I wrote a blog entry on Monday. The gist of it was how I was feeling; not physically and the precipice I found myself on; that state of mind that could go one of two ways; into the blackest of pits or magically bounce back into even keel. At about 7pm on Bank Holiday Monday, I made coal look bright. I had had a weekend of abject misery and silence and the entire house was stressed out to the max. I sat down and wrote a kind of Nostalgia Factory entry, which I might use one day, and geared myself up for hell's worst nightmare.
Yet here I am, three days later and remarkably buoyant. Perhaps sitting and writing it down acted as a kind of catharsis; who knows. All I knew was the blackest of moods on Tuesday began to lift and Wednesday I had a smile on my face. Today I had actually laughed twice - one spontaneously - and started to feel like my normal self again. I'm still feeling the after effects of having one of my 'stress monster' moments; but that's what I think it was. On Sunday, I thought I was heading for a period of depression almost bi-polar in nature and then some dormant memories in my head reawakened.
In my book about comics, I talk about the pressure, bullying and stress I was under when I worked at the magazine; but I don't think I talked about the periods of time when I became the Stress Monster - a phrase coined by my old doctor in Wellingborough, "Mr Hall, you are a stress monster," he might have called me Phillip, but I tend to block out that name; it isn't mine, not any more. I had periods where I suppose you could say I was depressed, but in reality I just had some form of stress attack, where I got knotted up mentally and physically. The constant reminder of this was the dull ache I had at the base of the right side of my neck, like I had a constantly pulled muscle. The day after I left it disappeared - no shit.
Before I used to work out tension, I'd do the thing I became quite infamous for - kneejerking. But I learned and sometimes the hard way. I have had a couple of proper bouts of depression in the last ten years and they are different, yet similar, but also identifiable; you just need to be able to make the connection before you slip down the slope. I might have done that, however...
... The dull ache is back...
So there I was, reading a review in the Guardian a few weeks ago and I discovered one of my favourite bands of the 1990s had reformed and John Harris (I think) was extolling its virtues, calling it one of the best albums of the century so far - high praise indeed.
The last time I saw this band was at the Roadmender one cold March evening back in 199something. I was off my tits on ecstasy and sweating like a pig. Then they disappeared.
I completely forgot about this review and the band - when you get to 50 stuff like that happens (so watch out) and then yesterday I saw an advert for one of the festivals this year, saw they were appearing and decided to go and see if I could find this band's new album. I was going to do what I usually do with albums now, download it - illegally - if I like it, buy it.
The problem was I didn't know what the album was called, so I looked on Wikipedia, got the name of the album, downloaded it and then, for some reason, I thought I'd read the wiki entry to find out whatever happened to the band during their hiatus. I'm reading the entry and at one point it says when the band moved to London they met the man who would become their manager, a guy called Andy Winter...
"Nah," I thought. "Can't be the same Andy Winter I know", but there was a link to Andy Winter's wiki page and as sure as sheep shit, the guy called Andy Winter was 'my' Andy Winter and he was the manager of Dodgy!!!
Except, he isn't. My Andy is familiar with the band and that's about it. He has never been the manager of Dodgy, so it must be another Andy Winter and some bright spark must have put 2 and 2 together and come up with 31.
Damn and there was me thinking 'free tickets'...
Today, I am Bruce Willis in Die Hard. I have my white singlet on and hopefully by the time I take it off it will be green.
Oh... That last sentence makes all manner of suggestions about my personal hygiene...
- Would it surprise you if I said I had been listening to North Atlantic Oscillation? I am also boinging along to Amorphous Androgynous; breezing to Philip Glass's Metamorphosis piano thing; a bit of Engineers and I got the Storm Corrosion CD so will now listen to it as it was intended rather than a bootleg.
- I ordered the Crunchy Gusset books by Martin Tolkcraft or whatever his name is; they were sent on Friday, they haven't arrived and there has been no sign of a failed postal attempt.
- I am still reading Piss Through the Golf Hole or whatever the new King Dork Tower book is called. It seems quite apt considering the weather we've been having.
- Remind me to tell you about the slugs.
- Watching Homeland; thought I'd figured it out and then episode 7 came along and now I really am confused and I suppose that's what makes it good.
- Hello Annie!
- A mango for president.