Pop Culture: Impossible Missions

Don't forget the spoilers because there will be some... 

Impossible 2

For the want of a more inventive subtitle, we began our Cruise marathon with the second Mission Impossible film. This is the John Woo one and while it is probably most famous for Tom's free climbing at the beginning of the film, there's not much else in it that is memorable.

However, before I get into this a word of explanation. We're not bothering with Mission Impossible the first film. We've seen it several times and I actually remember it; when I reminded the wife, she remembered it too. It is a much better film than II but that wouldn't be difficult...

It's strange movie - quite a milestone really, because Dougray Scott turned down the role of Wolverine in the X-Men film to star as the villain in this and frankly I think the Scot missed the opportunity to probably become as big as Huge Ackman. He's suitably bonkers in this film showing extremely well how he might have made the slightly feral mutant his own. Instead he's reduced to the nutty villain role in Woo's overwrought and overplayed action thriller.

That's the film's problem; it's full of bad dialogue, slightly implausible set ups and enormous stretches of one's belief. In fact, this movie almost killed the entire franchise. It bombed at the box office; critics hated it and the film had almost 45 minutes cut from the original length, because Woo's first version was almost three hours long. This might explain why there are some huge plot holes and jumps in narrative or scenes that didn't sit right.

The plot is almost topical; a biochemical company creates a deadly 'flu' virus that kills inside 31 hours and this is stolen by a former IMF operative - Scott - who is basically after a load of money and will go to great lengths to get it. From this moment on the movie is essentially about choreographing as many action scenes as possible. There's less gadgetry and hi tech ideas than the first film despite it looking and sounding like it's cutting edge and modern; in fact it's very much a hall of mirrors with not much happening for over two hours until you get the dreadfully paced finale where Cruise and Scott dance their way into the final confrontation. 

Looking at John Woo's filmography, it's pretty obvious that this was his Hollywood swan song, his final big movie because after this he has done nothing of note and mainly is back in China making films there. That's probably because Mission Impossible II is quite dreadful, cost a huge amount of money and needed serious (bad) doctoring to make it to the cinemas. Next up III.

III is the Magic Number

Everything that is bad about Mission Impossible II is rectified in III. It is a tight and taut thriller that is, in many ways, a remake of II even down to the super intelligent psychopath determined to have Ethan Hunt's head, but surely all these films or James Bond films (I'm not sure I haven't ever watched one all the way through, well maybe Dr No but I couldn't tell you anything about it) are essentially the same meat with a different gravy, or is that a different meat with the same gravy - you decide.

III has an unusual beginning; it's like JJ Abrams - the director - wants to recreate that TV series feel by having a snippet of a later scene just to let you know where you're going to end up. There's a weird feeling about it because it leaves you slightly disconcerted, like you might have missed something. Was there a Mission Impossible 2½ that no one told me about? Then it's back to the beginning as Ethan appears to be acting like a completely normal guy at his engagement party.

From that point on it's simply a rollercoaster of a ride with action sequences that make John Woo's rather flowery balletic scenes pale into insignificance; I mean, it's only been six years since II technology hadn't changed that much.

You'd know, even if you didn't see it coming, that Billy Crudup is probably going to be the bad guy because he usually is, but the real bad guy is Philip Seymour Hoffman (RIP) who really plays the nasty bastard psycho extremely well, even better than Dougray Scott in II and he had psycho-chops on him. It's a good film but it's also formulaic because that is what the Impossible Mission Force is all about even if they go about it in a protracted way with the usual red herrings and dead ends you'd expect. This is the film that not only saved the franchise, but set it up for bigger and better things, which will be explored in...

The Ghost Proctologist 

Brad Bird, who directed the best superhero film of all time, took the helm of the fourth instalment Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and despite following arguably more illustrious directors made the fourth part the best one so far.

It should be noted that we don't think we've ever seen this before. Usually most films ring some bells with us although not always, but this one, apart from the Burj Kalifa section - which, of course, was all over the TV back in 2011 because Cruise does his own stunts, was completely new to us. I think we probably thought we'd watched it so never bothered watching it.

