Saturday, May 21, 2011

Ostrich Phlegm

Sitting here, just gone 1:00am and two chaps are walking up my road. They're talking loudly, my window is open and my blinds are pulled back.
"Blah blah blah, I was never really sure about [someone], he used to stare at my knees."
Mumbling from other person.
"It's very quiet. Why do you think it's quiet?"
"All the people are in bed."
"Do you think they're asleep?"
"There's someone who isn't asleep." I realise they're standing over the road, looking in at me looking at the computer screen. "Why aren't you asleep?"
"Shut up, he'll see us." There is a man about 50 standing over the road on the path and in the road is a younger man, possibly in his 20s on a bright yellow push bike.
The younger man falls off the push bike, just as a man who looks just like Roger walks past my house and under the street lamp, seemingly oblivious to everything.
"Don't fall off your bike. That will wake people up." The younger man mumbles something again and picks himself up, but leaves the bike in the road.
"I think I've cut my hand."
"Do you need to go to the hospital?" He stares straight at me and I look as though I'm writing something and not really looking at him.
"No, it's just a graze."
I decide to turn my monitor and desk lamp off, plunging me into darkness and I push my seat back as far as it will go. The two men are still jabbering away when someone, I think it was the man at 48 bellows something about pissheads and shutting the fuck up and making about three times the noise the two men are making.
"I am not a pisshead and my friend has fallen off his bike."
The younger man gets his bike and motions to the older man. "Come on. The shop's at the end of this road."
"Shop? It's fucking quarter past one in the morning, it's been shut over 2 hours!" Says the man over the road.
The older man turns to his friend. "That'll be why everyone's asleep." And they walk off in the direction of the closed shop, babbling away in a way that sounded anything but drunk, or stoned.


I was actually sitting here thinking about The Rapture and the fact that anyone who hasn't given his heart to Jesus is going to burn in an Earth-born hell, etc etc. I heard all about the last time this was supposed to happen from the brother of a good mate of mine, who was mysteriously transformed from a God-hating atheist with sarcastic overtones into Jesus' best friend in the whole world. He is Mr. Christian Fundamentalist.

One day, I'll give the whole story; I remember it well. But as it's late and I should go to bed I'll just share this. Earth is going to be topographically altered into a paradise that rises above the masses of mutated and transformed unbelievers. Only the chosen will stand at God's side and the rest of us will suffer an eternity of damnation.

How anyone takes these born again nutters seriously is beyond me sometimes...


  1. The ones I don't understand are the Mormons. As I understand it, only a limited number of them will get to paradise, so why are they going around recruiting all the time? Isn't that a bit self-defeating?

  2. As I understood it all the believers are to be whisked off to paradise leaving the Earth to the rest of us. Not a bad deal!
    If what kelvin says about The Mormons is right, does that make them the Lidl of Christian religions - pot luck whether or not the unknown brand you're buying will do what is says on the tin, assuming you can read Russian of course?

  3. I think the people who are left on Earth, after all the god-botherers are whisked skywards, are made to suffer the almighty's wrath. Earthquakes and fire, IIRC.

  4. The Mormons gave us Eliza Dushku, so they're all right by me.