Number 82

Garden Of Geda
Life is just hell; don't argue because if you argue then you probably don't exist. People who are happy are programmes inserted into our brain while we're plugged into some Matrix type machine in a billion years, living someone's pathetic existence and all in the blink of an eye. This is what the future us do for entertainment; they live an entire lifetime in a second (time is after all relative) just to show how shit life was before we ascended into higher beings. Then you'll probably go to Nando's.
Regular viewers will have noticed that I got bored. Round of applause to the observant. The problem is today is a bad day. I have a very defined and arguably OCD approach to certain days. Here is my guide to Phil's Specific Days:

Today (date varies): the fucking clocks go back. Today is the only day of the year where I want Scotland to fall in the sea and everyone of them to die. Them and Tories. This is a bad day; me and my old man really hate today; it's shit and I'll fucking stab any cunt who says differently. Okay? December 21st (ish): This is a really ambivalent day. I love it and hate it in equal measure. I love it because the nights are starting to draw out again and I hate it because a) it's the shortest day and b) it isn't fucking Christmas yet.
December 25th: lay-in day; do nothing, sit around and complain about the commercialism of the season while being an atheist. Huge waste of time, if it has to happen then it should be like the Olympics and held somewhere else 99% of the time. That would fucking make it special for kids, wouldn't it? If they knew they had to wait 54 years before the next one?
January 29th: Dichotomy Day - do we celebrate it or do we commiserate? The day I started seeing the wife; the day my mother died - bummer...
March 4th: the wife's birthday, causes as much consternation as Christmas. She's got me what else could she possibly want or need?
March Something (date varies, but earlier the better): It could be snowing, the temperature could be cold enough to make Jordan's nipples fall off, but this will always be the best day ever. The clocks go forward.
March 21st (ish): Another really good day; the sun changes; daylight becomes God again. The only downside is that in recent years this also tends to be the summer (for a couple of days). 
April 19th: surprisingly I find this day not much to get excited about any more.
June 6th: don't ask me why, but this has always been a favourite day of mine.
June 21st: Not my favourite if I want to be honest. It could be 25 degrees, sunny, warm and the promise of another 100 consecutive days of perfect weather and I would still have a tinge of sadness. It is the equinox and the night's start drawing in...
August 31st: Okay, that's an odd one I grant you, but to me this is a pivotal day. It is, according to those preening cocks the Met Office, the last day of summer, however it often tends to be the day before the first day of summer as September in Blighty over the last 30 years has tended to be the best month of the lot (this one excepted).
September 13th: Anniversary day.
September 21st (ish): Technically the equal worst day in the calendar. Like today this isn't a great day especially if the weather is nice. This year I almost missed this day but I still managed to get a few words in before it happened, just to tell summer what an utter cock it's been this summer and if it does it again I'm going to be really pissed off with it.
October 1st: a day we allow to go through without thinking too much about it.

Qoquaq Ën Transic
Cold as Jack the Ripper's clunge collection; or at least that's what we think at the moment, until we realise that in a couple of months we'll be praying for days like this. We were talking last night about whether the word 'stickle' exists. According to this blog it does as there is no red line under it yet. The wife cited Stickleback but I said it was one word and not two and she also suggested Stickle Brick and that's why I started doubting the existence of the word 'stickle'.

You could pay good money for this stuff you know?

Dance of Ranyart

So here we are back in the fantastically exciting world of bread making; over to Phil with an update on his dough-making activities. Phil?

Thanks Phil. Yesterday I made naan bread dough and went off piste with the bread-maker because it doesn't have a naan dough setting on it. There was a lot of tension but in the end the dough came out like something from a bad 1950s Steve McQueen B movie. I soon knocked the life out of it. Today I'm making bread rolls because I'm very rock and roll and a bit hard. I'm using some sunflower seeds because I'm just a wild and crazy guy. Phil?

Thanks Phil and now Phil with some stuff and nonsense! Phil!

Stun Fan Fonsensed

• This is the score: having decided to play CDs over 5 years old, I changed that and decided to start playing everything I possess in alphabetical order starting with A and going down to Z. The rules are simple: I remove a stack of CDs from the A section (this will become B, then C, then D and so forth until we get down to Z) and then turn them upsides down so I can't see what they are, I then take the first one and place it in the CD player and play it. I cannot not play it. If I choose not to play it I have to dispose of it. The only exception to that rule is if it is an album I am already familiar with, have played in the last 12 months or is by a band or artist that I have just played. If it is the latter I place it on a different stack to be played after I've concluded my CD A-Z Odyssey. I bet you're glad you didn't ask? So what's been playing since I decided this and can I leave a one word review (even if I'm not going to list the album unless I can remember what it is). 
• Aliens/Astronomy For Dogs - psychedelic
• Arcade Fire/Suburbs - kept
• A Shoreline Dream/Ulrich Schnauss - shoegazey
• Alien Mutation - wibbly
• Abigail's Ghost - confused
• Adventures - dated
• Adam & The Ants - bwah-ha-ha
• Jon "You'll Never Tek Me Alive Copper, Not Without a Proper Shoot-Out" Anderson - Olias...

And that concludes this week's Tomorrow's World with James Burke, next on your TV sets is some Slovakian porn performed by the Mike Samms Singers...