The main reason I would never have been a successful journalist is not because I wasn't good enough, but because I seem to have a moral compass that Fleet Street doesn't.
I remember voicing my indignation at Tiger Woods earlier this year. Not for sleeping with every V shaped object he found close to hand, but for doing that American thing of apologising to the world for his 'indiscretions'. Personally, if I had the skill and money of Tiger woods, I would have told the press that whoever I fuck is actually between me and the recipient and absolutely nothing to do with them or their readers. This wasn't me advocating adultery, far from it, it was me making a statement that even public figures are entitled to their privacy.
In the last week we've had a few of these things happen again. First we had Tory dwarf Bill Vague being 'outed' as a possible homosexual because he shared a room with an assistant who just happened to have a penis, too. My first reaction was, "So what?" My second reaction was that the press are basically a bunch of amoral, pernicious and soulless cocks.
Then there's the Wayne Rooney business. Let's put it this way, if Wazza wasn't married to the charmingly lovely Colleen, the headline probably would have read "Rooney has to buy a Shag", because, frankly, he's never going to be an oil painting. Rooney, whether he likes it or not, has become a national icon, therefore he can no longer be himself, which, I think we're all agreed on, is an oik. Personally, I feel the ex-Oxbridge prostitute, who charged him £1,200, should have charged more.
We are fast becoming a clone of the USA (again). Do you know that compensation claims through courts have risen by something stupid like 800% since 1980? That's the Yanks' influence. We now think about what we can get out of a crisis rather than what we can contribute to it resolution. The cult of celebrity, which is laughable to any intelligent human being, has become this incredible industry of its own, with celebrity magazines, website and multimedia at every turn. If you want to know who's been botoxed, butt-lifted, banged by or bunged by just look in your WH Smiths and you'll find dozens of scraps of multicoloured toilet paper to choose from.
As for Wazza. Well, he's a footballing genius and like previous footballing geniuses this kingdom has produced - such as Paul Gascoigne and George Best - he has always had that feel about him that he could go off the rails at any given notice. this, of course, is what every Red Top editor is praying for every night. because there is something more explosive than watching a genius tear an opposing football team a new arsehole, that's watching the genius tear himself apart.
The Dove World Outreach Centre makes me laugh. I just wish a lot of fundamentalist Muslims could feel the same way. What this bunch of Christian loonies are contemplating doing is stupid, senseless and inflammatory; it also doesn't really represent the thoughts of the majority of the rest of the population (apart from assorted enclaves in the Deep South of the USA who will probably have celebratory hog roasts - with Koran stuffing - and raise a beer to Terry Jones, the man responsible for this superbly contemptible PR exercise.
Muslims all over the world should be viewing this as exactly what it is, a stupid act perpetrated by a bunch of ignorant redneck imbeciles. They should not be thinking about retaliation, they should go public offering these idiots their prayers and saying that they will ask Allah to guide these misguided souls. The only way to fight this kind of ignorance is to stand up to it and kick its arse with the kind of rhetoric these bible-thumping miscreants understand.
I have put myself in the frame to do a bit of a return to what I used to do best. It was just an idea I had and put to someone else, but I need a bit of a new hobby and this thing might just fit the bill...