Obviously it's an action espionage thriller but this one traded complex action sequences for constant tension - I don't think I've seen a film that ramps up the tension so much and that's even when you know the good guys are going to win. It felt like the entire film was on a knife edge and the weird thing was everything about it slotted together at the end in a way that felt clever rather than contrived. It also explained what happened to Ethan's wife, but didn't feature Ving Rhames until the very end, which was a shame as Luther is a good character.

This also had the most subdued villain so far in Michael Nyquist - a scientist who believes that by bringing an end to the human race the planet has a future, but he's not an eco-terrorist and he's surprisingly capable in a fight, despite never being portrayed as someone who could do anything but fight his way out of a paper bag. The moving car park scenes were crazy good but also just a little unbelievable with added humour. However, I'm not quite finished with this film's review...

A (Very) Quick Interlude

I find myself in a strange situation. We had the night off from our week of Mission Impossible films to watch a film that has been torn to shred by film critics and that we both went into fearing the worst. So imagine our surprise when we watched the second superhero film in a week that we really liked!

I'm talking about The Flash. It is an absolutely wonderful film full of laughter, tragedy and time travel wonkiness - I loved it. I thought Ezra Miller was fabulous and played the two Barry Allens to perfection. Michael Keaton reprising his role as Batman was also quite brilliant, in fact I couldn't find much wrong with it at all; I don't know what all the negative fuss is about. It was the Flash film I really wanted it to be and it's just a shame we're probably not going to see this version ever again.

A quick aside, you might notice near the beginning, when Barry steals a man's hotdog just as he was about to bite into it. The man with the missing wiener is none other than Game of Thrones' Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, but he's uncredited, so this might be a useful pub quiz answer in the years to come.

As I said, it's essentially a time travel film but unlike others this one grabs it by the scruff of the neck  and essentially reinvents the multiverse - literally - and gives us a satisfying, if slightly [deliberately] confusing conclusion. It's a cracking film, worth the 2½ hours and probably only let down by a really poor post-credit scene that doesn't really add anything. I also thought it was a different type of superhero film handled in a clever way and without unnecessary super shenanigans. Watch it with an open mind and you'll really like it. It's got too much CGI but arguably you can't do The Flash without it, it's a fun film with a heart and real love. 

Brogue Nation

There's this thing about the MI films; it's predominantly about villains. We had a couple of feral psychos in Dougray Scott and Philip Seymour Hoffman and then it went completely volte face with Michael Nyquist's Eco-Peacenik-nutter who thought that by destroying the planet he was going to save it. In fact, the only thing about Ghost Protocol that sat wrongly with me was Nyquist's fight with Ethan Hunt towards the end of the film; the guy was a nerd, Ethan should have taken him out in seconds.

That brings us nicely to Solomon Lane, played by Sean Harris, an erudite but slightly bonkers rogue agent of MI5 who has assembled his own anti-IMF and has a double agent working alongside him in the form of Ilsa Faust - possibly the most Bondian stupid name to ever grace a British spy - who herself has gone a bit rogue because she's acting as Ethan's unofficial guardian angel.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation isn't as good as the film before it, but that might be down to there being too much in it to do it proper justice. We never really learn enough about Ilsa or Solomon or even Alec Baldwin's head of the CIA to really care about them when the story gets going, but the idea of Ethan going up against an ex-MI5 agent who is as resourceful and conveniently linked as he is makes an entertaining watch even if it felt far more contrived than any previous film. Almost like it acted as a huge set up for things to come - which, of course, it was.

McQuarrie doesn't do a bad job in directing the film, but it seemed to lack in action and was replaced by actual espionage stuff, which naturally made the film feel slower and less urgent, especially when you see that Lane is really just a Hans Gruber type and in it for the money as well as any ideological reason. Of the five films watched so far, I'd place it firmly in middle with a couple that are better and a couple that are worse

Cruise Hair Fallout

The sixth film in the franchise very much wraps things up, with nods back to the earlier films including some free climbing, running across rooftops and a spectacular motorbike chase through the streets of Paris. Mission Impossible: Fallout is full on and very confusing if you didn't watch the previous film. Lots of people come back for a second go, some of them don't make it to the end, especially secretaries of IMF and one of the team was too busy fighting Thanos in Endgame.

