Someone Here is Missing

My mate Chrissie, who I haven't seen for a while, commented recently that she loved reading my blog because I was such a grumpy old git... Well, today I had evidence of an even grumpier old git.

A couple of months ago, when I was in a lot of pain from my back and attempting to get out of the house, the wife and I took the dogs for a walk to some local woods. Now, for those of you who don't know our dogs, here is a quick description:

• Ness - small, black and furry. looks like a jet black fox, has nothing but white noise going on in her head. is vicious but only to the other three dogs. She might be small, but she's pack leader. She's probably a cross between a Sheltie and a wolverine.
• Murray - the baby of the team and arguably alpha male even if he isn't sure what male means. He is a bit of a poof and he's recovering from having an operation to remove a lump from his leg, so he's currently on his lead when we go out. He looks about as harmful as a Christmas fairy. He's a collie cross.
• Lexy - short, stocky and loves people. If you come to visit us, you've come to visit her and she will cuddle you - whether you like it or not. Is a bit short-sighted and has one tone, so unless you know her, she sounds the same happy as she does angry. She is a basset hound staffie cross.
• Marley - retarded, pony-like, a big puppy who is incredibly defensive, but also quite soppy. She is a stereotypical rescue dog - one minute off on her own snuffling in shit, the next attacking any dog that comes within 50 feet of us. She has got much better and has very few 'moments' (touch wood). She is a Labrador, German Shepherd, Mutt cross.

When we were in these woods, Marley, who has a thing about men in hats, started barking at this old man who was minding his own business. The wife thought she'd dealt with it, but the old git started shouting and threatening to call the police because we had this 'vicious dog'. I lost my temper and after several obscene words, told the old **** to **** off or I would setting my ****ing dogs on him and then he'd know what it's like to be ****ed over by vicious dogs. It wasn't my finest moment and I don't think the wife was at all amused. To be fair, it was wrong of me, but we had both apologised to the old bastard and he was having none of it. I felt like asking him if he'd be satisfied if I had the dog put down.

The upshot of this was, I avoid men in hats when I'm out and to be fair to the Marlster, as I call her, she's been pretty much free of trouble for months (touch wood). She did try it on with a staffie about a month ago, but she got her skinny arse handed to her on a plate and has been quite passive ever since.

Now, back to today. we're over the park because there's a bit of frozen snow on the floor and Ness adores snow. We were having a good walk and my feet were beginning to freeze, but you make sacrifices for the dogs. Marley has been okay with other dogs and was off making the acquaintance of a big black lab and I was walking past this old codger who was walking his Cavalier King Charles spaniel - on its lead. Neither Lexy nor Ness seemed the slightest bit interested - Murray tends to avoid other dogs. When Marley was finished with the lab, she headed in our direction, veered off to the left to meet the spaniel. She was not bounding up or acting in a threatening manner at all; she was wagging her tail and the codger suddenly reacts like he's being attacked by wolves. He stands in front of his dog, so Marley side steps him and makes a bee line for the other dog's arse. They are dogs after all and they like sniffing each others' bottoms!

The man kicks out at Marley. "Oy, she won't hurt your dog," I call out, but the man takes no notice and takes another weak kick at my dog. "Oy, she's just doing what dogs do, mate, you know, having a sniff. So don't do that again!" Anyhow, Marley, sensing she's not wanted, wanders back over to me and then off for a sniff in a different direction. I'm seething, but I'm also heading away from the guy, so left it alone. We were actually on our way back to the car and about 5 minutes later we were just about there when I noticed that old codger was also on his way to where my car was parked. I estimated that his dog had been in the park about 7 minutes, where mine had had at least 45.

Now, I had Murray on his lead; Lexy was off sniffing at fences (she has a fence fetish) and Marley was nowhere to be seen - not a worry, she often isn't seen, but is always close by. Ness, who is as menacing as a feather duster to other dogs, decides she's going to say Hi to the little spaniel. I call her, but she's having none of it. The little Cavalier seemed eager enough, but the owner didn't and tells my Ness to shoo and waves his arms at her. I see red. "What is your problem?" I ask and he ignores me again. "I said, what is your problem?" This time he looks at me but instead of answering me he tells me that my dogs are vicious.

"How the fuck do you work that out?" I said getting angry now.

"Well, look at him, he's on a lead." pointing at the boy. I felt like laughing, hysterically.

"He's on a lead because he's just had an operation on his leg! He's got to take it easy."

"Well, my dog is in season."

"And these three are all bitches." By this time Marley appears, but is surprisingly giving the old bastard a wide berth.

"You have no control over your dogs, they should be on leashes."

"What, so I can take my dogs out for less than 10 minutes, like you are?"

"I said, she's in season."

"And that doesn't mean she's ill. She also isn't likely to get fucked by any of mine. He's on a lead and they've all been done." I says, pointing at my dogs.

"Yeah, that's likely."

"Excuse me, are you suggesting that I'm lying about having had my dogs done?" he says nothing. "Are you suggesting I look like someone who doesn't care about his dogs and will let them run riot?" He says nothing again. "Just what the fuck are you saying?" He started to move again, this time beyond me and up the road. By this time I'm back at the car and the boot is open. Murray is in it, Lexy is back and Ness is doing her usual bit of standing looking at the car like its some kind of ancient artefact. I ask her to get in the car and she just continues to stand there.

"You obviously have no control over your dogs," says the old man, who is past me now and that's it, the red mist descends. I pick Ness up and literally throw her in the back of the car. Marley is still sniffing about, but I shut the back of the car anyhow and stomp after the old man.

"I don't know if its the weather, or if you just got up in a bad fucking mood, but none of my dogs did anything for you to be even remotely pissed off with. But you've certainly pissed me off. I don't care how old you are or what your fucking excuse is, but if you insult me or my dogs again, I'll stuff your little dog so far up your arse, his ears will replace your fucking tonsils. Do. You. Understand. Me?" I'm about an inch from his face and his little dog is actually trying to climb up my leg to get a fuss.

I didn't see his reaction. I turned back round, walked to my car, shouted at Marley to get in the back, that I was reopening and without a batter of an eyelid, she did. I got back in the car, saw at least 3 of my dogs all looking at me like I'd threatened them all with the dog pound and started laughing. I said, "It's all right guys, it wasn't you, it was that stupid old git."

Just why he was in such a foul mood I have no idea. Perhaps his missus would let him have a shag this morning. I could have understood it if any of my dogs had been acting with menaces, but they were all a bit knackered (apart from Murray) and were about as threatening as blancmange.

Some people are just cunts, I suppose...