Hard Day's Night

Let's lighten things up a bit...

The picture to my left is edited. I can't get the original anywhere apart from inside today's G2 (The Guardian's tabloid shaped daily insert). It's a good picture of the woman who will be queen. However, I'm confused. You see the full version of this picture of Kate Middleton outside Blenheim Palace in 2004 shows off her ample thighs and one wonders if there has been a block put on the full picture because they make her look like she has legs that could crush ol' jug Ears' first son's cranium should he delve anywhere near them during bedroom antics; if you catch my drift! There is also the fact that it's one of the few pictures - in its entirety - that makes Ms Middleton look a bit horsey and possibly likes nothing better than to go orf on a hunt or sit around on a horse with a shotgun slung over one arm and a bloodied fox over t'other.

I know someone who went to school with William's mother. The big issue back in the early 1980s was whether or not she was a virgin; I mean, you couldn't have the future King of England getting married to some old tart who'd had more pricks in her than a second hand dart board, could you? I'm betting that Kate and Wills have been making the beast with two backs for over 8 years; either that or he's got a really cramped right hand and she's going into the wedding as a frustrated would be spinster!

Good luck to her; she needs it.

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While searching for the previously mentioned picture, I found a picture of Rush's lead singer and bass guitarist, Geddy Lee amongst the 'Kate Middleton Getty images Blenheim Palace' search. Yes, it threw me a little as well; so I clicked on it and saw that some Canadian news agency was canvassing famous Canadians for their reaction to the Royal Engagement (have you noticed how its all proper nouns now?). Unfortunately for all of us I couldn't find Geddy's comments. I know how gutted you all must be...

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So, yeah, in case you hadn't noticed there's going to be an austerity Royal Wedding; just to cheer us all up a bit when everything else is shit in a handbasket with an express ticket to Hell. Call me cynical, but I just had this vision of Dave calling up the Queen and saying, "What ho, old gal, we're in a bit of a pickle and those blasted socialists will be back in power before you can say tax evasion, unless we do something to take their minds orf it. I can't very well start a war, no money in the old coffers you see and besides that woman you didn't like has already tried that. Any chance of a royal wedding? What? What?"

What does it all mean for us? Possibly a paid day orf work? Lots of worthless memorabilia? 24/7 televisual bollocks? Lots of faked Kate Middleton porn cropping up on the net? I just hope the latter is done with a semblance of originality - she hasn't got whacking great norks (but she does have thunderous thighs!).

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I remember embarrassing the wife at an art gallery in Cumbria many years ago by declaring that modern art is well and truly just a load of arse. I haven't changed my mind. I mean, face it, anyone can cut a cow in half and dunk it in formaldehyde; even I could do an installation based on what my bedroom looks like after a few days of not tidying it up (I can also dress up in drag and look like an old dog); we could design some pots and dress up in woman's clothing and look like we've just escaped from a mental institution. Or alternatively, you can hire ex number of thousand Chinese labourers to work for bugger all painting little porcelain seed shaped things to look like half a million sunflower seeds that you can then tip over the floor of the Tate Modern and pass it off as art.

Some modern art isn't even art. It's just pretentious bollocks presented by loud and extroverted wankers who believe their own hype and are blessed with other wankers believing them. Because, if you want to be in the In Crowd then you have to appreciate this kind of wanky jizzum.

But, saying that; there's a new ballet coming out that's set during the blitz. I want to say something, but I think I'll just settle for ?????

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Part one of my 17th of November health day is over. It would have been a health trilogy, but my physio assessment has been cancelled until December 22nd. Yes, after waiting 3 weeks, I got a call yesterday saying the person I had to see was off sick (I could see the irony) and the next available appointment is 3 days before that thing that happens the week before New Year.

So, the dentist is really pleased that I've stopped smoking and now wants to give me teeth and gums a good deep cleaning. I can see my fear of dentists returning, I really can...

Part two is in an hour. There might be an addendum to this.

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Good pal Roger has had one of his wonky fingers hacked about by a mad surgeon. He just sent me a picture of his heavily bandaged hand sticking out of his brightly coloured dressing gown with the word 'ouch' accompanying it. I could see what looked like blood on the bandage.

I am squeamish.

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I have the utmost respect for Aung San Suu Kyi; she's been under house arrest for best part of her adult life; she's campaigned tirelessly for pro-democracy in Burma and lives in a country where us Brits have no comprehension of how bad it must be if we don't agree with the ruling Junta.

But seriously, you would have thought she would have had a day off. She gets released from her imposed arrest and what's the first thing she does? She's back on the same political schpiel that got her locked up in the first place. Advocating peaceful revolution is one way of getting right up the Burmese government's nose. You would have thought she would have taken a day off, gone and visited some relatives; had a day at the beach, gone and looked around all the new shops in her local city. But no, there she is holding interviews with every news agency that is prepared to shove a camera up her nose. I really hope she doesn't get into trouble, but one can't help think that if she does get stuck back under house arrest, she's the only person to blame...

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We're a week away from The Ashes - the periodical cricket series between England (with a lot of ex-South Africans) and Australia. The betting has it swinging backwards and forwards between who is fancied to win this test of cricketing notoriety. We haven't beaten the Aussies on their own turf for a long time, nearly 30 years I believe and they are allegedly in decline, while we're ahead of them in the cricket world rankings for the first time since WG Grace played test cricket (or so you'd think).

Everybody's bigging up our chances of causing an upset and coming home with the replica urn of burnt stump ashes, of which the real one stays at the MCC in Lords in perpetuity unless Prince Charles goes to Sydney for some cottaging. Personally, I think we're going to lose, simply because every one thinks we're going to win, so by the time the 4th test on Boxing Day comes along, we're all going to be crying into our mulled wine and wondering what we have to do. Meanwhile Ricky Ponting will have crept even higher up the Death Wish List of anyone who knows owt about crickit!

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In case you've forgotten; there's going to be a Royal Wedding next year. Are you sick of it yet?

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New bits - added extra addendum!

I have spondylosis, which is a problem that will never go away but with proper management will be kept at bay. I have also been suffering from a prolapsed disc, which has been fucking up my sciatic nerve and causing me all this pain and differing it to other places. This is a relief, even if I'm not getting that much pain relief. Have an appointment at the spinal injuries clinic next month and they will assess whether or not I'll need surgery!

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Monster mash!

I had a really colourful dinner, the recipe of which I will put up in Glass Onion (part F), but the upshot was it was the most colourful meal I've ever had. Yellow for sweetcorn, green for broccoli, red for peppers, white for cauliflower, a brownish gloop with various other vegetables in it and purple mash...

Purple mash?

Oh yes. Majesty potatoes make very nice mashed potatoes. The only thing is they come out a dark lilac colour. It's quite off putting really; you don't expect actual purple food. yeah, you can get purple sprouting broccoli and purple dwarf beans but they lose that colour and revert to green. only aubergines stay their colour and you sort of expect that. having bright purple mash is disconcerting. very nice, but disconcerting!