Friday, September 17, 2010

Mondo Bondage

Despite sound advice from a number of friends, I failed to kick my Haven habit and I sat and watched the latest episode the other evening. It was, quite possibly, the worst episode so far, if that was possible. It was so bad, I'm not even going to bother highlighting the bad bits, because I'm pretty sure there will eventually be a drinking game called Haven Inconsistencies, at which I will die of alcohol poisoning.

Haven's biggest problem, apart from that its utter crap, is it feels as though it has been made by people who don't know how to make television. The Gates might be a major network attempt to cash in on True Blood, but at least the people who make it know how to make television. Rhona Mitra might be the worst actor in the world, but at least the production values disguise this some what (and this is a show with zero budget for SFX).

Last night, I settled down to watch a show that had just received the accolade of being the most watched show on US TV that was written and produced by Canadians. What significance this has to anything is beyond me. I will though stick my neck out and suggest that by the time the viewing figures come in for the second episode, it may be the lowest watched TV show written and produced by Canadians.

Lost Girl is the sloppy seconds of the current horror TV genre. Lost Girl makes Haven seem like an Academy Award nominee. Lost Girl is actually so bad, I'm not going to watch any more.

The opening episode was jaw-droppingly abysmal and was riddled with so many holes they could have just called the show Swiss Cheese. It begins with a slimy bar hound attempting to chat a barmaid up; he buys two drinks, slips a rohipnal in one and offers it to the barmaid, saying he bought it for her. She declines, saying its against company policy to drink while behind the bar. Disgruntled, the would be date rapist turns his attention to the rest of the bar and spots a pretty blond, who we know is actually a pickpocket. He offers her the drink; she downs it and splits. Mr Rapist follows and as she succumbs to the drug, he begins his moves. Out of nowhere appears the girl behind the bar, the one who declined the drink. She comes on strong with Mr Rapist and eventually drains the life out of him through a passionate kiss. Our heroine is a succubus!

What followed was a hotch-potch of half-arsed ideas, never explored and replaced with unbelievable dialogue; wooden characters and really bad acting. The succubus - Bo - is a stunningly attractive brunette, except, she's not stunningly attractive. Anna Silk looks a little like your plain next door neighbour put through a Gok Wan treatment and remodelled to look a bit like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. She refers to herself as hot; a doctor tells her she is unbelievably beautiful and people - male or female - look at her with lust pouring out of them. She isn't. Perhaps this is the in joke of the show or perhaps it isn't.

Lost Girl is gritty - someone says 'shitty' and there's a hint of nudity. The sidekick speaks Russian and is sponsored by iPhones. The bad guys (?) all. Talk. Like. THAT! And get this, the strange creatures in the show, including Bo the succubus, are all Fae - the name for 'a superior offshoot of the human race'. The Fae are better than humans, much much better, and a damned more civilised. So, when Bo becomes known to them, what do they do? They put her through a series of ordeals designed to kill her. A big monster man with hammers and a guy with long fingers that tries to convince you to die. Mind and body tests, which Bo completes easily, then tells the baddies to stuff their offer and walks away. Despite having been in chains for most of the scenes.

It's not just bad, its awful. Anna Silk, the star, makes Jaime Murray (of Hustle, Dexter and Warehouse 13) appear like Dame Judy Dench's equal; her potential love interest is a hybrid of Chris Martin and Yosemite Sam and there's another character who talks like he's got a poo sticking out of his arse and is desperate not to drop a load in his pants.

It wasn't even funny. I should have laughed at it unique awfulness, but it was so dire that even my irony bone had gone to sleep. I mentioned The Gates, the main reason for that was because in it there is a character called Andi. She's a 15 year old horny young thing who just happens to be a succubus. Her section of the Gates' rambling character list gets about 6 minutes air time a week, but her story of a succubus struggling to come to terms with her 'ailment' is so much better and thought out than Lost Girl. Plus Skyler Samuels is a certainty for bigger things in her future.

Avoid Lost Girl even if you think you could do with a laugh. It will have you wondering how shit like this gets commissioned in the first place and makes you scream at the TV - I could do better than that!

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