The above was written at 12:00 last night. I suddenly had a massive panic attack about my age and went and killed myself. Fortunately I got better, which is why I am talking to you all now!
I got a laptop and a new wok and £100's worth of Amazon vouchers and a big bag of grass (which, of course I handed in to the nearest police station) and a memory stick and a laptop case and the wok has a lid and a wheelbarrow and, no the wok does not have its own wheelbarrow - get with the flow of consciousness now, dammit and lots of cards, a panda (who may or may not be angry or even dead) and if some bastard who hasn't already bought my book would buy it Amazon would owe me £330 and thanks my one of my adorable nieces I am listening to the Moody Blues, which is a pretty good thing to be listening to on your birthday and I am not getting drunk tonight as I am going to probably get drunk tomorrow in the company of good friends and a nice beer and I have had a dodgy tummy today, but that might be because I have eaten nothing but cake, which proves without a doubt that even if the Marie Antoinette story is bollocks it's a good thing instead of bread and I also got ties from some of my kids and that was possibly the nicest present I got because I really didn't expect it, in fact I got so many well wishes from the kids today that I fell back in love with my job, at least until tomorrow when the flying monkey children return with laser beams and poisonous claws and maybe I won't hand that big bag of grass in after all because I might need some sedation if the beer doesn't work and in case you haven't noticed, I'm trying very hard to make this the longest sentence ever written, which, according to Google will be finished around my 60th birthday if I am serious about it, which I am obviously not as I have better things to do with the next ten years, but so far this week I have listened to the Secret Machines, Ulrich Schnauss, the aforementioned Moody Blues, the Prodigy, Enter Shikari (ugh!) and some fucking dubstep nonsense at the behest of one of my usual suspects, which I have to say had the expected reaction of me (thinking) what is this awful shit, but obviously as a statement rather than a question otherwise this sentence would have ended abruptly!
Thank you everybody who has sent 50th birthday messages. Yes, I am 50. It was a shock, but unfortunately Father Time is one mean motherfucker and he stops for no one, not even someone as cool, handsome and sexual virile as me. I love you all, now fuck off and do something cool! xx