Monday, February 21, 2011

And Then They Were Fascists

As I'm still recovering from man flu, I decided that today would be a vegging out in front of the telly kind of day, watching the things the wife would have no interest in at all.

I began the day with the Scandinavian horror/slasher movie called Insane. It was pretty rubbish and had me wondering if Insane was a Scandinavian word for Crap. It was set in a 1960s styled hotel, a kind of reworking of Psycho with little going for it, some very poor acting and editing that was, I believe, done by a blind idiot. Or perhaps the film makers were trying to convey that feeling of insanity? The premise was essentially girl gets murdered by a gas mask wearing stalker; this is followed by another girl being murdered by a gas mask wearing stalker, but not before she manages to send her sister a picture of her standing in front of the hotel. Sister turns up, goes through the same dance again before sort of revealing the situation, with the aid of her boyfriend and then eventually getting killed. It was a truly awful film and at times seemed like an attempt to do a pg-13 version of Saw, except some of the violence was OTT.

Figuring that things couldn't get much worse, I opted to watch the monumentally titled Nude Nuns with Big Guns and wished I hadn't. I'm going to be downright sexist now, just for a few lines, but this film was wrong; totally and utterly wrong. There was not a single nude nun in it that you would have wanted to look at; all of them were a load of munters (I believe that's one of the terms young people use nowadays). Essentially it is the tale of a priest who uses the nuns in his convent to producer top quality heroin; he then trades it with a local wanker, um, drug dealer and every so often the drug dealer gets to take one of the nuns back with him to sell in his brothel as a genuine nun; who commands a much higher price than his other prostitutes. The wanker and his buddies are essentially a bunch of amoral pieces of shit, who wander round their corner of the world defiling every single thing and laugh about it. The clergy, who condone all of this activity are portrayed as money grabbing idiots and all of the nude nuns look like the ugly girl from your school. You get the impression they had about $50 to spend on the actors.

One of the prostitute nuns gets the chance to become the wrath of God and after some weapons training goes in search of all the bad men and blows them away. It is Death Wish with nude nuns and bad acting. There are a number of gratuitous lesbian scenes featuring, one presumes, drug addicts the producers dragged off the streets and just as you think the film cannot sink any lower, it manages to scrape shit off the bottom of the barrel that had been fossilised. it ends with a ludicrous scene involving a dismembered member and a couple of nude lesbian nuns.

Now, to some people, some of the bizarre imagery I've alluded to might make you think that this is some kind of B movie classic waiting for you to discover. it isn't. It left me feeling slightly dirty and a wee bit ashamed that I even downloaded it. it's a nasty, vicious waste of time and you will hate yourself if you watch it.

After all of this I decided I needed to change tack slightly. I had recorded a programme off of Sky Arts; it was called Genesis: A History and as I was once a huge fan of this band, I figured it would be interesting to watch this documentary. The first thing I noticed was that it had been made in 1990, so it was actually 21 years old; the second thing was it was a documentary designed to be shown around the time of the band's second Knebworth concert; the penultimate time I saw the band live and what should really have been the last time I saw them considering how fucking awful it was.

The first thing that struck me was that I was in it. they used the footage from the Nationwide documentary and there was me and my brother Steve standing in front of the stage at Knebworth in 1978 with three other people and no one else. So it was weird watching me on TV, albeit for just a few short seconds. The second thing that struck me was just what a complete trio of wankers Collins, Banks and Rutherford were. Jesus Brian Christ; never have I seen such a group of pious, self-loving, back-biting shits. I mean, I knew Collins was a wanker years ago, but was not really aware that the other two were just as fucking horrid. Both Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett came off really well and you got the impression that between the lines of the actual words they said about leaving the band was the real reason - the other members were a bunch of smug pricks.

Tony Banks comes out of it the worse as he actually criticises everyone in the band; suggesting that Collins wasn't up to fill Gabriel's shoes, that Rutherford wasn't that good a musician and this wasn't before they split up. Collins just blames everyone else in the world for them thinking he was a twat and Rutherford just seems like he's living in another reality. The first 45 minutes of the documentary was interesting, the second half was cringe inducing, with all three laughingly suggesting that Invisible Touch was the best thing they had ever done.

I remember the second Knebworth concert. I got pissed and stoned throughout the concert. Got tearful during the 20 minute old stuff medley and insulted a lot of people around me by suggesting that pop song Genesis were just a load of shit and any one who liked them had no real idea what quality music sounded like. I really can't believe that I went to see them at Wembley Stadium two years later. I can believe it was the last time I saw them, because they were dreadful and Paul Young supported them and he was shit too.

Apparently Phil Collins has some kind of arthritis that prevents him from playing drums any more and subsequently figures that any chance of Genesis reforming isn't going to happen. Thank fuck for that; it's a shame he doesn't get some kind of throat disease putting a stop to any chance he has of ever appearing on stage again in any capacity. Or perhaps a big fucking meteor could crash into the mansion him, Banks and Rutherford will meet in to discuss reforming and wipe these fucking posh twats off the face of the planet once and for all.

Everything after Steve Hackett's departure should be consigned to a chemical toilet!

And breathe...

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