Is it a good film? Well, it is relentless, but while Chris McQuarrie has done an adequate job of directing these last two films, it's lacking the soul that Brad Bird injected into Ghost Protocol, which I think is the best in the franchise. More globetrotting and lots more fights, explosions and improbable situations - parts were like Star Wars meets Superman, but that might have something to do with good old wooden Henry Cavill, who doesn't play a good American and was obviously the villain from almost the moment he first appears.

The disavowed and the going rogue angles are growing tiresome and a bit boring, especially when everything is great and back to normal by the end - that part of the formula doesn't work. The team are all getting old so I expect Dead Reckoning Parts 1 & 2 will be geriatrics on Zimmer frames with guns...

Penultimate Secrets

Oh for the love of something, how can Marvel/Disney justify this pile of shite? Another 30 minute episode of half-arsed bollocks that fails to hit the spot in almost every single way. With the exception of Liv Coleman as Sonya Falsworth this series has been a monumental misfire. 

Usually penultimate episodes tread water, tie up some plot threads and generally preamble around setting the scene for the finale; the problem with Secret Invasion is almost fuck all has happened in the five episodes so far so having a preamble in the fifth section seems a wee bit self-indulgent. Does Disney read the reviews of their products? If they do they'll know that this failed to hit the mark on so many levels.

Gravik's rebellion is going tits up - his army of loyal Skrulls no longer seem very loyal as they get wasted by their leader for showing doubts about Gravik's slightly ludicrous plan to take over the planet via nuclear war. He appears to be on his own now, which is a massive shift from just two episodes ago. Emilia Clarke continues to bimble about with no real purpose and Fury seems a wee bit pointless in his own series. Only Coleman does anything and her scenes are mainly brilliant and make you wonder why they didn't make it about her? 

It's going to take something special to elevate this above being literally one of the worst Marvel TV series so far. If you thought She Hulk was bad or Moon Knight was pointless wank, then if you haven't seen this you're going to start wondering if Disney+ is in a race to the bottom.

Disconnected

Only Connect is back and Vicky Coren-Mitchell is almost 50 years old. This is the first time she's started to look her age and my late-life crush on her disappeared faster than a spent erection...

Rubbish Squared

We've never watched Cube a sci-fi horror film from 1997 with Nicole (DS9) Boer and David (Stargate) Hewlett about six random individuals trapped in a series of interlocking cubes, some are booby trapped while others are safe. I now know why we never watched it.

It's a Canadian film and let that put you off, because for all the inventiveness the idea of the film has it's a really poorly acted, extremely shouty film. In fact, it's like shouting was the only option left to the actors when being wigged out grew boring. It's an odd movie because it essentially offers no explanation or reason for the cubes-within-a-cube's existence, apart from the fact that Hewlett's character was paid to construct the outer shell - so why he's in the boxes is a bit of a mystery.

It's a kind of prototype to torture porn films like Saw; put people in impossible situations and see how far and extreme they'll go to get out of it. It's a really interesting and inventive idea, but that's about all it has going for it; it's like a one act play divided into different colours (and that might sound strange, but essentially the entire film was made in one box just the colours changed) and it's really quite dreadful, despite its 7.1 rating on IMDB. We recorded it off Film4 as it was on in the middle of the night and I thought it might waste an hour and a half - it did but not in the positive way I hoped...

Trailer Tease Time

Marvels trailer landed this week and I'm suitably underwhelmed by it. It didn't tell me anything really; there's a new Kree villain - played by Zawe Ashton (Tom Hiddlestone's fiancée) - and a bit of Nick Fury and a couple of characters from Marvel TV shows, the cat that's an alien and some fights. There is absolutely nothing in the trailer that says WATCH ME. Obviously I will and who knows I might be pleasantly surprised. I won't hold my breath. 

Next Time

It might be time for a Jason Bourne marathon. I replenished the Flash Drive of Doom with a bunch of films we actually haven't seen, such as Sicario and Man on Fire and there's the finale of Secret Invasion which needs to pull out ALL the stops to stop it from being Marvel's worst TV show so far - and that's really not an easy bar to lower.