. I had to take the dogs out in the afternoon and when I got back the space in front of the house had been swallowed up by Sexually Explicit man's taxi. I had a car full of dogs and nowhere close to park. I should point out here that I am irresponsible with my dogs. I normally park in front of the house, open the front door and then open the tail gate and the dogs jump straight out and run into the house. It's something we've trained them to do and if you stop somewhere else in the road they get disoriented. I didn't have all their leads and had to park on the other side of the road. It was stinking hot and I shuttled the dogs back and forth getting more and more wound up.

On seeing matey boy emerge from his house, I went outside and spoke to him. "I know it's a bitch to park at the moment, but can you not park in front of my house, especially when I've just taken the dogs out?"
"You park there." he said pointing at the space in front of his garden, adjacent to his drive.
"Yes, because there was nowhere else to park."
"Nowhere else to park here."
"Yeah, but you've got a drive, mate. You have an off road parking space. I don't."
"I have four cars."
"Yeah. Why is that?"
"You don't park there, I won't park here."

Realising that while I had the moral high ground, it was only by virtue of having less cars than him. No one has any right to wherever they want to park if it is a main road with no restrictions. If we played it by the rules then we'd have a lot of anarchy in the street. I've always liked to think we have this agreement with each other - unwritten or spoken - where by we park in our usual spaces unless a stranger parks there, in which case we normally move our cars as soon as they leave. But Fuckwit, by sticking his now 'other' car on the road has thrown everything out and he has further proved that he is either a complete and utter wanker or he's got this petty pernicious streak in him. I mean, the hopeless wankstain hasn't worked for about 25 years, due to his debilitating disability of burping inappropriately; he is obviously so bored he likes playing little games with the rest of the street. It has to be that; I cannot believe he is that fucking stupid.

But, perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps there has never been an unwritten parking agreement; perhaps it's just that Fishwife hears me ranting about Fuckwit so often that he's realised that it's safer for him and his own to not park anywhere near my allotted area. Perhaps the others in my street are just a bunch of selfish arseholes...


This is my life at the moment. Fretting about parking in the road. God, I need a job...


Sticking with the banality theme. Make the most of today, it could be the last hot day before September. It might even be the last hot day of the summer. My long range forecast has been about 80% accurate so far.


Thanks to RnB for giving me the idea of publishing My Monthly Curse on Amazon's Kindle thingy. I'm in the process of jumping through hoops and filling in forms, but hopefully those of you with a Kindle and a few quid to spare can read the entire book in one go rather than wait for the next 8 months worth of instalments.

More news when I have it, but if I can sell ten I can afford to eat next week!

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