Thursday, January 13, 2011

Grow Your Own Marmalade

Nails.

Not only is it a good word and an excellent name for a comedy hard man, it's also something (like a beard) I've never really possessed. I have been biting my nails since I was in the womb - I'm sure of it. Currently, I have 5 long nails, which is a 50% improvement on the past. I had 6 until about an hour ago and then, for some reason known only to my subconscious, I chewed off the one on my left forefinger. In pauses between writing sentences I'm gnawing at it as I type, or not as the case may be.

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Type the word 'Flange' into Google Images, turn the safe search off. Do you know after 77 pages there's not one single rude picture? I'm disappointed; but it might be that the word flange is only considered by a few of my friends and I as a mildly excellent description for a clunge.

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Spring in January! It's 14 degrees outside. I might take the dogs out for a walk in shorts!

Of course the problem with that is it is really difficult to get shorts that fit dogs, especially as we have 4 of different shapes and sizes. I'm pretty convinced that Lexy would look good in a pair of lurid boxers. But obviously that brings up all manner of other dog images and I've just had my lunch...

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Bizarre question of the week: Does giving up smoking really make your sense of smell better or does it just make your shit stink worse than ever before?

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Miriam O'Reilly is only 51. Jesus, working on Countryfile must be really hard work and extremely stressful. Apparently, John Craven is only 35...

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The old boy across the road, who is friends with the fucktards next door on the left, appears to be oiling his brakes. Is it me or do I live in Moron Avenue?

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Today, I was stuck in a room with two people who both were talking like they were comics experts. it was a strange mixture of hilarious and annoying. I wanted to stop them and explain in as rude a possible way that neither of them have a fucking clue what they're talking about. However, it became clear that both of them were infants when I stopped working for Comics International and were oblivious to the pleasures of Borderline. However, one of them has a massive comics collection with over 400 in it...

I suppose with most bottom of the range comics costing as much as £3.00 each now that 400 is probably a sizeable investment.

The other one, an odd girl, has a crush on Melinda Gebbie. If you've ever wondered what I'm like when I'm speechless you should have been in that room at that moment! Even I was amazed...

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Having given up on Shameless about season 200, around the time that every single member of Frank Gallagher's family had left the series and it consisted of David Threlfall and a cast of moronic unknowns, I was quite surprised to learn that the series has been transposed to the slum area of Chicago and been made for cable TV in the States. William H. Macy is apparently very good, as is the girl playing his daughter. However, critics are divided as to whether it's a joke or just a pile of shit.

We'll see what mess the US really make of taking our excellent drama series' and redoing them the Yankee way when Being Human USA d├ębuts next Monday night. As for Episodes, I was tempted, especially with the Green Wing link, but once I discovered that it was co-written by one of the Friends creators and starred Matt Le Blanc, it put me off it forever. Still haven't forgiven him for... No, I'm not going to make a very poor joke at Matt Bianco's expense.

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That'll do for now...

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