Friday, January 28, 2011

Rantus Norvegicus

Oy pedestrian! You see that crossing? That one that's five feet away from where you are dicing with death in an attempt to cross the road. Fucking use it, you twat!!

Jesus Hairy Christ, how many times am I going to see an idiot, a woman with a pram or a 'lad' attempting to cross a busy main road without using the pedestrian crossing which is situated so close to them they must either be blind or completely fucking ignorant to not have noticed it? I wouldn't mind, but there's enough of the poxy things distributed around the busy parts of town to lose count of the amount of sticks you can shake at them. They stopstartstop the traffic enough and yet some people seem to think it's easier for them to cross the road by jumping in and out of moving cars, knowing full well that however much it pisses the driver off, they're the pedestrian and they have right of way.

Well, it should stop. Drivers should be free from prosecution for mowing fuckwits down provided they are not drunk and their cars are fully insured with valid MOTs and its within 25 feet of a level crossing.

But, imbeciles like this are not the only culprits. How about the fuckwads that use pedestrian crossings but don't wait for the green man to appear? You know the kind; they just wander out when there's a gap of more than a gnat's cunt hair between cars and wonder why drivers hurtle 50 million kinds of abuse at them. These people, in many respects, are even worse than the wankers mentioned above, because they actually went to the trouble of finding a crossing and then still managed to completely ignore how they're intended to be used. These people should be forced to shove their heads up George Osborne's arse. No, that would be horrible, but not horrible enough...

Not content to deal with pedestrians with the brains of small near extinct marsupials, getting into work in the morning also has the added bonus of wankspanners in white vans, who seem to believe that now Volvo drivers are no longer vilified, then they will go out of their way to make sure they get the honour. I followed a white van into work this morning that seemed to think that a two lane carriageway was theirs and theirs alone. Oh I'll wander over here and I'll wander over there and you people behind me can go fuck yourselves with the tools I have in the back of my white van. When the driver stopped and got out of his van near the bank on the Wellingborough Road, not far from the pedestrian crossing where the road traffic massacre almost took place, he seemed totally bemused when a driver of a Volvo 4x4 called him a 'wanker'. Who me? He seemed to suggest before jay walking across the road and almost decorating the front of another white van that seemed to visibly speed up when said wanker got into the road.


As a side rant, we might not see another World Cup hosted in this country before I'm dead, but we might also never see a British tennis champion. For all the promise Andy Murray shows, he seems to bottle it when the chips are down and can't raise his game the way others can. Even if he claws his way back into this game against David Ferrer, what chances of beating the other bloke in the final, given that he's prone to choking?

I suppose we have golf to fall back on and rowing and, um... Oh look, a herd of flying pigs wearing tutus and singing Hallelujah have just flown past my window...


  1. The other side of the coin...As a weirdo who doesn't drive and therefore a lifelong pedestrian, I can tell you that there are less grains of sand in the Sahara than morons behind the wheel, or so it seems. Two days ago while crossing a road I see the car in front of me stopped two yards from the junction, engine running, no indicators going. So I stand there looking at him trying to guage what his next action will be. No response. So, rather than walk in front of him acroos the two yard gap and risk getting run down, I walk behind him, glaring at the sod while doing so. When I get to the other side of the road, he gets out of his car (by now there's cars queuing behind) to shout at me "Wots your problem?" I give him the finger and walk off, to which he replies "Fucking idiot" gets in his car and drives off. Cunt.

  2. I always feel as if I might be pissing drivers off by waiting for the crossing to go before I cross, mainly because I'm the only one standing there after everyone else has bolted while the man is red.

    But then some tosser ran the red light this morning and would have got me if I'd gone the moment The Man turned green, let alone if I'd gone earlier. So yeah, I'll wait.