Number 81

6:00     Breakfast with Bill Turnbull and Susanna Reid’s underwear.

Bill & Susanna’s underwear are joined on the sofa with two famous DJs from the 1970s who are desperately hoping their passports have been renewed in time before the Jimmy Savile investigation leads the police to their doors. Carol Kirkwood presents the weather in dresses slightly too small for her and that Geordie lass, the one with the extremely long legs and face, she’ll be at a dildo manufacturer’s in Telford.

9:00     Ten Minutes of Television Crammed Into One Hour

You will experience déjà vu several times during the watching of this programme. Julian Thing, that black bird and pick one from several dozen with a programme about how to buy a house, clean it and then rent it out to amusing people while being filmed for a shoestring. You will experience déjà vu several times during the watching of this programme.

10:00   Crap in the Attic

During the night a famous celebrity broke into someone’s house and took a big dump in their loft; Noel Edmonds, Mr Blobby and Todd Carty challenge a team of specially picked C-list celebrities to try and work out, using clues, who the celebrity is and where the house he or she took a shit in is situated.

11:00   Some Shite with Dick Van Dyke

87-year-old private investigator Rusty Shovel, his beefy 62-year-old son, his handsome but possibly gay 30 year-old grandson and the Hispanic kid from down the block solve crimes in the geriatric ward of a Florida golf clinic.

12:00   The One O’clock News @ 12 O’clock

Huw Edwards and Alex Jones give the impression the BBC believes in Welsh equality with an in-depth look at today’s top news. The weather is presented either by Alex Deacon if it’s going to be horrid or that fucking annoying Sarah Keith Lucas if it’s going to be nice, just to help ruin your day.

13:00   The One O’clock News with Someone English or George Alagiah

            The news.

13:30   Regional News (in this instant Look East with Stewart White and some horse)

13:45   NEW Escape From the Countryside

Davina McCall presents a new series where townies are dropped in the middle of nowhere full of a cocktail of drugs and have to find their way back to a town or city within 6 hours or they will explode.

14:30   Vintage HIGNFY

Paul Merton shows clips from the earliest series of Have I Got News For You with copious references to people and things most people watching today will have no idea about at all. Will feature snippets of Angus Deayton.

15:00   Play For Today Classics

Every day the BBC will show an old Play for Today which means that on the HD channel it will look well weird and most of these will be in black and white or have dead actors in them. Warning there might be some nudity as a lot of these were made in the 1970s when even Blue Peter presenters used to be massaging their baps at ten past five on a Tuesday.

16:00   Four Over Fifty Pissheads

Whatshername with the teeth and glasses, one of the Nolans, an ex-journalist and someone you don’t know but might have considered sexy had she not been 67 and talks about her ex-lovers like some women play bingo discuss all manner of marginally racy subjects in front of a whooping live audience. Today’s guests: Cliff Richards, Keith Richards, Viv Richards, Denise Richards and Little Richard.

17:00   Utterly Pointless

Alexander and the tall bloke cram a twenty minute quiz show into almost an hour with lots of impromptu banter, innuendo and sly digs at the retardation of many of the contestants.

18:00   More News this time with Sophie Raworth or Fiona Bruce

            A recap on things you already knew.

18:30   More Regional News with Stewart White, the tall skinny weather girl and Mike Liggins

            Yadda yadda yadda.

19:00   The Bloody One Show

Matt Baker, fucking Alex Jones and the ugly food critic make sly jokes about Chris Evans while the guest gets sly looks down her low cut top. With Gyles Brandreth letching after whoever is on the show and the obligatory crew member who has been elevated to national hero status but will ;probably be exposed as a predatory paedophile at some point in the future, probably just after he dies inexplicably in Bognor Regis.

19:30   Eastenders

20:00   Waterville Taxi Hip Street Hustle

Rupert Penry Jones stars in this unbelievably bland thing about stuff that only seems to interest commissioning editors at the BBC and yet claims to be watched by 40 trillion people. With Denis Waterman, that bird of Waking the Dead and Billy Piper.

21:00   Bastard Black Cop

Idris Elba or Denzel Washington (depending on which version you’re watching) as a tough, uncompromising cop in a crazy world where nothing makes sense in a kind of making sense way and you don’t know if it’s true or not very true or a lie even and the hero is mad right, he’s mad and he’s got a bit of a drink problem, but is it that much of a problem or is it a red herring to make you think he’s got a problem while the real villain traffics children. With Ben Elton in a piece of inspired casting as his comedy racist sidekick Larry.

22:00   FFS More News Already with bloody Huw Edwards or Sian Thingy off Breakfast

                More bloody news.

22:25   Janine Machin Presents Look East Topless

                More regional news.

22:30   Who The Fuck Are You?

Now that the known celebrities have been used up it’s time to wheel out the D-listers for more mindless banalities about immigrants, fighting injustice and salacious accusations.

23:30   Dubious Single Male and Weird Female Friend

The sitcom with a man more famous for being an average stand-up comedian and his slightly Asberger’s girlfriend portrayed by an ex-Page 3 model’s daughter. This week Steve accidentally gets invited round David Cameron’s house and ends up sleeping with Samantha while Debbie tries to cut the Chancellor of the Exchequer out of her will.

0:00     FILM: The Postman Always Rings At 69 Letsbe Avenue

(1972) Robin Asquith, Miriam Margoyles, Anthony Perkins, Bella Emberg, Ray ‘The Streak’ Stevens, Fenella Fielding, Linda Bellingham, Benny Hill and Linda Lusardi.

Hilarious slapstick comedy about a postman who mistakes two spinster teachers for a couple of S&M lesbians with a penchant for drugs and violence with tragic results. Directed by Sam Pekinpah.

02:00   Weatherview

With Laura Tobin dressed as a bullfighter and discussion from Louise Lear (who will always be in the shadow of the more sexier BBC weather girls)

02:10-

06:00     Programmes for the deaf, dumb and blind (with subtitles)