Black and White Town

A film recommendation: see Despicable Me its a great film and seems to continue the tradition for kids' CGI films being a damned sight better than most of the shite that gets made nowadays. It is a touch sentimental at times, but, oddly enough, that's the entire point of the film. It will also have you laughing like a fool in many places.

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Woke up yesterday morning to a light dusting of snow; a frozen duck pond and a next door neighbour who seems intent on chatting inane bollocks regardless of the weather - which was still chucking it down with the white stuff. I was in a rush; I had to get to One Ell's house to help him destroy things; I was freezing my bollocks off and I had a cup of tea stewing in a mug. This was the third time this week that the neighbour in question has just decided that I look as though I need to be talked to. Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely bloke, but he's also a bit of a fishwife (which incidentally is part of the name of a poem I read in 1982 and have been unable to find ever since*)...

Anyhow, despite us having the snowiest winter since 1963 last (this) year, people in cars are complete plonkers. I saw a prang, between a Peugeot and a black van and amazingly it wasn't the black van's fault; although to be fair he - the driver - could have been a but more aware. It's like 9.15am, the thermometer says -1 and the roads have a layer of snow on them. You don't attempt to go for the gap in traffic in this kind of weather without fucking up. I wanted to get out of my car, tap on the Peugeot driver's window and ask him if he felt like a twat.

But, I still got to One Ell's; we destroyed things, put excellently burnable wood in the back of my car and by the time we'd finished there was no snow left to speak of.

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*Conan the Fishwife was the name of the poem. I was given it at my first ever Glastonbury festival, which I think was 1982, if there was one in 1981 then it might have been that one. It entertained us all for most of the long weekend and partly that was probably due to the amounts of illegal drugs we consumed. I've searched for it several times on the 'net since, but I think it is something that has been lost forever.

But, speaking of poems... Jesus, I can't believe I'm agreeing to this (and it isn't even one of mine). I have been requested to reprint a poem my brother-in-law Neil wrote at least 15 years ago, in honour of a very special man who is being honoured for his work in children's television.

The poem is called appropriately Brian Cant and I'm only doing this because 3 people requested it (4 if you count Mike)...

Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cant, Brian Cunt.

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This week I shall mainly be playing CDs that are not in conventional clear plastic CD cases.

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After a long discussion with the wife (you remember her); it has been decided that I need to use ... product. I think you know what I mean. It has been something that I've avoided for most of my life. I don't do men's stuff like that. I've never used hair gel; I've never really been an aftershave person and essentially I use deodorant. Full stop. I've never needed to use anything else. A few years ago, I relented and started to use conditioner; but only once in a blue moon. However, my biggest fear was that once you start to use these things you have to continue - like going to the dentist.

The wife noticed that the dry skin problem I seem to have developed since stopping smoking (yeah, it is weird) needs addressing and I've had to agree with her. So, I'm using... ahem... coconut moisturiser on my face and some form of hand cream stuff on my, er, hands. I said, 'This doesn't seem to be doing much?' and was informed that I have to keep using it now to be able to feel the benefit. See? I told you; start using these things and you have to continue! Bastards!

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The wife won a scanner at a works raffle last Christmas. I decided to check it out today. I grabbed it out of the cupboard and saw that it had written on a sheet of paper the words 'Brand New'. Excellent, thinks me. I can scan all of those bloody photographs I have and maybe some from 30 years ago to impress the people I'm going to be reconnecting with next Saturday at an Old Friends Reunion at the Bold Dragoon, in Weston Favell.

We already had a perfectly working scanner until one of the dogs decided to chew the power cable to bits. The scanner, a very old, but perfectly good one, is so obsolete that you cannot buy the power cable for it any more and, of course, it's a unique to the model and make kind. So, that left the 'Brand New' one. Which wasn't.

The USB lead looked as though it had been stuck up a dog's arse for a couple of years and then chewed by a donkey. It had never come out of its box, so mine couldn't be blamed. It was broken, rusty and one of those fixed unit jobbies which means even if I could replace it, I couldn't without dismantling it and rebuilding it with the correct electronic components.

I've discovered that I can buy one for loose change over £40; so I'm doing that...

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Sticking with the earlier repetition theme: bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks...